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Brady Hoke's former team scored 78 points. His current defense gave up 70.

This is The Top Whatever, Spencer Hall's weekly ranking of only the teams that must be ranked at this time.

Steve Dykes/Getty Images

1. Washington

You get points in the Top Whatever for doing things I like. For instance, if you win a game over a bitter rival by more than 40 points, like in a 70-21 win over Oregon? Points. Beat them in their own stadium? Points. Beat them so bad their ass glows and attracts a horde of bugs who believe said glowing ass is a streetlight? Many points.

It is risky to think about whether Washington is objectively one of the best teams in the nation. They have dominant wins over Stanford and Oregon, two Pac-12 teams who passed their expiration dates sometime around August 30. They struggled with Arizona on the road in a 35-28 win. You can be skeptical. It’s perfectly legal, especially if we’re talking about the eternally mutable Pac-12, where Washington State can lose to an FCS team, but then dominate two teams in conference play.

It’s also fine to note Washington is one of the few teams in 2016 to beat a national power, even one in decline, to the point of theatrical cruelty. Jake Browning had eight touchdowns in a single game, and got to do this to an Oregon defender.

P.S. Oregon needs to burn those uniforms. They’re contaminated, and no amount of bleach will help.

2. Michigan

Do not tell me we are not a nation of sadists. The minute this 78-0 win over Rutgers began to get horrendously out of hand, everyone I know sought it out over actual games that mattered. But I was watching to see the nobility of futile struggle and supporting poor Rutgers in their impossible quest to get a first down! Sure, Camus. Sure.

Rutgers finally did get a first down, and in fact got two. This is a real accomplishment: Michigan’s defense is first in the nation in total defense, dominant at pretty much every position on the field.

It’d be cruel to mention that former Michigan coach and current Oregon defensive coordinator Brady Hoke’s former team scored 78 points this weekend and that his current team allowed 70. It’d be crueler to make up a stat called The Hoke Differential and note that the variance in The Hoke Differential this weekend was 148 points. I'd never suggest doing that. Nope.

3. Alabama

Fine, they’re fine, they’re deep and excellent and still totally fine.

Do you feel disrespected by a lack of national attention, Alabama? OH HOW NOVEL. It’s your fault for being that much better than everyone, grooming Jalen Hurts so effectively at quarterback, and having Minkah Fitzpatrick play sweeper so well that you almost don’t need an offense.

If you do want some reasons for pessimism, just because you’re bored? Being good on offense against Arkansas in a 49-30 win isn’t a big reason for excitement, since the Razorbacks had allowed over 10 yards a play in a game already. Your offense outside of the Arkansas game hasn’t been that explosive, and by the numbers, the plays Alabama does allow are big ones. Disrespect yourself with these facts before someone else does, because that’s what real champions do for next-level motivational tactics.

P.S. The next two games are against Tennessee and Texas A&M, two teams with mobile quarterbacks, able-to-excellent run games, and disruptive defensive line play. Pretend you’re worried about these games, and experience the thrill of almost being a normal, vulnerable, human football fan.

4. Ohio State

The part where we say "Indiana did a pretty good job on pass defense" like that’s a thing you’ll believe. (Even though it’s totally true, and they held J.T. Barrett to 9-of-21 for 93 yards, one TD, and one INT.) The thing where we say that Ohio State is good enough to lean on the run game and their defense to win games, and that 90 percent of the time, that will be more than enough.

Where we say that Wisconsin as an upcoming matchup would be interesting, if Wisconsin didn’t have zero ability to move the ball on Ohio State’s defense?

Where we have to say how dominant Ohio State still is, even in underwhelming games played at max effort by lesser competition? And that they might owe Wisconsin a thank you note, since a 14-10 win or something like that next week might be just fine since everyone in the universe knows every Wisconsin game involves the Badgers digging trenches at the 20s and dragging the other team into a mini-Verdun? And that that’s fine, because styles make fights, and no game against Wisconsin is going to look "good" by any standard besides "Big Ten 1980?"

All that.

5. Texas A&M

As everyone surely predicted, Texas A&M is a run-first team reliant on its backs, offensive line, and timely play from its defense. You have to say "timely" this week, and not "dominant," because allowing 684 yards to Tennessee in a 45-38 OT win knocks you down to "timely." (Don’t ask for a more accurate adjective here, Texas A&M; you might get one, and really not like it.)

The Aggies were lacking a fully functional Myles Garrett on the defensive line. They also ran for 353 yards in all, and did in the run game what they did in pulling away from Arkansas: waiting, waiting, and letting QB Trevor Knight keep the ball on zone reads for critical gains. Hey, Knight gets to play Alabama in two weeks! That’s never happened before, ever.

The Aggies might be the most complete, seasoned team in the SEC West. That doesn’t mean anything when you have to play Alabama, but it’s nice when you wake up screaming while thinking about playing without a fully healthy Garrett.

6. Clemson

At Boston College, everyone looks like they’re moving at half-speed. It might be the fog, the sad lighting, the turf, or maybe just the miasma surrounding BC football.

Therefore, grade up the 56-10 score in Clemson’s blowout of the Eagles to something like 73-10, since Clemson simply would have scored more had they not had the restrictor plate/dragging anchor of Alumni Stadium. Today you learned that Boston College plays at something called "Alumni Stadium," something I totally knew before writing this, and definitely did not look up because sometimes I forget that Boston College football exists.

My favorite stat from an unremarkable slaughter? Boston College scored just 10 points and had the ball for over 38 minutes. SO MUCH ENDLESS FOOTBALL FRITTERING. The BC offense is a screensaver.

7. Tennessee

I dunno, I just want to rank you for committing seven turnovers in a game you almost won. This is not a real ranking, you didn’t see this, you’re very drunk and seeing things, and please go lie down.

8. Baylor

5-0 and wisely decided not to play football this week, meaning we can continue to postpone talking about Baylor in 2016 for another week or so.

9. Nebraska

Also wisely decided not to play football this week, meaning we can postpone the awkward conversation about whether they’re good at all.

Though I do like this as a running gag, like the new "Did you know the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals:" Please hold an "IS NEBRASKA GOOD?" sign up in the back of the next Presidential debate preview crowd, please, so we can all get tired of it, like we do with everything amusing.

10. Western Michigan

If the Big Ten wants to drop Rutgers and pick up WMU, they could probably do it this week with little complaint. P.J. Fleck’s team leads the MAC in every major category, beat NIU 45-30, and still hasn’t committed a turnover all season.

11. Boise State

The Broncos beat the titans of the Pac-12, Washington State, so they must be incredible. Shame that they only really have BYU on the schedule in terms of teams people might know about on a sort of national level, since they’re solid on both sides of the ball and trending upward after a 49-21 victory over New Mexico.

BTW: Brett Rypien played quarterback with a comfort level bordering on autopilot. Like, it was shocking how smooth he looked, especially if you flipped over from watching, oh, let’s say Boston College.

Falling out of the Week 5 Top Whatever

Houston. Not fair, after a 46-40 loss to Navy.

For one, they can claim they lost this game for the morale of our nation’s fighting men and women at sea.

Two: It was also a loss to a triple-option team, something you can point to and go, "you know, we were never good at it, right?" Defending triple-option teams are basically like any math past algebra. It’s okay that you struggle with it because no one uses it on a daily basis, almost everyone hates dealing with it when they do, and if you do like it, everyone thinks you’re weird. (Also: encountered most often at places with high admissions standards.)

Rutgers. Not that they were in the Top Whatever, but I feel like ceremonially demoting them is only appropriate after one of the worst Power 5 losses we have ever seen. Here is a sad man from Rutgers failing to appreciate anything I, you, we, or anyone has to say about his pain.

Michigan v Rutgers Photo by Michael Reaves/Getty Images