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This Week In Schadenfreude, in which Dan Mullen let Alabama win so Nick Saban will finally leave

Welcome to your weekly roundup of the Internet's maddest college football fans.

You feel that? It's the sound of a river of bile approaching. It's not here yet, and it may not get here for a couple of weeks. Maybe it's Columbus anger. Maybe it's ready to burst from Clemson. Maybe it'll be Tuscaloosa, unleashing torrents of rage from wells they thought had run dry weeks ago. Until they do, we get to revisit some of college football's more reliable tributaries of venom.

AUBURN

After Georgia went into Auburn and left with an ugly win, reality became a tenuous thing at College and Magnolia.

Fuck that game
We simultaneously deserved to win and lose. I can't explain how I feel right now.

Feeling equal parts winner and loser? That's just a .500 season, friend.

Desperately looking for household items to get high on and running out of options...
Can you get high on hand soap? What about rotten bananas?

The scientific method demands that you try and report back. Fortunately, the Auburn Sports Board commenters see everything clearly. The answer is blood.

If Jay Jacobs has any dignity left
He'll resign before the end of the school year. Malzahn will get another season, but Jacobs should not get another opportunity to hire a new football coach. Two winning conference records since 2007 is unacceptable.

Malzahn is a one trick pony
And the pony has been dead for five years.

The man is a dumbarse high school coach that was made to look very good by Cam Newton and Nick Marshall. HE is a walking brainfart.

Fire Jacobs, Fire Malzhan, Process Nonproducers
AU football needs an enema

If there's a dead pony in your gastrointestinal tract, I suspect you'll need more than an enema.

Absolutely pathetic attempt at one of the worst UGA teams in years. Bama going to crush us and we deserve it after putting all of our faith in this moron.

I hope gus can deep throat because this is a huge bag of dicks

Auburn Family, All Dicks.

GEORGIA TECH

Still, Auburn's at least got a good chance to get bowl eligible, a hill that's approaching impossible for the Ramblin Wreck this season. Surely, this will not be cause for celebration at Stingtalk.

I'm glad there's no bowl game
This failure of a team doesn't deserve to go on a trip at the end of the year. Plus we don't have to watch them get waxed by some mid major in a desolate outpost game.

That's how you take lemons and make lemonade.

I can't even sleep, eventhough I'm extremely tired, just lying here staring at the ööööing ceiling. And pretty sure I also made myself sick tonight as I feel a fever coming on. It's ridiculous.

What really is amazing is that the psyche will try to protect itself. You can only be disappointed so many times before you stop caring. Some react by taking a family vote and telling people on a message board they are no longer Georgia Tech fans. Others try to distance themselves from being disappointed by attacking other fans or the coaches. But it's natural after a series of disappointments to just be less invested in the outcome.

Georgia Tech manages to circumvent this defense mechanism, and that is where we truly ascend to artform status. We have just enough success to make you think it's possible you won't be disappointed this time around. For me, peak disappointment was the 2011 season. Multiple OT losses to division rivals & MTSU, somehow making the ACCCG only to lose on the final drive.

After that season, my Ex would make we write down a list of the most disappointing losses I've seen as a GT fan before each season to remind myself not to get to invested. Psyche protected. Then 2014 comes along and brings me fully back on board in time to be crushed this year. It seems even the FSU win just came along to get our hopes back up one more time. See for GT fans, even our great seasons or games only exist to give us enough hope that we can be crushed again. That is what makes GT football a masterful work of art.

Sophocles, Shakespeare, & Spread Option.

So you're saying that Georgia Tech football learns to adapt to your body's defenses and kills you no matter what. It's the perfect disease.

Let's check on From The Rumble Seat:

John Heisman would have hopped in his flux-capacitor-equipped DeLorean or George Carlin's phone booth or the Tardis and gone back and killed a lot of small boys tonight.

A helluva, helluva, helluva, helluva, hell of a murderer.

My $hitty night - TLDR
A friend and I scalped some tickets. They were stub hub print outs. I ask the guy "how do I know you didn't just print out a bunch of these". He said "look in my eyes sir. I'm not a liar. I do this for a living to feed my daughter." For the record this gentleman was a mid twenties white guy about 5'10". Be on the look out. Against my better judgement, I bought the tickets and sure enough, a duplicate had already been scanned into the stadium. We were denied entrance. Shame on me for being dumb.

I bought real tickets and had to sit in the Chokie section. Hey Chokie couple sitting in Section 128, Row 8, Seats 1 and 2 - I don't want to watch soft core porn. If I did, I would have been paying more attention to my phone than the game. The seat in front of the girl was empty so she stood on it, faced back toward her boyfriend / the crowd the ENTIRE game and made out with him all 3 quarters I was there. For those of you wondering, she was nasty looking which mainly what made it unpleasant, rather than a good between play show.

When we didn't convert on 4th and 213 on the last play, the group of GT fans had to walk up the bleachers through a sea of cheering Chokie fans. It was humiliating. I've never felt worse leaving our own stadium.

Lastly, someone ripped one nasty during the game, and the lack of wind and cool dense air around me basically marinated my clothes with the stench of diarrhea.

A fitting metaphor for this season of Georgia Tech football - it starts with a lie, in the middle you watch other people enjoying themselves, and ends with a wet fart.

MISSISSIPPI STATE

The Bulldogs did not play a particularly close game with Alabama. Mississippi State fans were not surprised by this, but they were still angry. Take True Maroon.

Embarrassing. Mullen is a freaking coward. This team plays with no attitude, totally complacent with being mediocre. Tackling is a joke. Toughness is laughable. What a damn disappointment. I never thought we stood a chance at winning this game, but I did at least think we'd put a respectable effort out. Pitiful.

At least there is one silver lining. With all the coach openings this year, we will not be seeing much of teams wanting to take Dan away from us. Not too many teams will want to pay $4 million for a coach who doesnt compete with teams with winning records in the SEC. Lots of coaches could have great records against CUSA and Sunbelt teams.


Or EliteDawgs.

Dan just running out the clock. What a puss. Have some fight. Chunk it deep.

Soft, weak, slow, inept. Get out. All of you. Get someone in here that won't waste the young talented guys.

Hope Dak punches Dan in the fleshy patch that used to be Dan's nuts.

But one brave commenter had the smarts to see through the anger and recognize the long play at work. Dan Mullen's not a cowardly moron who can't beat anyone of consequence. He's a freaking GENIUS.

Mullen smarter than you guys think. He let bama win so they can get a NC. Mullen knows Saban gonna leave bama after he wins another one. We just setting ourselves up for longterm success vs bama. Saban playing checkers. Mullen playing chess

CHECKMATE. /topples over Monopoly dog

BAYLOR

If you're expecting a ton of Baylor angst, bad news: most Bears fans took the loss to Oklahoma pretty well! Maybe it's because the Sooners are a pretty good team this season, or maybe they recognized the limitations of playing with a freshman QB due to injury. (The actual answer: it wasn't TCU. God help us all if Baylor loses to TCU.)

But they're here all the same, just for this one observation a participant at BaylorFans had to share.

Play a bunch of pansies and continually play call like a group of pussies in the second half and is end what you get. This team will NEVER get into the playoffs with this bullsh!t mentality.

Look, man. That's our standard line for dismissing Baylor. You're not allowed to use it without permission.

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UCLA

"Our coach is better than what we had before but not as good as we could get, in theory" is a common refrain in college football. The grass is always greener at Next Coach's house, and he always makes perfect hamburgers, just the way you like them. Next Coach wins all the big games and the small ones, and he represents everything you love about this program and its traditions.

Unfortunately for the UCLA faithful at Bruins Nation, Jim Mora is not Next Coach.

I hate this staff and the team.
Disgusting

ONCE AGAIN...
Out played. OUT COACHED. Esp in the last drive. 1 min to win vs 80 yards?? How hard is that?? Put EVERYONE in coverage. PREVENT. WE have better talent. POOR coaching. Always the same story. On TV the show would be cancelled. Boring. Even the sub qb loooked like A Luck. Boatloads of penalties that "don't matterr".??
Rosen was brilliant. We should be in the top 10. WE WILL GO NOWHERE WITH THIS HC AND HIS CLOWNS.

The DSM-V Report
The Stro-Bro states that this team is Bi-Polar. I submit that it actually has multiple personality disorder. Mora is "too conservative". Mazzone is "too cute". Bradley's defense, and Ulbrich's before it, react to the opponent rather than dictate. All units are sloppy and undisciplined. The refs hate us. The talent is being wasted. Our emotional states range from unjustly overconfident to flat to bewildered (dissociative).

I propose shock treatment. It involves Mora leaving for another job and UCLA hiring Mike London. Let's give the last word on this game to a commenter at Bruin Gold.

Last night was absolutely embarassing for your program, a program that I have the highest degree of respect. However, last night was an absolute failure on so many levels, and I think all of you Bruin fans already know this. Losing to a team that lost to Portland State, at home, on a night you saluted your seniors and the NAVY SEALS, when both UTAH AND STANFORD lost?The shoving match on the field between the two defensive players during the game, and lack of any offense until UCLA's back was against the wall, only to have WSU match down the field with just a little over a minute left and score? WSU with their 3 star players and coaching staff that makes about 1/4 of what UCLA's coaches make were outclassed last night. Mora is a really good coach but there are people on this staff that need to be cut loose. I would like to say it cant get any worse, but if UCLA's loses to USC and the dumpster fire that they have had to endure with Sark and and an interim coach who makes 700,000 a year, this team has issues beyond last night and hopefully the fan base whos ticket prices rose but not the level of play will have something to say about it.

Roll Tide, Go Bruins!

Alabama/UCLA fan. Guess it really was mental illness all along.

LSU

You're not the only ones pining for Next Coach, UCLA. LSU's basically planned a whole new life with him at this point. You're going to be so happy together, TigerDroppings.

This is Mack Brown & Texas all over again
Recruits well, talented, but just lost it. Players aren't interested, fans aren't interested.

We need to move on before we become Texas.

(Don't ask Texas how that Next Coach is going so far.)

This program is going to plunge into the dark ages.
You can tell that Les can sense the way this program is going, it's straight into a dark long fricking tunnel. He was broke by this loss, this team is broke.

Guys, Alabama breaks this program every year.

Forget national championships miles teams are not competitive against good teams. Struggles against medicore teams. It's time for a change.

I don't think "forget national championships" is something angry LSU fans are having a hard time doing re: Miles these days.