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Does 'Jurassic Park' violate Title IX? And other dumb NCAA questions about summer movies

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It's May and college football is still distant, so let's go to the movies!

Illustrations by Clay Wendler

Sometimes we ask Texas A&M's Assistant Director of Compliance Brad Barnes real questions about the NCAA, but most often we try and ask the dumbest things possible.

As always, if you have legitimate non-dinosaur questions about NCAA rules, visit your school's compliance site. You can find Brad at @TAMUCompliance.

1. Did the company in Jurassic Park violate Title IX by only breeding female dinosaurs?

Who are the students in that scenario, if we are to use the commonly used proportionality test? That one won't work because the dinosaurs keep eating the people and, thus, screwing up the Title IX math.

1a. Tell us why a genetically modified football player who's also one-third velociraptor couldn't play. And yes, his test scores are AMAZING.

Let's call him Harold. He could play, but now we are back to the problem of him eating his fellow players, and that's got to be the kind of foul that will get him ejected. Unsportsmanlike doesn't really cover it.

Plus, the NCAA has rules against gene doping. I bet Harold would be be dabbling in that.

2. A player has one year after high school graduation to enroll in a college. After that, eligibility starts to run out. Does that mean Marty McFly can't play in 2015, since his graduation would have been in the 1980s? If he goes to 1955, does the pre-1972 freshman ineligibility rule apply?

Actually, the trigger isn't time alone, it's time and participation. Did Marty play an NCAA sport? (I wish skateboarding was an NCAA sport. It wasn't basketball, because that was Teen Wolf.) Is Marty participating in organized, non-exempt competition after his one-year grace period? If he is, he will trigger the delayed enrollment rule and needs to set the DeLorean controls to go back in time.

And, yes, if he goes back to 1955, he will subject himself to freshman ineligibility, which is where some people would want the movie to end. But then we wouldn't have had (new SEC single-season freshman sacks record-holder) Myles Garrett last year, and who would want to live in that world?

3. A prominent former player appears in an R-rated bro comedy. If a coach recommends this film to a recruit, is that illegal?

Film recommendations may result in awkward moments (e.g., recommending that your sheltered Nanna watch The Big Lebowski) but not NCAA violations.

3a. Can a university employee be punished for recommending Entourage?

Yes, the penalty is to hug it out (real answer is no).

4. In the 2002 Spider-Man, a high school student gets bitten by a radioactive spider at a college laboratory. Is the spider considered a booster, and are the superpowers it bestows improper benefits?

No, the spider isn't a booster. At most, the spider is an impermissible recruiting inducement. The superpowers would have to be removed during the student-athlete reinstatement process. I don't know how that would happen. Venom? Spider-Man isn't my specialty.

5. Using compensation from a pre-approved part-time job, a player purchases a vehicle that -- whoops! -- turns out to be a Transformer. Is that player liable for damages if his or her Tahoe blows up the moon?

Hmm, if the moon blows up, liability for damages is probably low on the list of concerns.

6. If a player takes a summer job as the Transporter, is that a violation? We don't mean having a part in one of those films. We mean actually driving an Audi off of a plane while punching a Yakuza hitman through a sunroof.

No, as long as he or she performs the work of the Transporter and isn't paid more than other Transporters.

6a. Trick question! Nothing can stop the Transporter.

True. But Statham was better in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.

7. The bus in Speed cannot slow below 55 miles per hour or it will explode. Should the rules committee take this under consideration when it debates tempo rules?

No, but it should take into consideration which is more preposterous: Speed 2 or the number of timeouts in college basketball.

8. A player steals the Declaration of Independence to seek treasure. Violation?

No violation. And I like that movie. Stealing isn't an NCAA violation, it's a crime.

9. Say the main characters in Face/Off are basketball coaches. If Castor Troy commits a violation while wearing Sean Archer's face, which would face NCAA sanctions?

Castor Troy would be responsible for the violation. That sort of thing already happens on Twitter, with people posing as fans of an institution and saying ludicrous things to recruits.

10. Please choose which Fast and Furious film best describes compliance.

I have only seen Fast & Furious 6. Michelle Rodriguez's character is the violation, which is regrettable, but she's still part of the team. Compliance is Vin Diesel. The Rock is, I guess, the NCAA. We want to get Michelle Rodriguez back on the straight and narrow. It's a stretch, I admit.

11. Is it possible to be an active NCAA athlete and a member of the Avengers? No compensation for non-SHIELD members is discussed in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It's a government-subsidized leadership program.

Yes, but NCAA amateurism rules can be difficult when it comes to commercial movies and promotion. I'm not going to try to explain them to the Hulk.

12. Can you explain this?

It's multiple realities competing to be the dominant narrative. A burrito wrapped around a taco inside a burger laying on a pizza sitting in a bowl of soup.

It's analogous to NCAA rules complicated by conference rules complicated by institutional rules complicated by sport governing body rules complicated by pro sports rules complicated by local, state and federal laws. It's a real regulatory bouillabaisse.

12a. How can Robot Arnold age? If John Connor is already a Terminator, didn't the machines already win? Did the Christian Bale movie not count? If Robot Arnold comes back to fight himself, wouldn't there be an endless loop of Robot Arnolds?

Barnes: I think it has something to do with string theory. I'll get the boys in the physics department working on it chop-chop.