This Iowa fan survey is funny, but it doesn't go far enough

Iowa's figured out how to solve the challenge of pleasing everybody involved with its program: by sending a survey to season ticket holders.

This is not a survey that asks the usual questions, like "What are your expectations this year?" or "Do you think Kirk Ferentz could beat Iowa State if the Cyclones were coached by a broken graphing calculator?"

No, what Iowa wants to know is more interesting: is winning more important than doing things the "right" way?

UI survey by Scott Dochterman

The problem, other than presupposing a zero-sum game, is that it's too general. Running a team is not a series of decisions labeled WIN and BE UPSTANDING.

So, in the interest of furthering Hawkeye research, we've devised a few additional survey questions.

1. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, how important is building a 60-foot-tall butter statue of Bret Bielema to convince him to come the hell home?
2. It's third-and-15 and we're at the opponent's 35-yard line. Is it cool if we just punt now?
3. Rank the following priorities: beating Minnesota; competing for the division title; convincing media to stop saying Iowa could go undefeated because the schedule is easy; beating Pitt; oh hell what if we lose to Pitt
4. Please list the local bank you know with the oldest and least sophisticated security system. This, um, is purely for research. You have to tell us if you're a cop.
5. Which of the following FCS opponents would be most mortifying to lose to: Illinois State, North Dakota State, or Northern Iowa?
6. Would you rather we lose to Vanderbilt? Because we can look into setting up that home-and-home.
7. Would you be willing to send the NCAA a doctored audiotape of Ohio State players taking impermissible benefits? What about lying to an investigator?
8. Think of a number between five and nine.
9. Ok, that's how many games we're going to win this year. You can't get mad now.
10. If you know a wide receiver with eligibility left, please write his name here: ______________.