1. The Back The Truck Up dream coach you deserve: This is [your university], dammit. Before you even think of calling any of these other candidates, you get out that dang checkbook, you sit down in front of the most accomplished and least interested NFL or college head coach, and you make him say no.
2. Chip Kelly.
3. The overqualified native son: It doesn't matter if he's coaching a Playoff team right now. MAMA'S CALLIN'. You love your school beyond rational thought and believe any former player should abandon stable career paths to come running in this time of need. (Except he only played ball there so he could get out of that backwater state, and now the sight of your never-satisfied death cult of a fan base terrifies him.)
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4. The undefeated mid-major head coach: What's his name? No, not from Boise. The other guy. His squad upset a ranked team on the road and ran through its directional brethren. Does he have any connection to your school's region? Any familiarity with your conference? Hell, don't matter. He just beat FAU by 30! Imagine what he'd do with a REAL roster.
5. The long, long ago assistant: He was co-DBs coach at your school from '97 to '99 on a staff your boosters had fired. He never traveled more than five miles from the football facility in two years, but he and the wife he met somewhere else years later loved his time in your college town.
6. The successful coordinator who might be awful on his own: He rarely talks to the media, he's never been a head coach, and the side of the ball he coaches is the lifelong calling card of the head man, who is one of the best in the game. Is he calling those plays? Is he developing those players? No one has any idea, but if you hire him, you get two free years of using "He's part of the [More Successful Coach] tree" as an excuse for 5-7.
7. The coach your athletic director personally loves: He was a graduate assistant at that one school when your current A.D. was an underling in the marketing department. Those two really hit it off. They believe in the same philosophy. They get each other. Their goals match. They moved a body that one night, and each is confident the other hasn't spoken of it, because that's the kind of shared vision for success we're talking about.
8. The local semi-undefeated mid-major head coach: Did y'all see it when he coached up that homecoming cupcake and whooped your rival? He's already 1-0 against those bastards! Hell, why do you think he took that job at Central East West University, just 90 miles from your campus? He's been dreaming of your school and wanted to get noticed. Now he knows the area. Imagine who he'd recruit to a REAL program.
9. The underqualified native son: It doesn't matter if he got fired from that school way out there for going 7-21. He's one of y'all. He understands this state like no other candidate. Never mind that he's been outschemed and outrecruited for years and is a mentally exhausted alcoholic trading on local glory for $3 million more to bridge divorce and retirement.
10. Ex-NFL head coach: Hey, isn't his daughter enrolled at a nearby college? Of course. He's been planning this. His entire career was spent coaching professionals, but we've heard he can't stand being rich and retired. He longs to return to his old job, except now he's eager to add 14-hour recruiting days and academic clearance issues to his workload. And at age 60!
11. The retired coach-turned-TV analyst: So what if he's got his ring? So what if his legacy is intact? So what if he just signed a deal that pays $1 million to work five hours a day for two days a week? Why star in a commercial for Applebee's when you can get screamed at in an Applebee's for not calling a run-pass option?
12. Houston Nutt: He's on line two right now. He'll wait.
13. And if all else fails, just use the Rumored Head Coach Candidate Randomizer created by Ryan Nanni.