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Did Iowa play Charleston Southern? No? Then rank the Hawkeyes ahead of Alabama

The Top Whatever is Spencer Hall's weekly ranking of exactly how many teams he feels should be ranked, whether those teams are Alabama or not.

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1. Clemson. How much can one say about beating Wake Forest, 33-13, other than "Wake Forest should be relegated?" No one got hurt, Clemson is 11-0, and seriously, let's relegate Wake Forest to the SoCon and promote The Citadel or someone to the ACC.

1a. Michael Geiger, the Michigan State kicker who hit the game-winner on the road in a 17-14 upset of previously undefeated Ohio State.

Let's have a non-denominational prayer on this Sunday.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to go on radio

and tell the entire world honestly and factually

about the times when

I absolutely fucking nail it out there.


2. Iowa. HELL YES I'M PUTTING THEM OVER ALABAMA FOR A 40-20 WIN OVER LOWLY PURDUE. Mostly because it really doesn't matter as long as both are in the top four, and also because Alabama deserves zero credit for the Charleston Southern game no matter how many colorful George Patton quotes Nick Saban drops. Iowa is undefeated and headed toward Nebraska (winnable barring total chaos) and a matchup against Michigan State. If you don't think the Hawkeyes can win both of these, you have not been paying attention, and deserve to be accosted by the vintage logo Hawkeye when you least suspect it.

3. Alabama. Played Charleston Southern and won, 56-6. Ahem. We're sorry, that's "eighth-ranked Charleston Southern." The Tide play Auburn next week and boy, shouldn't that be a treat for none but the most depraved sadists. In other words, for Alabama fans.

4. Oklahoma. Batted away a late two-point conversion attempt and outlasted TCU, 30-29. In bad news for the Sooners, they might have lost Baker Mayfield for a bit with a head injury, effectively robbing their offense of their most dynamic playmaker.

In good news, we all got to watch another of nature's greatest miracles: Gary Patterson sweat like a bomb squad officer in 30-degree weather in Norman.

Playoff hopes hinge on a.) beating Oklahoma State in Bedlam, a game in which OU's 8-2 over the past 10 years, and b.) someone else soiling themselves. This is college football. Someone will soil themselves.

5. Notre Dame. Turned the ball over five times in a 19-16 win over Boston College, one of like 10 teams in FBS for whom five generously donated turnovers can only be converted into 16 points. Look, the Irish did this and still won!

America is the greatest nation on earth because we defiled one of baseball's greatest chapels with the sloppy blasphemy of that play and still probably got better ratings than any game at Fenway Park this year.

6. Baylor. Beat Oklahoma State, 45-35, despite the loss of second-string quarterback Jarrett Stidham to injury. It's cool, the Bears just rolled Chris Johnson out there and kept scoring even though Johnson was listed as a wide receiver to start the season. Draw a face on a laundry bag, give it a name, and Art Briles will coach it into a 2,000-yard passer with at least 500 yards rushing and a positive TD/INT ratio.

Too bad for the Bears that they play in the Big 12, where the champions are made up and the points don't matter and everyone finishes with one Playoff-killing loss.

7. Michigan State. Did what Spartans do best by dragging a teetering Ohio State out of its limousine and beating it in broad daylight, 17-14, as an object lesson about the evils of excess. Without Connor Cook at QB, Michigan State reduced its offensive gameplan to a club and the will to swing it at every poor skull too slow to get out of the way. In the second half, Michigan State ran the ball 34 times. MSU attempted just four passes in the half and still won, an indication of what you can believe is either the Spartans' battle-tested and proven ability to win close games or Ohio State's complete dysfunction.

We'll take an option on both, for the moment, and credit Michigan State while also mentioning how beating Ohio State in 2015 might mean way less than one thinks.

8. North Carolina. Still theoretically alive for world-destroying Playoff scenarios after being invited to Frank Beamer's retirement party and eating all the cake in a 30-27 overtime victory. You don't even like carbs, Larry Fedora! Never invite Larry Fedora to your party.

9. Florida? Lost 20-14 in overtime in a win over 2-8 Florida Atlantic. That sentence is accurate. Has to play Florida State next week without the ability to move the ball at all, and the sooner I can all just look away from this and not watch whatever carnage happens in the SEC Championship Game, the better.

10. Navy. It's mostly a protest vote to point out that Navy is 9-1, beat Tulsa 44-21, has the nation's career TD leader at quarterback, and only has lost to possible Playoff team Notre Dame. I'll make it anyway.


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Ohio State. Lost mostly because of Michigan State clamping down like a pitbull on the pants leg of a terrified UPS man, but also thanks to some of the most bizarre talent management and game-planning you'll see.

An Urban Meyer team loaded with talent trying to defend a title after losing key offensive staff, and struggling to figure out the delicate balance between players' NFL ambitions and the season at hand? Huh. Seems like a completely novel concept that has never, ever happened before. It's like there's no historical precedent for it whatsoever and no comparison to be made between them and another team, especially not one Meyer coached himself.

Oklahoma State. Probably safely out of Playoff consideration. The Cowboys had 8 rushing yards on the night. That's 24 feet, or the length of a standard rental moving van. Briles won't even let you run for a respectable big-rig's worth of yardage, Oklahoma State. The Cowboys have the right to bounce back up into the argument if they beat Oklahoma soundly next week, which is probably going to happen given everything that has happened in 2015 already. Then we would have two one-loss teams with countervailing losses shut out of the national title picture! This has happened before, too.

Houston. Not that there was any chance of the Cougars making it anyway, but losing 20-17 to UConn puts them into the explicitly uninvited category.