Tall abacus Steve Patterson is on his way out as the world's most powerful collegiate athletic director. He'll be remembered for pinching pennies, declaring players unworthy of pennies and angering many humans, all with varying efficiency.
Who'll take over for him as the overseer of perhaps amateur sports' greatest cash trough? There are many ideas. Bringing back Mack Brown as AD is certainly an idea, a terrible one, but without question an idea.
The qualifications include soothing boosters into giving you money, firing coaches at the correct crosspoint between them making you money and it costing money to get rid of them, replacing them by pointing the money cannon at a pleasing trajectory, and ideally not squeezing too much money out of your customers, since that will make them mad. Especially if the coaches you're giving all that money can't produce many points in games.
That's quite a list. You and I shouldn't even send in our résumés. This gig will only go to someone who knows many things about money, and since Patterson's soul is reportedly a spreadsheet with an error in B3 that throws the whole thing off, the gig will surely require someone capable of expressing school spirit.
Let's add one more thing. This person has to hate Texas A&M as much as Texas A&M fans hate Texas.
Texas A&M fans hate Texas. They say they don't, but they do. They take as much joy in the Longhorns putting up two rushing yards against Arkansas and needing lawsuits and blowout losses to figure out who's running the offense as they do in the Aggies holding steady in the SEC. They make memes about Charlie Strong booting players, they sing night and day about sawing Bevo's horns off, and they lead the nation in obsessing over things.
Here's the key. Texas fans hate Texas A&M. They say they don't, but they do. The big Aggie SEC renaissance has produced how many rings, championships, and truly excellent seasons for A&M? If you need to know, don't even look it up. A Texas fan can tell you right away. They couldn't have been giddier to outrank the hyped A&M in recruiting in February, especially with Strong's hardass approach to discipline contrasting Kevin Sumlin's helicopter DJ parties, or whatever we're assuming he does with helicopters and DJs. They are not as good at memes, but they type many words.
Seeing as these people hate each other, and seeing as the cool Texas thing to do when you hate something is apparently to pretend you don't (even Baylor and TCU do this with each other), we need that same kind of poorly forced indifference represented all the way to the top.
Former Texas AD DeLoss Dodds sure seemed to hate A&M, but emotions (and so forth) over A&M's exit from the Big 12 prevented a quick reunion on the field. His replacement, the outgoing Patterson, dismissed the idea of having time to play the Aggies, which is almost decent hatin'. But in the same breath he talked about finding time to play in f***ing Mexico City, and there's no way he BEEP BORP'd that on purpose to tweak A&M.
Texas A&M-LSU is fine. Texas-whoever is fine. But the Horns and Aggies will ditch their create-a-rivals to play again at some point, and the quicker the better. Hiring a hellraiser with a mouth full of Lone Star sass who calls 'em as he or she sees 'em and has the ornery disposition to burn the Aggies with some spicy talk right between the eyes, all while pretending not to care about the consequences? That'll get us there quicker.
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