I'm writing this on the night of the seventh of September, in the year 2015.
Just this morning, I awoke in tears. It was just past 5:00 a.m. and my heart was broken. Light and happiness seemed imaginary. It was a sadness that would last forever.
The reason behind it was that after going to the second Made in America concert, exhausted and bordering on hallucinations, I fell asleep with my headphones on. When I woke up, Frank Ocean's "There Will Be Tears" was just ending. I don't know why I got so emotional -- I know my father; he's a pretty cool guy -- but there I was in the early morning, wiping away tears and asking God why my father couldn't just tell me that he couldn't be there for me.
The point of all of that is to say this: to the defender who just got his entire existence juked out of him by Braxton Miller, I know how you feel. It's not your fault.
These things just happen sometimes.
Buckeyes look beastly
Buckeyes look beastly
I mean, you have a dude who was just playing quarterback a couple years ago being funneled towards you. The angle is perfect. Fate has already deemed you victor. Though Ohio State is utterly embarrassing your team, this is your chance to lay down the gauntlet and let the world know that one Virginia Tech player -- you -- is not to be toyed with.
Then next thing you know, he hits you with an Oscar-worthy Black Swan spin move and you're out there grasping at air like your whole body is made of straw man arguments.
But maybe there was something else here. Judging by the technique of the tackle, it seems you wanted to fall down at the alter of Braxton Miller and praise him in the middle of a nationally televised game.
Probably should have waited 'til after.
It's more than just the guy who got his soul burned like "Ether," though. We have a few culprits here. Look at the two defenders in the backfield who end up running into each other.
It's like the part of an action movie when one of the characters is fallen and tells his brethren to forget and continue on without him. All that we needed was for one of them to yell, "Witness me!" before sacrificing his life in the futile effort of stopping Braxton Miller.
Then there's the guy actually chasing Miller the entire time. The one in the backfield, who jukes past the blocker as Miller cuts to the inside.
I've never seen a more apt representation of chasing after your dreams.
We like to think that we are the exceptions to the rule. That we are the little snowflakes destined for greatness. The temporarily embarrassed millionaires. But more often than not, we're the dude being left behind as the Ohio State star turns on the afterburners.
Miller is the personification of our dreams, and all we can do is chug our legs in vain as he speeds out of his reach.
And then sometimes we're the guy who sheds his blocker on the bottom of the screen before leaping at Miller and ending up with nothing but a mouthful of grass.
Dude did a slow motion Furious 7 dive and couldn't even touch the towel on Miller's waist. I don't know what it represents, but it's hilarious.
To No. 54, you deserve better.
Find some new friends. Stop hanging out with people who can't even make a tackle as you chase after someone who doesn't care about you or your watching family members. Swinging your arms violently won't make you go any faster.
Finally, that spin itself reminds me of the greatest tweet in Twitter history:
Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon— El Perrito Gordito (@MrPhetz) December 4, 2011
That's the level of savagery on display there. Braxton Miller is Sharon.
* * *
SB Nation presents: The top stories from opening weekend