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The Miami Hurricanes must hire The Rock as their head coach

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Can you smell who The Rock is coaching?

Al Golden is out at Miami, ending an era we all knew was ending. Hurricanes fans had been displeased with the direction of the program for some time, and the worst loss in school history was rock bottom.

Now Miami fans wonder what's next. Chip Kelly! But would he leave the NFL? Lane Kiffin! But, well, Lane Kiffin. Do you really want Lane Kiffin? Greg Schiano! Eww!

So many names flying around, fast and furious ... wait a second ... Fast? Furious? There's only one person the University of Miami should turn to for its next coach.

1. Before he was The Rock, he was Miami defensive tackle Dwayne Johnson.

He played for the Hurricanes in the early 90s. He's No. 94:

Doug Pensinger/Getty Images

And he's been known to throw up The U in the wrestling ring.

At this point in the career, The Rock has accomplished pretty much everything. He became perhaps the most popular pro wrestler of all time, larger than the WWE itself. He's turned into a movie star, separate from his wrasslin' career. In the entertainment arena, there are few worlds left for him to conquer.

It's time for The Rock to go off in a new direction. It's time for The Rock to restore his alma mater to its greatness.

2. The Rock will not wear a tie.

Al Golden never meshed with anything about the U, not the school, football program or city. In a town of beaches, he wore a suit and tie.

I can promise you this: Head Coach The Rock will not wear a suit and tie. He will probably wear a tank top at all times, including in press conferences and on the sidelines. Maybe that's not your definition of classy, but it won't matter when intimidated refs take a peek at his biceps and refuse to call a penalty on the Canes.

3. The Rock hearkens back to THE U.

Perhaps the biggest disappointment for Miami fans is that the school more or less refuses to acknowledge its powerhouse years, some of the best college football teams of all time. You'd think the school would seek to embrace the swagger and success of those eras. Instead, Golden seemed to want to establish a new identity for Miami.

The Rock was with The U when it was at its best, winning a championship with the Canes in 1991.

You're just not going to get a lot of people associated with The U's golden age to come back and coach. Howard Schnellenberger? Gleefully smoking cigars and riding into the sunset. Jimmy Johnson? Giggling on FOX. Dennis Erickson? 68. Butch Davis? Toxic, at this point. Larry Coker? LOL

Miami should turn to someone who can turn The U back into The U. Why not someone who helped make it happen?

4. The Rock was in Furious 7.

Of all the serious candidates to coach Miami, The Rock is the only one who was in Furious 7.

5. The Rock has experience turning around struggling football programs.

I can already hear your No. 1 argument against Head Coach The Rock, that The Rock has no coaching experience.

That's where you're wrong. Have you ever seen the 1993 documentary film Gridiron Gang? Have you ever seen the 2006 Hollywood film loosely based on the documentary film Gridiron Gang? Well, The Rock is in one of those two films, possibly the documentary. And in whichever one he's in, Head Coach The Rock does an incredible job turning a team of kids who didn't believe in themselves into winners.

Hmmm ... can you think of a team that doesn't believe in itself? A group of kids who could use an inspiring coach to turn them into winners? Hmm.

6. The Rock has a championship track record.

Miami shouldn't settle for mediocrity. This program is about championships. Not just division or conference championships, NATIONAL championships.

Well, let's look at The Rock:

  • Eight-time undisputed WWE champion
  • Two-time WWF Intercontinental champion
  • Five-time WWE Tag Team champion
  • Two-time WCW World Champion

The guy knows how to win.

7. The Rock will be a great recruiter, because he is The Rock.

Many have criticized Miami's consistent inability to land players from the talent-rich South Florida area. How could Miami beat the best if it can't even land Miami's best?

EVERYBODY WOULD WANT TO PLAY FOR THE ROCK. I WANT TO PLAY FOR THE ROCK. YOU WANT TO PLAY FOR THE ROCK. WE ALL WANT TO PLAY FOR THE ROCK.

8. The Rock saved puppies from drowning.

I rest my case.