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T.W.I.S., where one Terps fan thinks Maryland could've landed Jim Harbaugh

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Hello! This Week In Schadenfreude is our weekly trawl for the most upset people on the college football Internet! It's amazing there's not a Rutgers section, but check back next time, probably!

Gene Sweeney Jr./Getty Images

You probably didn't expect Week 2 to be plentiful with Schadenfreude. Not that many marquee matchups, a glut of non-conference opponents meant to pad the schedules of power-conference teams ... it seemed wise to prepare for a lean week. How very, very, very wrong we were.

VIRGINIA

You're about to read 3,700 words of pain and suffering. If you're pressed for time, just look at this instead.

It's really the pat on the back that makes it. "Hey, just reminding you you're still alive and we have to go sit in traffic now." Let's see how beleaguered Hoos were dealing with the loss at The Sabre.

If they let moral victories count toward bowl eligibility...
London would have UVA playing on New Year's day every year.

5-10 years ago I would have cared....

but now, I am so immune to our inept team, I really don't even care any more....really sad.

It is 2 months until basketball and the football program is a disaster.

Basketball and baseball are the only UVA sports I care about and I used to be a season football ticket holder. I could care less if they fold up the football program until we get some serious changes.

Thank you Coach London---so numb to losing now

That this loss barely registers now. Yes the team played with heart today and the offensive game plan was much superior to the UCLA game. Nevertheless, the defense still collapsed like a UVA house of cards when it mattered....

back up QB...check
4th down conversion deep in their territory...check
prevent defense....check
and then the dagger.....just like all the others...

UVA at its finest.

I've seen this same game many times over last 40 years

It always ends the same way. I used to care that we lost. Now I just expect it. It really pisses me off that London and Littlepage have done this to Virginia football. Going to UVA football games used to be one of the things I really enjoyed about the falll. Now it just makes me mad.

Wait, how old are you if a) you've seen Virginia blow games painfully many times over the last 40 years but also b) going to UVA games used to be a thing you really enjoyed? Are you some sort of UVAncient Mariner?

I know I'm just angry right now, but...

I'm glad Zaire is out for the year. You ripped our hearts out, we take down your best chance of a national title run.

F Notre Dame!

SELF: It's wrong to take pleasure in a 20-year-old getting seriously injured.

SHITTY VERSION OF SELF: [/sound of a human soul being pulverized by a Vitamix]

SELF: Fair point. Post away!

What's really special about Virginia fans is how they embrace swordsmanship in their interactions with one another: every hint of optimism is swiftly parried.

And, just like Olympic fencing, I have no idea who's winning or losing and why!

We squeak out loses while he squeaks out millions... None of you

"moral victorians" would last a week at your jobs.

Look, say what you want about that Vox couple, but, for the majority of the Victorian Era, Virginia football didn't even exist! Typhoid never blew a lead in the fourth quarter.

But there is hope, according to one commenter at Streaking The Lawn.

The dream is alive.
The dream that we might lose to both William & Mary and Boise State to start 0-4, and the Three Stooges are fired the Monday after.

Or maybe it's Faceplant Maryland Loss.

MARYLAND

It's not often that we invoke Billy Ocean, but it's not often that the Terps get buzzsawed by a MAC team at home, as the good people of Testudo Times can tell you. Therefore, get out of my dreams, Randy Edsall!

edsall, just leave... just call an uber, pick u up, and leave, we will send you the items from your office

I like the implication that Edsall either doesn't have his own car or doesn't remember where he parked it.

That said, you don't just get to go home, Randy. You have a stop to make.

Randy Esdall needs to come to my f*cking house and tell my 4yo son that they lost the game
Poor kid was doing a cute dance talking about the "got Terps" and how he wanted them to win.

It's like Santa coming to your house, only instead of presents, he has your dog, which he just ran over. Sorry!

At least there is no QB controversy...
We're just choosing the best of a terrible group.

Drop Edsall now
What do we have to lose? A game against a MAC school
The schedule gets tougher as the season goes on
I predict 1-11, 2-10 if we are lucky

It's now time for Name A Coach, Any Coach, the segment in which Maryland fans start dropping names to replace Edsall without any regard for whether the coach would be interested.

Rich Rodriguez
Would be an awesome hire. I think if Maryland wanted him, they would have a good chance at prying him away from Arizona.

Arizona won 10 games last season and played in the conference championship. (Ok, one-fifth of the conference championship.)

All those talking about a new coach
For this program to get really anywhere, it might need a new take entirely. Why not get a gimmick type of coach?

I don't know how much money it would take to lure Paul Johnson from Georgia Tech, but everywhere the man has gone, he has won. And yes, this would mean saying goodbye to Haskins, I know. But I would be willing to take that to no longer lose to teams like this at home and not even have half the stands filled.

Georgia Tech won 11 games, also played for the conference title, and stomped Mississippi State in the Orange Bowl.

I still say the Terps should have topped Michigan's Offer to Jim Harbaugh last year
The difference a Harbaugh would have made to this program in the long run in terms of ticket sales and donors is tremendous. It'd have more than paid for the difference between his contract and Edsall's. Would he have signed? Probably not. But you make sure to offer him a million a year more than Michigan and make him turn it down. You never know, maybe he'd have liked to coach in the same state as his brother. Maybe he'd enjoy the challenge of being the first guy since the 50s to turn Maryland into a football powerhouse- he's a guy who's known to like challenges- and Maryland is at the same time a big challenge and a big ten school with two big NFL markets right near it, so it's a challenge, but not an impossible challenge (They are in a good conference, they've got a lot of football fans in the area- you convert 75% of Ravens fans and 75% of Redskins fans and Byrd would sell out every game).

This scenario is beautiful because it suggests there is a world in which Michigan could have been outbid for Harbaugh by Maryland. Michigan fans would have mortgaged the state to Canada to avoid being outbid for Harbaugh by Maryland. Can we please find something resembling a realistic plan of succession, Terrapin fans?

I'd take Brady Hoke in a heartbeat

oh god that was too real i take it back

IOWA STATE

After losing ¡El Assico!, Wide Right & Natty Lite put two separate entries into the Compendium of Inadvertent Commenter Poetry.

First, there's "Meditation On Kirk Ferentz Handing Out Pencils."

Hawkeye fans are the worst
They are the K-Mart of retail stores
The Hawkeye of vodka
The cliched ending of chick flicks
The pencils of Halloween candy
The ‘please try again' of soda caps
The Jar Jar Binks of Star Wars
The popcorn stuck in the back of your throat
And the bane of my cyclone fandom

And then there's "Fathers, Uncles, Cousins, Kids."

Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuckity
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck you you fucking fucks
Fuck me
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck

I can't choose. They're both so good! So I've created a poll at the end of this post, where you can choose your favorite.

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OREGON

Vernon Adams had an up-and-down game against Michigan State. He averaged nearly eight yards per pass attempt, but he also threw two picks and missed a very open receiver on what would have been the go-ahead touchdown.

In fairness, most Oregon fans at Addicted To Quack recognize that playing the Spartans on the road in your second start with a broken index finger is kind of a tall order. You will note that I said "most" and not "all."

I AM DONE WITH THE VERNON ADAMS ERA

Giving someone a chance to catch that ball would have been great.
Adams isn't ready yet.

Vernon shouldn't have played this game if he can't throw the ball properly

Vernon is not a good QB
short, slow, not accurate. He was at Eastern Washington for a reason

Ducks are wasting a year of development by playing this dude. He's not the answer

YEAH GO BACK TO BUTTE COLLEGE, AARON RODGERS

Bench Adams.
I'm sorry, I'm probably the only one saying this...and I've been in the VA camp for a while, despite always having an uneasy feeling and VA tonight confirmed it. He is talented, yes, but I just don't think he is going to cut it frankly. He needs to make those simple throws, and with composure; if he cannot...then welp...this is only the first lost of likely many. Rest of the team looks decent, but needs fine tuning primarily on the defensive side. Also, lets give lockie a try in game.

This is what a segment of Ducks fans are just going to be now, constantly chasing the high that Marcus Mariota gave them and failing to achieve it. "This transfer cocaine just isn't getting the job done; if we start settling for only pretty good performances from our stimulants, we might as well be Washington."

Say, can you think of another school that's never really come to terms with the graduation of the greatest quarterback in school history?

TENNESSEE

The most vivid imagery of Tennessee's record-setting home collapse against Oklahoma comes from a commenter at Rocky Top Talk. Please note: "vivid" has no value attached to it, because this is not a thing you will enjoy.

This game was like chili night at the retirement home
Awesome at first but pretty sh*tty 4 hours later.

Because I'm hateful, I'll point out that it's really hard to choke that badly on chili.

Hire a Saturday coach and let Jones work through the week recruiting. I probably will regret this post later, but this is as disapointing loss as I can ever remember. We have to have better decision makers running the program. I will never stand behind this staff again!!!!!!!!!!!

You're literally describing the arrangement Steve Spurrier has at South Carolina.

The people of VolNation had some feelings that could only be expressed in very long paragraphs.

I think Tennessee football is dead...
After last night, when I was in complete shock, frustrated, angry, in tears, I don't think Tennessee football will ever return to its glory days. I don't think I ever seen a poorly coached game in my entire life of watching football game. There's is NO excuse and I mean no NO excuse whatsoever that we lost this game. This is all on Butch and the coaching staff tonight. I'm sorry my fellow vol fans and you might think I'm not a true fan but I just don't think Tennessee football will ever be a powerhouse again. You don't know how bad I've wanted us to succeed and win this game. Being a Vol fan since I was 8 years old growing up in Kentucky, I just lost hope in this team. I want us to be good just as much as anyone else on site but the chances are fading more and more each day. Like I said, you can bash me all you want but after tonight, I just don't see how anyone can say that Tennessee football is back.

Even if you're right, why is this a problem? Studying rotting corpses is kind of Tennessee's thing!

Saban and Spurrier sure as heck win those games. Richt wins those games. Miles wins those games. Freeze, Mullen, and Malzahn win those games. While , I don't believe those are all great coaches, they could certainly cash in with this team. The fact that our coach -the coach of a historically Top 10 program is not on caliber with at least half the coaches in this league is an indictment on all involved with his hire and especially his contract extension.

The amount of emotion in Neyland the last two years was not unjustified. We could see that it was there for the taking. The lack of ability to actually take it is clear. It boggles the mind that we employ this slogan-happy, sub-100 iq, ultra conservative, high school caliber coach. Anyone who thinks that Butch Jones will ever have what it takes to win a championship and be a Top 10 team is off his rocker. This game-combined with the DeBord hire-proves that Butch is both unable and unwilling to learna nd grow as a football coach. The sooner he leaves the better.

All this Spurrier love is confusing me.

Being a Tennessee fan is like a love affair. Each season you see your sweetheart anew. She starts out beautiful sweet, attractive in every way, but by the end if the season you have a clear view if her. As a young fan I saw my sweetheart as attractive and when she lost games she was still beautiful. In the seventies, Bama always roughed her up, but she was mine and I had hope that she would be the most beautiful. I attend the university in the 80s and when I was at ut, my girl still lost but she was fun to be around. She even beat the bears teams! Heck there were miracles and victories that show me hiw great she was. The 90s lead to her greatest beauty! She was my darling! There were some heartbreaks but the 98 season captured my heart and the vision of her was set! Each fall I new she would look just like she did then. But something happened! She got sick. About 2001 she lost to lsu. It hurt because I thought she was still beautiful, but the rest if the world started to we that she had a wart! It started small! But by 2005 it had grown and she had other warts! I vils never see them but all the other school fans could and the always pointed them out. My sweethearts appearance began to change. She started covering up the warts! Each year everyone heard she will be the most beautiful this year! I believed she was beautiful and each year she was going to be the prettiest yet! However other fans said she had the worst warts ever! Sure enough by 2005 I could usually see her warts by game 3! They were ugly! Each season 2006, 07, 08, I would see them! I was always blind to how bad they were and still saw my true love as beautiful! Until 2013, at the vandy game! She was old smelly and ugly! Could I love her? Florida 14, ooh! She had warts, farted and had stank breath! But I started off the test in love! 2015, I was in love! She was the most beautiful girl! Others said the warts are as bad as ever but I did not see them. Till today! She has warts , she is stinky and hard to love! My heart is broken and I can't unsee what she looks like! One ugly butch!

That's the original draft of "A Rose for Emily."

cut me again leave me out up yours
WE Tn presented the most under coached football team of all time. I have supported DODO tilll now .
no excusesess. no kiddicking game no nothing. We had the Gatotors beat an we let Muschagravechamp beat us? bull hocky let the DoDo go. no more embarrishment let his arse go, now quicker than a c hicken putt let our people go. We are Tennessee.nomore dumkoff

Nomore dumkoff, indeed.

ARKANSAS

Tennessee fans could take solace in the fact they lost to Oklahoma, a team ranked ahead of them and favored by oddsmakers. The fans at Arkansas Fight ...

Watching this game in the stadium was like watching someone about to be hit by a car in slow motion
You can see the horror happening right in front of you but there's nothing you can do about it but scream WAKE UP!!!! YOUR ABOUT TO GET BEAT BY A MAC TEAM!!! (Which I did) but they just went about their merry little way getting humiliated and becoming a laughing stock to the national public who had just now started to give them a little respect. Kiss the polls goodbye fellas we don't deserve it.

... could not say the same about Toledo. That means it's time to take a trip to Hogville. Please note: flights into the website are currently grounded due to rage delays.

Coaches Ride Bus back to Fayetteville?

I recall that CBB had a lot of players ride the bus back to campus instead of flying. I think it was meant as punishmrnt for not doing what they needed to. Well, the coaches did not do what they needed to do. These coaches still collected their big paychecks. I wonder how many put themselves on the bus back to campus?

Someone disagreed with this, not because worrying about travel methods is pointless, but because we gotta hold these damn bus drivers accountable too.

Bottom line the entire team has failed today.
The coaches, players, water boys, bus drivers and the fans.
Fail..
I bet they pay attention next week?

Yes, watching your ranked team lose to Toledo is unpleasant. But it could always be worse.

You all think you had it bad??

Doc told me no more alcohol
I had to watch the game while drinking O'Douls
So I don't wanna hear any more bitchin

This user later shared chapter two of his story with the class.

I woke up with gas, and regrets of not meeting the team at the airport
I wish I'd been the one to lead the charge
MEET THE TEAM AT THE AIRPORT!!! That's what we should have done, as a fan base.
But I didn't. And I feel bad for it. Especially bad because of the gas I woke with too. O'Douls non alcoholic beer, roasted red pepper hummis with those health food bean chips, and red beans and rice (smoked sausage and shrimp).

The Fart of Losing: An Arkansas Football Story. That's a best-seller, buddy. Unfortunately, it won't be a sexually charged thriller.

WE all can forget about the ...
TOP 25 for the rest of the season....and no bowl game, can forget that one too...thank God our coach reached orgasm after last year's bowl win because he won't be feeling that "borderline erotic" again....at least not as far as football goes...well maybe if Barry Alvarez calls him back, that would be about it

Creating an Internet user name is something most people don't put a lot of thought into. That can lead to unintended outcomes, like one Arkansas fan who goes by SemperFi posting the following.

My football season is over. All things razorback has been pulled from my closet and stored in the attic. I'm done with this team and coaching staff. Worst loss siince ULM and the Citadel. Worst performance since the smiling fool was our HC. Dan Enos destroyed a great offensive line by asking them to be a finese team and I will not support the trash that I saw on the field today.

I know, I know, he or she is probably a Marine, and I thank them for their service and their refusal to commingle Arkansan and Latin.

When a team gets unexpectedly upset, we all scramble to try and figure out how historically bad the upset was; looking to the past is one way of providing useful context. Another is this.

There is no explaining this loss. Even now, Sunday morning, it is a horrible loss. As bad as the loss is, the fans are worse...always trying to blame an individual on the team. Crap, there's even Nutt-huggers showing back up!!

I think we Hog fans are climbing the ranks of College Football's Dumbest Fanbase.

If you're self-labeling as the dumbest fanbase, it's PRETTY DAMN BAD. Like, seriously-considering-calling-the-coach-you-ran-off-via-aggressive-freedom-of-information-requests bad.

Or admit-to-a-theft-for-some-reason bad.

Before we move on, I want to go back to ArkansasFight and show you the second comment from their game thread.

so... who else thought the auburn game was hilarious

They were the opener, Arkansas. But you earned that headline spot at the College Football Comedy Hour.

AUBURN

This Week In Schadenfreude tends to stay in the comment sections of teams that lost. Occasionally, an exception is made when a team wins but does so in a fashion that gives the fans far more anguish than satisfaction. Needing overtime to beat FCS Jacksonville State qualifies for the Salty Winner's Circle, so we'll end with some of our most gutted Auburn friends at College & Magnolia, desperately searching for a chemical solution.

I didn't get enough fucking beer for this

I wonder how much heroin is going for in this area right now.

time for bowl #2

This sentiment was echoed at the Auburn section of SEC Rant.

The effort and performance on the field right now is identical to Varsity Blues when they play after going to the strip club all night. They look absolutely terrible, slow, like they're all hung over.

I hope the 100 recruits we have at the game all get drunk and forget this shite

Why do we look like the fricking d2 team out there? What a bag of dicks. The only momentum we are creating is how fast I'm downing this jameson.

Bring back Tubberville. frick Gus and his bull shite.

This is why you shouldn't ever try Tommy Tuberville. You'll never fully shake him once you do.