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Chip Kelly is going to coach the 'North Texas State Armadillos.' You heard it here first.

USC? Miami? Maryland? Please. If Kelly and the Eagles part ways, none of these schools will have a chance to even make a move.


Which school will steal Chip Kelly away from the NFL? Maryland wants him, as does surely everybody else. But here are the real contenders, based on this information leaked by Kelly to the media:

  • The North Texas Mean Green need a new head coach, and are interested. They fired theirs minutes after the worst FBS-to-FCS loss in human history. Coaching football at UNT is a better job than the majority of jobs, but it is not one of the best college football coaching jobs available.
  • North Texas was known as North Texas State until 1988, though its previous nickname was the Eagles.
  • The Texas State Bobcats do not need a new head coach. They might need a new one soon, but TXST is likewise not in position to hire Kelly should he become available.
  • In the film Necessary Roughness, depicted in the image above, the Texas State Fightin' Armadillos don't seem to need a new head coach, since they win at the end. They are not North enough for Kelly, and they are too fightin'.
  • The Texas Longhorns do not need a new head coach. Their coach has a golden hat, you despicable haters.
  • There are not many college teams nicknamed the ArmadillosWikipedia's giant list shows only one, NAIA Our Lady of the Lake University, which now goes by the Saints and doesn't have football. It is in Texas, though.

Kelly will coach the Our Lady of the Lake University Saints' soccer team in 2016. Disregard what I said in the headline.