Why you should be excited about 130 college football teams in 2015

Air Force: The Falcons went from two wins in 2013 to 10 wins in 2014, so they're going to win 50 games in 2015!

Akron: Starting QB Cardale Jones should do wonders.

Alabama: Alabama doesn't do excitement. Just occasional satisfaction with winning and mass hysteria if anything goes wrong.

Appalachian State: Appalachian State is now officially FBS, meaning it can finally prove what it's known for years: FBS is trash.

Arizona: Happy Rich Rodriguez is unstoppable! And right now, Rich Rodriguez is SO HAPPY.

Rich Rod does a pretty solid Nae Nae: http://t.co/UMFbC2Wqso pic.twitter.com/u3l5PaQCj8

— SB Nation (@SBNation) August 8, 2015

Arizona State: It doesn't seem like Todd Graham is antsy!

Arkansas: We get to find out what else Bret Bielema finds "borderline erotic." (Hint: robust pork products and robust offensive line play.)

Arkansas State: This year is a good year so long as nobody keels over during a fake punt!

Ball State: Finally, the horrible Poop Dollar Scandal of 2014 is in the past. Now we can move forward.

Baylor: The Big 12 put rules in place so that if we did the 2014 season over again, Baylor would be the official Big 12 champion! Congrats?

Boise State: Time for another Mountain West Conference championship! (Boring at this point, to be honest.)

Boston College: Tom Brady's only suspended for four games!

Bowling Green: More like Just-Won-A-Bowl-Game Green, imo

Buffalo: New coach Lance Leipold won six national titles while only losing six games in eight years at Wisconsin-Whitewater. If he does that at Buffalo, the Bulls will be the best team of all time!

BYU: The Cougars have earned something more meaningful than any win or loss: the acknowledgement of the SEC. This is truly the big time!

Cal: S O O O   M A N Y   P O I N T Z

Central Michigan: The Chippewas realized they should run the multiple-lateral, 80-yard touchdown play on the last play of last season. They're going to run that play every down this year and score a trillion points.

Charlotte: One year into FBS existence, Charlotte is already the most functional football team called the 49ers.

Cincinnati: BURRITO TOUCHDOWNS

Ben getting recruited with burritos @BSkowronek10 pic.twitter.com/bXcF0y9OrS

— Austin Mack (@Austin_Mack10) May 11, 2015

Clemson: According to reports, Dabo Swinney has his boys fired up and ready to roll!

Colorado: Hey! It's the 25th anniversary of Colorado's national title!

Duke: Welcome to Duke Fan Heaven: A mediocre-to-good football team with a hoops national title in hand!

North Carolina: Can probably beat Duke.

Eastern Michigan: This is the year Eastern Michigan finally beats its greatest enemy, a wall!

Georgia Southern: Georgia Southern actually wins a lot of games in addition to that one game against Florida!

Florida: NO! MORE! WILL! MUSCHAMP!

Auburn: WE! GOT! WILL! MUSCHAMP!

Florida Atlantic: Hey, have you ever noticed that their head coach is Charlie Partridge (a bird type) and the team is the Owls (also birds)? Pretty neat!

Florida International: Bethune-Cookman is off the schedule this year!

Fresno State: NEW PUPPY

Getting used to all the fame & pictures! Trying to rest up for my debut on Sept. 3rd at the @FresnoStateFB Opener. pic.twitter.com/E6yZpatqrB

— Victor E Bulldog III (@VictorEBulldog) June 22, 2015

Florida State: Worried Jimbo Fisher won't be able to replace Jameis Winston? JIMBO FISHER REPLACED HIS OWN HAIR.

Georgia: After years of yelling at Mike Bobo for not running/not throwing enough, UGA is now Bobo-free.

Colorado State: I'M IN LOVE WITH THE BOBO

Georgia State: Could feasibly win more games in the Georgia Dome than the Falcons!

Georgia Tech: Don't get excited about Georgia Tech. Don't even pay attention to Georgia Tech. Does Georgia Tech even exist? You're definitely not playing Georgia Tech right now! Go to sleep. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--[/awakes covered in bee stings, losing 28-7 to Georgia Tech]

Hawaii: How can you not be excited when this is how your announcer calls a game-winning TD?

Houston: The Cougars' coach is an active national champ!

Idaho: Paul Petrino is excited, in a way!

Illinois: Forget all the hideous accusations and enjoy the aftermath of Tim Beckman football!

Indiana: The Hoosiers are guaranteed to hold the SEC East title for at least another year.

Iowa: There is no escape from Kirk Ferentz, so you might as well drink the TaxSlayer Bowl dry again!

Iowa State: At least one school thinks beating Iowa State is goalpost-destruction worthy! (One very sad school, but still.)

Kansas: Finally rid of enormous fun-sucking Hutt coach!

Kansas State: Bill Snyder is AMPING UP his calmness and niceness to PREVIOUSLY UNFORESEEN LEVELS OF CALMNESS AND NICENESS

Kent State: This guy will get you excited for Kent State:

Kentucky: The SEC is really good, and boy is Kentucky in the SEC!

LSU: Time for LSU's once-every-four-years-whether-there's-a-quarterback-or-not national title run!

Louisiana Tech: People still like Duck Dynasty, right?

ULM: PEOPLE STILL LIKE DUCK DYNASTY, RIGHT?

Louisiana-Lafayette: The Ragin' Cajuns have won nine games four years in a row. Winning nine games is good!

Louisville: Murderbird!

Marshall: Only has to be two points better than last year for a perfect season!

Maryland: The Big Ten has been a great fit for the Terps!

Let’s check in and see how the day has gone for Maryland: pic.twitter.com/viauY2baYL

— Ryan Stites (@Brocktoon23) October 25, 2014

Memphis: Justin Fuente stayed, moving him one year closer to civic institutions Marc Gasol and DJ Paul!

Miami: The Hurricanes have finally merged with going clubbing!

Miami (Ohio): Certainly amongst the top two Miamis in college football!

Michigan:

we get it already, you have Jim Harbaugh

Michigan State: Still better than Michigan!

Middle Tennessee: After all these years, it looks like Rick Stock's Still the man for the job!

Minnesota: It's Dilly Bar Season! (In Minnesota, every season is Dilly Bar Season.)

Mississippi State: CLANGA WORLD RECORD

Missouri: People are saying Mizzou isn't going to win the SEC East. That means Mizzou's going to win the SEC East.

Non-FBS teams that are Montana: Stitt has already happened.

Non-FBS teams that aren't Montana: You probably only have to play Montana once, tops.

Navy: Beating Army again!

Army: Beating UConn again!

UConn: A chance to create a new rivalry trophy with whichever team it beats this year!

UCF: Was a loss to UConn away from an undefeated conference season. So the Knights probably have an undefeated conference season this year.

Nebraska: The Cornhuskers voluntarily got rid of Bo Pelini and brought in Mike Riley, so it must be a good idea!

Oregon State: The Beavers didn't fire a coach many wanted to fire and ended up with a coach most fans at a more successful football school didn't want to leave. That makes no sense!

Wisconsin: Winning all the time somewhat fills the void created by all those departing coaches!

Nevada: To be honest, I can't say anything nice about the Wolf Pack unless they get somebody else to grow a platinum blonde mullet.

New Mexico: Definitely the best college football team with "New Mexico" in its name!

New Mexico State: Likely to win at least one game!

NC State: Think about how much money the Wolfpack saved by playing road games at Old Dominion and South Alabama instead of paying cupcakes to come to Raleigh!

North Texas: UNT has the best home field advantage in college football! Kind of!

Northern Illinois: Almost certain to retain Illinois State Champions title!

Northwestern: The union will not be a season-ruining distraction this year, so Northwestern is sure to go undefeated!

Notre Dame: This is the year that extremely high ranking doesn't end with a crash into a 300,000-foot ravine!

Ohio: Has gotten worse for four straight seasons! Wait, I was supposed to say a good thing, sorry

Ohio State: Might win a national championship **and** beat Virginia Tech!

Oklahoma: If Baker Mayfield can hit the whip this perfectly, there's nothing Oklahoma can't do.

Oklahoma State: Mike Gundy is actually 48 now, is still a man, and is more prepared to coach a college football team than ever.

Old Dominion: Still has never had a losing season!

Ole Miss: 2015 will be better, because 2015 cannot be worse than "historic season derailed after huge TD turns out to be lost fumble featuring gruesome leg injury to best receiver."

Oregon: With new glow-in-the-dark uniforms, Oregon would be two steps from sentient uniforms that can win games for themselves.

Penn State: Could have the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft even if he doesn't play that well and the team loses a lot!

Pittsburgh: Another new exciting coa- crap is he gone already

Purdue: Purdue fans still oughta be proud!

Rice: THE DRIPHUS AFFAIR is Rice's high-powered offense.

Rutgers: Other Big Ten schools still snarling about Rutgers being in the Big Ten? Makes for great rivalry fuel!

San Diego State: Now that the Aztecs have these fly-ass helmets, there's a chance one home game features Quetzalcoatl, the feathered serpent god, slaying the coach of SDSU's opponent and feasting upon his still-beating heart!

San Jose State: More uniform color options than games in a season!

South Alabama: South Alabama's coaches are metal enough to coach through enormous bloody faces!

South Carolina: This will be the year Steve Spurrier finally sets the record for negative shits given.

South Florida: At least you have South Florida's beautiful weath- it's where, now?

SMU: It can't get worse!

Southern Miss: Almost certain not to go 0-12 again!

Stanford: This is the year of the 11-man offensive line just plowing through opponents.

Syracuse: As head coach Scott Shafer points out, Syracuse football is better than being beheaded by ISIS!

Tennessee: In case the Vols don't improve, the team has implicitly endorsed Jack Daniels, so it's a win-win!

Texas: Charlie Strong has ADORABLE BLOOD-HUNGRY TIGERS!

Texas A&M: The Aggies will be unstoppable in 300,000-seat, lake-holding, gold-plated Kyle Field! It sure is bigger than Texas' stadium!

TCU: A Heisman candidate and a possible Playoff bid? LET'S ALL SQUIRT BLOOD OUT OF OUR EYES!

Texas State: The Bobcats have improved every year under Dennis Franchione, so eventually wreaking revenge on Texas A&M and Alabama is going according to plan.

Texas Tech: Still handsome!

Toledo: "No team has been as consistently decent as Toledo!"

Troy: A person besides Larry Blakeney is the head coach at Troy for the first time since 1990! Different things are interesting!

Tulane: The stands at Tulane games are a sp0o0o0oky fun time for the whole family!

Tulsa: They're trying to be Baylor! That's fun and good!

UCLA: Possibly back in Diddy's good graces (acquired left-handed golf clubs, sugar cookies, and pure Cambodian breast milk). Now you know that we won't stop, eh-ehhh, eh-ehhh.

UMass: It sure seems like the Minutemen are going to stay in FBS!

UNLV: The Rebels are going all-in on Vegas-themed stuff, which can only mean GOOD LUCK GREAT TIMES AND WINNI- [/wakes up with splitting headache, negative money in bank account, angry voicemails from significant other]

USC: After a few rough months, we can assume Snoop Dogg is once again a USC fan! All is right in the world.

UTEP: With the graduation of Jameill Showers, you can let your kids watch UTEP without risking exposure to sex terminology!

UTSA: You're gonna hear two sounds: BOOM when you get blown up by a ginormous block and MEEP MEEP as the Roadrunner speeds away.

Utah: Still gets to make fun of its most hated rival for not even having a conference.

Utah State: CHUCKIE KEETON LIVES

Vanderbilt: Anything above poorly timed, tactless tweets is a success!

Virginia: This is either Mike London's best season or his last season!

Virginia Tech: /flies 2014 Transitive Property National Champions banner

ECU: /flies 2014 Transitive Property National Champions banner

Temple: /flies 2014 Transitive Property National Champions banner

Washington: To become Boise State, you must beat Boise State.

Washington State: Mike Leach read a book about the building of the Sphinx or the Punic Wars or something, and now the Cougars can play defense that's just regular awful instead of historically awful!

West Virginia: Holgo's Red Bull consumption deemed "not that bad in comparison!"

WKU: UNSTOPPABLE LONG SNAPPING

Western Michigan: Forever and always:

Wyoming: Craig Bohl could have the Cowboys Bohl-ing!

Wake Forest: nah, f*** this s***