This Week In Schadenfreude, where a Michigan fan demands an FBI investigation

Welcome to This Week In Schadenfreude.

Today, we're offering a special three-course menu. You can choose from one of several appetizers, a number of enticingly spleenful entrees and our special Michigan dessert. It's so good you'll want ... seconds.

(I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.)

APPETIZERS

KANSAS STATE

Guest chef Jon Morse from Bring On The Cats whipped up five dietary alternatives for those who have an allergy to getting beat at home, 55-0. My favorite is number five.

5. Repeatedly shot myself in the foot with a pneumatic nail gun.

Look, it would have been less painful, and I'd have learned something from it (namely, don't shoot yourself in the foot with a pneumatic nail gun). That would leave me one up on the K-State coaching staff, who apparently haven't learned anything this month.

It's not a spreading pool of your own blood. It's an improvised red zone, and you're dominating it!

TEXAS A&M

Farm fresh anger and wrath, from the name you know and trust: TexAgs. We start with a base of High Salary Whine ...

We can debate the reasons why this specific game was a loss, but this is ****ing ridiculous. I'm at tailgate post game and just wanted to check in. $5 million a year deserves better results at Kyle Field.

****ing Christ. Spare me his bull**** flirtations with usc. How about you earn your money here before playing cool hand luke.

Yet another home conference loss in the Sumlin era

... sprinkle it with some crumbled Ignore That We Also Struggled Against Arkansas ...

This is unacceptable
I understand this is Bama, but coming off a bye and watching them struggle against Arky, at home in prime time. This has got to stop, we can't keep losing at home against ranked divisional opponents and expect to be ttaken seriously. This loss was embarrassing

... and then top it off with a dollop of Wish Ruin Upon A Teen.

I hope Allens teachers fail him and that he gets jumped.

Please note this is a seasonal dish, which might not be available if A&M beats Ole Miss and Aggie fans declare this team can beat anyone, even Jesus Christ and the T-1000 driving a boat made out of lasers.

VIRGINIA TECH

Appetizer option three: some finely aged Hokie angst from The Key Play, served two ways. The first preparation involves you getting totally punked by your grandmother.

So i avoid hearing about the game all day.... Turned off alerts on my sports apps. Texted 11 people telling them not to text me anything so i can watch the dvr-ed game when i finally get off work. Dodge updates on the radio. Literally tell fellow fans to shut their mouths (with quick follow up apologies). Imagine my dissapointment when my grandma tells me the results of the game...NOW, IMAGINE MY DISSAPOINTMENT AND HORROR AS I SLOWLY DISCOVER VIRGINIA TECH DID NOT IN FACT WIN 30 TO 20 OVER MIAMI!!!!!

The second is, somehow, so much sadder.

Really hate this downward trend for Hokie Football....going to be hard to return to relevance....I really like CFB......but I love my dad, and I still had to take his drivers license last year because he lost his ability to perform

Don't worry so much, friend. Virginia Tech clearly can't sustain long enough drives to do any damage.

ENTREES

WASHINGTON

Impotent hate is delicious in any form, but when you slow cook it over the course of a 12-game losing streak to one of your most detested rivals? Simply delectable. My compliments, Hardcore Husky.

I'm seriously considering giving up being a football fan and taking up croquette.

wait how did you know we were doing this tortured food theme this week

Everyone is fired. Tear down the campus. Fuck this region. Fuck this program.

Burn it. Burn it all to the ground.

That's just the garnish. You're gonna need a sharp knife for the main course.

I'm 31, so I barely remember '91, was in high school the last time UW went to a bowl game that was worth a shit, and have spent virtually all of my adult life watching the team I love lose to the team I hate the most(along with all other semi-decent teams). I'm at the point where I hate watching the games. I get so fucking mad that I lose all control and start spewing phrases that could make PL_SS blush. Old people around me in the stadium turn and look with horror, stunned that the human mind can construct such vile sentences. My friends and family get on my case about it saying I shouldn't get so mad over a game.

The shit I've had to watch the last 14 years has made me so pessimistic it's pathetic. When I watch the Huskies play, my first instinct is to assume that every flag is on them, every review is going against them, and that every time they make a good play, they're going to fuck it up and give it back. I didn't see Gaskin score tonight because I was looking for flags, and I do that on pretty much every big play without even consciously doing it.

When the score was 23-6 tonight, part of me was actually hoping Oregon would break out the plunger and finish them off just so I wouldn't get my hopes up. It's straight battered spouse shit. I keep hoping things will change, that at some point whatever loser coach we have will turn the corner and pretend to earn his multimillion dollar salary, but every time it ends with a swift kick to the dick followed by the realization that as long as a bunch of liberals who don't give a fuck about football run UW, the football team is never going to be good again.

MISSOURI

A loss that consists of three field goals beating two field goals doesn't sound all that palatable, which might explain why TigerBoard users are vomiting in every possible direction.

I would trade offenses straight up with kansas.

[/terrified shriek]

This offense needs to be NUKED
Blow it up, start over. Our oline, receivers, and possibly rbs are poorly coached. Oline scheme needs to change. Our receivers need to get stronger, meaner, smarter, and more athletic, and if they can't, then find someone who will. We need to line strong, 200+ lbs running backs behind Lock. Build it off a ground game. Use tight ends. Bootlegs and hard play action. Big running backs heading downhill. A big quarterback who is more developed and had the height to see the field. Crossing patterns, don't be scared to test 'em deep.

We need a leader who can instill physicality on offense. I want to have runningbacks either blocking or used in short passing. Tight ends and receivers used in creative routes. Just want a different offense

Gotta nuke something.

how I hope Pinkel's morning is going...
Calls his offensive coaches in to his office at 6:00 am this morning. Says nothing for three hours. Just gets madder every minute. Face is bright red. Finally he knifes one of them, but it's a trick knife that retracts in. But his point is made. They are scared. Walks out.

See, the problem is you can only pull the fake-stab-one-of-your-employees card once. Not because they'll realize the knife is fake the next time, but because HR.

F this horrible excuse for an offense.
****ing clean house from players to coaches alike.

And **** you to our receivers.

****ing catch the ****ing football you ****s.

The problem with the SEC
is how full of themselves everyone is and how looked down on Mizzou is. Feels great being talked down to by a bunch of dumb hicks.

OLE MISS

Please be careful. The bile from Red Cup Rebellion after Hugh Freeze's team lost to Memphis is served very, very hot.

Can I get a D! D!
Can I get an E! E!
Can I get an F! F!
Can I get an E! E!
Can I get an N! N!
Can I get an S! S!
Can I get an E! E!
What does it spell?!
"Give up on life"

WE FUCKING SUCK!!!!
Bring on the NCAA! Let's get fucked right!

We will lose
this team has given up. Like a flaccid dick. They can't come back from this

Note: I'm suddenly worried that this commenter has screamed "QUITTER" at his genitals.

The trick to any good dish is waiting for it to cook all the way. Open the oven too early, and all your prep will have been wasted. [/oven timer pings at Red Cup Rebellion]

I'm done caring. I'm moving on. **** Ole Miss football, all they will ever do is disappoint you. I've waited and waited. This was supposed to be our year. I don't feel like I had unrealistic expectations, I wasn't expecting a national title but I was expecting we would finally be competitive in the west. I was expecting I wouldn't have to get angry during what should be a push over game. I was expecting to play better than ******** Bowling Green. To hell with you Ole Miss football. I'm not watching another game. Call it whatever you want, I don't care. 30 years of watching this shit is just too many. False expectations turned into what should've been actual expectations and I'm done. We suck! I shouldve known we would suck all the evidence is there. WE ARE OLE MISS!!

[/second oven timer pings at NAFOOM]

I'm done for the year
Shit ass playcalling and we got dominated physically by Memphis. Good for Memphis. They deserved this one. The Rebels ain't about shit.

[/third oven timer pings at RebelFaithful]

Done with this coward.

No balls, NOT an offensive mind, coward...a freakin joke.

We just got beat by an American conference team that hasn't beaten a ranked opponent in years.

Their defense is garbage. I watched Cincy put up 60 on them with a BACKUP QB. You have a potential first rounder at QB with talent all over and you can't do the same against them?

Done with them all and you all should be too.

A bunch of bums and we deserve better like a Justin Fuente.

Go **** yourself Freeze.

Bon appétit.

PENN STATE

Our final main course selection is beef. So so so so so much Penn State fan beef. The best cut comes courtesy of Ohio State's own Ramzy Nasrallah:

pic.twitter.com/J7vOyEK1zy

— PennLive Comments (@RealPennLive) October 18, 2015

If that conspiracy theory porterhouse is too much for you, consider one of these fine selections from the butchers at Black Shoe Diaries.

Four years ago I predicted that Urban Meyer would bring the same arrogant, showboating lack of sportsmanship to OSU that has become the trademark of SEC schools and some of their southern brothers (FSU...). Tonight the evidence of that transformation was plastered all over the TV screen. What a bunch of self-gratifying egos! These morons do not deserve a national championship — or any championship. You have to wonder why ABC chose to put the camera on them while they were gloating and preening between plays. Does somebody find that entertaining?
The B1G wanted to be more like the SEC and now I'm afraid it may be happening. Be careful what you wish for.
And if Penn State goes down the same trash covered road, I'll find a deserving FCS team to root for.

Watching Penn State football has become too depressing. I cannot go on. I surrender. I'll take up gardening. Maybe I'll start watching that BBC show about British bakers.
It's no longer a matter of whether they win or lose. Instead, for me anyway, it's become a question of whether they can just do the little things with fundamental competence. You know - like punting. (Sounds like I'm channeling Paterno. Maybe the old guy really had the whole thing figured out.)

Oh yeah — and OSU really needs to be severely beaten by someone like Minnesota or Rutgers. Some of the players need to have their attitudes re-adjusted. Bunch of anal warts. Their arrogance deserves a dose of public humiliation. Same goes for some of their fans.

If I were still a Penn State student
I'd organize a punting competition and invite ANY PSU student to compete. SOMEBODY in a student body of 40,000 can consistently punt a football over 40 yards.
Get some beer and pizza (weed) and a decent band to draw a crowd. Throw in a wet t-shirt contest if weather permits (even if it doesn't...).
Invite somebody named Paterno to judge the contest.
30-some years ago I dated a Norwegian girl at PSU who was about 5'10" and could punt the living shit out of a football. No footballs in Norway, so she never knew 'til I dared her to try.

IM PRAYING
James Franklin gets fired. But he wont because he's so good at pulling off the illusion that he's a good coach with all his rah rah bullshit and delusional confidence. He's a complete joke and Saquon Barkley deserves so much better.

James Franklin is 0-12 against ranked teams.

I would add that Penn State needs to leave the Big Ten or deal with an underachieving football program. The biggest worry I have is the team appears to lose focus as soon as a ref botches a call.

Please note we do not offer sanctimony-free Penn State comments, as a reliable supplier does not exist.

DESSERT

MICHIGAN

Let it be said: without MGoBlog, there is no This Week In Schadenfreude. I am just filling in long-term for Brian Cook, and, as many MGoBlog commenters will be happy to tell you, I do a shittier job.

But founding this column does not exempt you from its watchful eye, Michigan fans. Nor do I expect you want that kind of special treatment. (That'd make you too much like Notre Dame fans.)

my wife is wondering what is wrong with me
everything

I wrote a haiku:
Fuck fuck dammit shit fuck damn
Fucking fuck shit fuck

That's nowhere near a 5-7-5. A real Michigan Man wouldn't be nearly that careless. IMPOSTOR.

I am a nihilist now. Nothing matters, existance is pointless. Happiness is not for us.

I don't lie to protect feelings
I don't do it for people I know so I sure as hell won't start doing it for an Australian punter!

"Do these pants make me look fat?"
"Y-"
"Before you answer, I'm not an Australian punter."
"Yes."

I got home, threw shit on the floor, terrified the dog, then grabbed a fifth without saying aything to my housemates and locked myself in my room. It's been me and Beefeater in bed alone for the last several hours.

That's mature, right?

EDIT: Hi, TWIS researcher! I'm excited to feature!

Hello! Give Beefeater a kiss for me.

Fuck Rudock
This fucking tool is a waste of our time. Iowa's unwanted trash.

Any of the younger qb's can be carried along by the rest of the team, just like he is! And learn from it, as they are our future.

Like any restaurant-quality dessert, this one has a special theatrical element. We take Michigan fans, mix them with some questionable officiating, and then we light the whole thing on fire. It's Wolverines jubilee.

I retract my previous
Comment about us getting g horse fucked by the refs.

We are getting *royally* horse fucked

Those refs were horrible blind motherfuckers. Each one is a remedial posterchild of ineptitude on a scale unknown to mankind. Idiot dolts called out penalties on Michigan when it was the guy in white #4 who they meant. Getting a TD wrong 3 times in a fuckin row, targeting on a kid who was clearly pushed down and a whole host of other bullshit makes me want to ask the B1G wtf the qualifications are to hire these clowns.

Seriously I'm waiting for one ref to ride a midget tricycle and 2 others to tool around the fuckin field in a short bus with a monnkey in tow.

The level of ineptitude was only matched by the amount of interference their bullshit overlayed on the game and destroyed momentum on both sides. This crew of fuckers must have had money on their fan duel picks because NOBODY can be as fucking horrible as the shit we saw today.

Michigan should publicly ask the Big Ten and FBI for an investigation. It was horrible and one-sided. The non-call on a blatant face mask of Rudock is just the most egregious of a long list. There is just no way this many bad calls all go one way by accident.

Well, maybe the Assistant Special Agent in Charge of the FBI's Detroit office can help.

DAMMIT.