Last week on our uber professional staff conference call I said “guys, hasn’t this season been kinda boring?” It was so boring and so banal that I figured going to a wedding would be a better use of my time than watching games. Uhh, perhaps that was a mistake. But conference power rankings do not take weeks off to celebrate nuptials. The only marriage these rankings acknowledge is that of chaos and football.
No. 1: SEC (LW, 5)
Alabama is bridezilla. The Tide beat Mississippi State, 51-3, and are processing their way to the impending wedding with a playoff berth (and probably a national championship). A bridezilla does not care about your feelings, and neither does the Tide. Both are only interested in themselves and their big day, and my goodness was Saturday a big day for Jalen Hurts.
Jalen Hurts is the first player in @AlabamaFTBL history with 300 yards passing and 100 yards rushing in the same game.— ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) November 12, 2016
But It isn’t entirely Bama’s fault they're so crazy. In a sense, their wild family made ‘em this way. They have to uphold the dignity of the clan, including crazy sibling Auburn (which lost to Georgia, 13-7) who sometimes steals the thunder at national championship gatherings of their own every now and again. There’s also the entire East side of the family, and nobody wants a thing to do with any of them.
Alabama is the only top four team that kept its nose clear on a wild day. It is coming down the aisle to kiss the trophy one more time to consummate another unholy championship matrimony. Stand up, show your respect, and get the hell out of the way, or they’ll run you over too.
Other scores this week: Florida beat South Carolina, 20-7 (idk what the trophy is for the Muschamp Bowl, but let’s cook something up). Ole Miss beat Texas A&M, 29-28 (and the legend of Shea Patterson begins). LSU beat Arkansas, 38-10 (Tigers broke a golden boot off in that Hog behind). Tennessee beat Kentucky, 49-36 (Vols coulda tripped up, but held it together). Mizzou beat Vanderbilt, 26-17 (that pep talk Muschamp gave Barry Odom clearly worked).
No. 2: Big 12 (LW, 4)
Not to be like rain on your wedding day here, but the good news for the conference’s rep is no team got upset. The bad news is you didn’t have anyone high enough in the rankings for it to matter even if they did.
It’s like there was a day with multiple weddings and yours was fine and normal, but there were like three others with sick venues and live bands. They were just more interesting.
However, Oklahoma did beat Baylor, 45-24, and gave us the absolute best moment of the day.
Instead of watching replay of Seth Russell's gruesome injury… Watch this. Notice how much respect the OU stars have for this quarterback. pic.twitter.com/oIRtAIfCrz— Abigail Ogle (@KOCOAbigail) November 12, 2016
In the heat of battling an opponent, mutual respect is heartfelt and important. I loved that.
Other scores this week: Oklahoma State beat Texas Tech, 45-44 (just by the hair of their chinny-chin-chin too). West Virginia beat Texas, 24-20 (insert updated opinion about Charlie Strong’s job security). Iowa State beat Kansas, 31-24 (but this KU kick returner hiding was super fun).
No. 3: ACC (LW, 6)
Deshaun Watson: always a groomsman, but never a groom. Clemson lost to Pitt, 43-42, while your mans went 52-70 for 580 yards (an ACC record). That was impressive in a losing effort, but his three picks were not.
The real hero is Pitt kicker Chris Blewitt. His 48-yarder gave the Panthers the win.
More like Chris BlewPITT am i right? Or, maybe Chris didn’t-blow-it?
I’m so sorry.
Other scores this week: Duke beat North Carolina, 28-7 (and rang the hell out of that victory bell). Florida State beat Boston College, 45-7 (the Eagles’ offense might as well just punt on first down). Louisville beat Wake Forest, 44-12 (this escalated quickly). Georgia Tech beat Virginia Tech, 30-20 (super nerdy game here imo). NC State beat Syracuse, 35-20 (‘pack gotta get those special teams sorted out though). Miami beat Virginia, 34-14 (the Canes have now beaten three Power 5 teams).
No. 4: Big Ten (LW, 2)
Jim Harbaugh had such a lovely day planned for himself, and he even redecorated the venue to his liking.
That’s all well and good, but Michigan still lost to Iowa, 14-13. We’ve all been to a wedding where someone got too hammered and started regaling other guests with stories of the way things use to be. Well:
Cash bar next time, Hawkeyes. The open bar is too much for some to handle.
Other scores this week: Ohio State beat Maryland, 62-3 (the Buckeyes look scary lately. Too bad they probably still won’t win the conference title for a playoff resume boost). Wisconsin beat Illinois, 48-3 (Badger beatdown was run-fueled). Penn State beat Indiana, 45-31 (look at you, Nittany Lions, avoiding catastrophe and whatnot). Nebraska beat Minnesota, 24-17 (but my God was this punt bad). Northwestern beat Purdue, 45-17 (big second half for the Wildcats). Michigan State beat Rutgers, 49-0 (just wondering what Rutgers did to the whole state of Michigan).
No. 5: Pac-12 (LW, 3)
Y’all know that one friend who’s a perfectly capable dancer, but at the reception gets outshined briefly by the friend who hits the whole dance floor with the one hot move? Well, our wonderful son Adoree’ Jackson experienced something like that firsthand.
This was an unfortunate event for one of the better athletes in college football. But eventually, it was Jackson who would stop the reception in Seattle by jumping up on the DJ booth and stealing the mic. Then he proceeded to drop it all over Washington’s previously undefeated record.
USC’s 26-13 win over Washington was huge for the Trojans as they continue to improve week to week. You best believe Jackson had the moves at the afterparty, too.
Other scores this week: Utah beat Arizona State, 49-26 (Joe WIlliams: still magnificent). Colorado beat Arizona, 49-24 (uhh, the matchup against Wazzu next week is now between division leaders?). Washington State beat Cal, 56-21 (yeah, next week’s a big deal). Stanford beat Oregon, 52-27 (my Cardinal is mauling once more). UCLA beat Oregon State, 38-24 (they’ll take the W).
Best of the rest: MAC
A brief moment to acknowledge that #MACTION GETTIN’ COLLEGE GAMEDAY NEXT WEEK!!!
Scores this week: Western Michigan beat Kent State, 37-21 (and this weekend is going to be really fun). Eastern Michigan beat Ball State, 48-41 (this game was weird). Miami (OH) beat Buffalo, 35-24 (after losing five-straight, the RedHawks have won six-straight). Bowling Green beat Akron, 38-28 (MAC East division is getting fun). Toledo beat Northern Illinois, 31-24 (if not for the Broncos, the Rockets would be in a great spot to get to the conference title game).