I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but New Year's Eve isn't really that great. I know, I know. That party you went to in 2009 is the gold standard. But do you really want to spend your entire life chasing a ghost?
Look, I get the appeal. I do! It's fun to eat, drink and be merry. If you're single, hey, maybe you'll meet someone. If you can't get out very often because of the kids, maybe you can go commiserate with the other blessed people in the same boat.
But instead of getting faux mad about a minor scheduling inconvenience, let's take a high-level view on why audibling (football term) to tonight's College Football Playoff semifinals (Clemson-Oklahoma at 4 p.m. ET on ESPN, Alabama-Michigan State at 8 p.m. ET on ESPN) might be the move.
New Year's Eve still isn't all it's cracked up to be. Here's why you should seize the delightful Playoff that's already at your fingertips and run with it.
1. John Oliver already *EVISCERATED* NYE
Sorry about that. New Year's Eve had a good run (4542997985 BC - 2014 AD). The viral forces of justice are unrelenting though, and what's done is done.
The video is old, but the thesis on New Year's Eve holds up: "You know it's going to happen, but somehow you're never prepared for how truly awful it is."
2. No matter how hard you try, you won't be able to get a cab
There is no circumstance in which driving drunk is remotely a good idea. You'll try to leverage pay transportation to your benefit, but even if you're successful, it'll be a frustrating, mind-numbing, time-consuming experience.
3. Then Uber will surge-price you into poverty
Your attempts to Disrupt The Holiday will be unfulfilling. If you want to pay a small storage unit's rent to go a few neighborhoods over, be my guest. Football on your TV is but the cost of a cable bill you probably already paid and would have to pay anyway.
4. Science is hard. Throwing a party is harder
NOTE: don't put Champagne for party in the old Freezer when you think its the old Fridge. All bottles burst. AARGH!! pic.twitter.com/oYL2NwuRN2— Keith Weed (@keithweed) December 26, 2015
I get it. Your hosts forgot to buy the hooch on time. Their attempts to double down on their mistakes to make up for the lost time will end in agony for all.
5. We all die alone in the end
if ur worried ur not gonna get a New Years Eve kiss just remember that Valentines Day is in 45 days n ur probably gonna b alone for that too— no (@tbhjuststop) December 31, 2015
Single? Married? Separated? That's okay. We all shall fall. Over a long enough timeline, you will have a less than stellar New Year's Eve.
But you know who never judges, is almost always rewarding and by and large consequence free? Here's a hint: it rhymes with "sports."