Trump University football would get annihilated by the NCAA, but at least it'd beat Rutgers

Confrontational pumpkin Donald Trump, a failed USFL owner and 1 a.m. self-Twitter-searcher who's pretending to run for president, is in about as much hot water as he's been in for decades, thanks to Trump University, a scam that was basically Scientology without dragons.

It's currently the subject of lawsuits and so forth for being a fake school, and I can see where it all went wrong. It didn't have a football team. How can you be a real American university without a football team?

The gimmick promised incredible wealth to all who signed on and committed more and more of themselves, which sounds like an industry standard college football recruiting pitch. So, it's conceivable Trump University's team could've gathered some serious talent. Putting it near New Jersey would put it in arguably the country's most available recruiting grounds.

And my Lord, the alluring facilities. Imagine the gold-and-pearl weight room and Trump Sparkling Cider cold tubs. Such pointless opulence would sway the nation's most premium four-star recruits. The university's infamous cardboard cutout of Trump would also be a brilliant workaround, as visiting recruits would be able to meet a representation of the former WWE participant without risking being insulted by him.

The Trump University Trumps quickly racking up wins on the field isn't hard to imagine. TU's schedule would likely consist of other frauds, and ones with less money, though, of course, Baylor would be very interested in scheduling an actual make-believe college. So, 10-win seasons out of the gates? I can see it.

However, even the NCAA would eventually do something about such a flagrant non-school. Academic eligibility would be a constant problem, seeing as the entire university earned a D- from the Better Business Bureau. Even if we put Trump U on the NCAA's half-decade UNC timetable, the team would only have a few years to leave its mark before being deleted along with the rest of its institution.

Anyway, here's some college football stuff

The 25 best defenses of then and now, per the numbers. Ndamukong Suh takes a spot by himself, basically.

GOIN' OFF THE RAIIIILS LIKE A CLACY TRAEYS. All 128 head coach names as spoonerisms, ranked.

When recruits commit early and then keep taking visits to other schools, that is good.

Rich Rodriguez talks some basics of how recruiting works these days.

NFL teams are taking notice of college football's most productive QB, but WKU fans already knew.

Bill C team of the day: South Alabama, a solid startup that now faces the transition challenge.

Will Grier, the former Florida QB suspended over PEDs, reportedly has Miami, Ohio State and others as options.

A four-star QB follows Kirby Smart from Bama to Georgia, meaning ... something not good happened to Bama? I need a moment.

Something ... something else bad happened to Bama? A four-star RB who's visiting Ohio State decommitted from the Tide. Just a shame what they're doing to this program, y'all.

Hey, remember that time Bobby Petrino wrecked a motorcycle? Bret Bielema does.

"Mascots ranked from least to most nude."

Jim Harbaugh Is Weird. He clapped back with wildly disproportionate vigor to a Butch Jones tweet that I barely understand.