Bret Bielema is so entertaining, he might be Steve Spurrier's successor

Unexpected eroticism. Well, Bret Bielema's turn at the podium at SEC Media Days was ... eventful.

we have the same turn-ons, Bret. https://t.co/VJ89Pd7N5b

— Good Bull Hunting (@GBHunting) July 15, 2015

Steve Spurrier is the default choice for good quotes in most circumstances, and his Tuesday set was pretty good, but he might need to scoot over and let Bret soak up some of his shine for a while.

There were plenty more Bielema quotes where that one came from, including a zing back at Spurrier himself. And he said this while combating Dan Mullen's superior Yeezys with some admittedly respectable Air Force 1s.

Elsewhere in Bret's greatest hits catalog:

• Once referred to a defensive lineman as having "an incredible, incredible ass."
• Denied interest in the Nebraska job by saying he's "all hog."
• Consoled himself after a loss to Alabama by saying at least he doesn't have to deal with Finebaum callers, specifically the awe-inspiring Phyllis from Mulga.
• Once responded to a question of whether he was joking about injuries by offering that he's not a comedian. Well sir, we beg to differ.
• And, of course, he never, ever lets the haters up:

"@DoyleSean: @BretBielema Fat guy in a Cowboy hat. Sweet." Feel better? At least I can take the hat off, seems you are stuck as you. #1-0

— Bret Bielema (@BretBielema) May 1, 2013

Other Media Days things. Yes, other coaches bothered to say things at Media Days despite Bielema stealing the show. Nick Saban was there, and you'll be shocked to learn he was somewhat curmudgeonly, this time directing his ire at the NFL Draft process.

Hold my calls. I'm going to need a minute: http://t.co/VQ2NEK6tl1 pic.twitter.com/UKD83iFEay

— Land-Grant Holy Land (@Landgrant33) July 15, 2015

Later, one of Saban's former players, Plaxico Burress, had some pointed words for Saban on Twitter.

Oh, right, and Paul Finebaum called the SEC overrated. Open your umbrellas now to avoid being hit by raining frogs.

$$$$$. Michigan broke the bank in its new deal with Nike, which runs 11 years for $169 million. It'll be getting an estimated $15.4 million a year, which far outpaces the previously biggest deal, between Under Armour and Notre Dame ($9 million per).

Starting over. Oregon State has made a lot of astute moves this offseason, but year one of the Gary Andersen regime should be a bumpy ride.

Actual football! Texas A&M and Arizona State face off in one of the marquee games of Week One. Take a look at how these two teams are perfectly built to test each other.

Fancy numbers. Using offensive run/pass ratios and S&P+ to measure efficiency, these charts provide a great visualization of how the offenses of power conference teams compare to each other.

Ambitious! Ohio State QB Cardale Jones was at the ESPYs, where he spent his time trying to land a date with Ronda Rousey or Kendall Jenner.

Good enough? For Whom the Cowbell Tolls defends Dan Mullen for his not-so-bold stance on the Confederate flag.