Last year around this time, we proposed Arkansas head coach Bret Bielema as Steve Spurrier’s followup on the SEC Media Days throne. Though nobody will ever break the Ball Coach's record for most all-time quips delivered, someone has to wear the Dr Pepper-sponsored crown.
After the Large Hog’s showing on Wednesday, there can be no more debate. Hoover has a new mayor. Consider the weight of the evidence.
On Arkansas’ sexiness:
At Arkansas we're not built very sexy. We're just kind of a work in progress. We need a lot of time in the bathroom to get ready and come out and look great. But when we do, we'll stop time.
On Arkansas’ sexiness in relation to Notre Dame's, whom Michigan broke off a series with the Razorbacks in order to play:
I understand how the Michigan-Notre Dame thing sounds sexy to everybody else, but I think Michigan and Arkansas sounds sexy. I was very excited about Big Ten versus SEC. I made a comment in the spring I'd love to see an SEC challenge at the front end. My commish gave me a josh back, said that's called a bowl game.
On the alleged planning that went into the fourth-and-25 backwards Hail Mary that helped beat Ole Miss:
The Hunter Heave, whatever you want to call it, what I got mad at, I was watching the film on Sunday, and half my guys took their headsets off. I said, What the hell? We got a play called here.
On this offseason’s assistant coaching tug-of-war with Georgia ...
Kirby, yeah, he actually called me a couple days before. First, he wanted to talk to my offensive coordinator and try to take Dan Enos, and I said, I appreciate it, but there's a thing called the SEC clause. You can't have it him. Kind of stuck my tongue out, wiggled my nose and felt good about it.
... which might’ve led to some hard feelings between Arkansas and new UGA OL coach Sam Pittman, based on how Bielema reacted in December. The latest:
As far as what Georgia is getting, you got to try to figure that out on your own.
On one of his many previous beefs with other coaches (this one was with Gus Malzahn) ...
And the part about coming to this conference that I never realized or been a part of, I remember my first year getting ready to play a game, I had an issue arise that I wasn't happy about, wasn't very excited about and thought I was in the right and I said some things to the media that kind of drew a line between me and another SEC school.
Before I got back to my office, I had a call from the Commissioner. Commissioner Slive was on the phone, who basically got after me as hard as any man has ever gotten after me, other than my father, in my life about what I just done and why I did it and why we don't do that in the SEC.
... and, shortly after he said that, he fired a subliminal at division rival Dan Mullen's current discipline predicament:
You don't have to worry whether or not I'm gonna suspend anybody for the first game. It doesn't come up in our program. Not to say it won't. At some time it may rear its ugly head.
On his suddenly famous former players:
Obviously, J.J. Watt you see him selling everything from ... I don't even know. I see all his commercials and I kind of just giggle. I was in Russell's wedding — not in the wedding, I just sat and watched. I was the guy in the eighth row in the outside seat — but there's a certain amount of value.
And, as always, a comment on the glory of the big-and-tall masculine form:
Deatrich Wise is a beautiful, 6'6, 270/280-pound defensive end.
He also might’ve revealed that Kevin Sumlin complaining about satellite camps in Texas four years ago helped give Vanderbilt’s James Franklin the idea for when Franklin became head coach at Penn State, which led to Jim Harbaugh’s circus tour. He called Sumlin "Summy" during this story.
That was just some of the material from the main room. There was plenty more.
Anything else important going on at SEC Media Days? Well, Paul Finebaum spent an hour praising himself for manufacturing some drama with Nick Saban over Alabama not suspending players who weren't charged with any crimes, so no.
Godfrey's story of how one song takes over the college football soundtrack each year is a dive into a branded and cross-branded and counter-branded world.
Did you know coaches can be ejected now? And four other rules to know, explained by a ref on our staff.
Another reason for Tennessee hype: putting this coordinator's scheme with all this grown-up talent.
Bill C team of the day: Illinois, where Lovie Smith seems like a good bet to bring some stability.
"The Plantation" is how some Colorado players refer to the school's athletics facility, because that's where largely black football and basketball teams make the money that supports largely white non-revenue teams. (This is a thing.)
PODCAST AIN'T PLAYED NOBODY debates the Big Ten's biggest sleeping giant, which was by far the longest I've ever listened to a discussion on Maryland football.
Shutdown Fullcast's reckless season preview series lumbers onward, adding Georgia, Michigan State, TCU and a couple teams I forget talking about at this time without looking it up. Gotta keep moving.
That Michigan State player who was in an altercation with the NBA's Draymond Green? He's leaving MSU.
Hi, we're keeping track of the college football stadiums in which Pokemon Go is more or less school sanctioned. Kind of a lot!
Tim Tebow is going to speak at Donald Trump's Republican convention. I need a glass of water.