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5 times Bret Bielema spoke in mildly sexual terms about college football

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Call it Five Shades of Bert.

NCAA Football: Arkansas at Mississippi State Justin Ford-USA TODAY Sports

Bret Bielema is a personality. The Arkansas head football coach has long been one of the best quotes in the sport, because he’s a freewheeling talker who doesn’t mind colorful language. Bielema doesn’t say a lot of controversial stuff, but he does speak with a prose that’s all his own. There’s no coach in the country like him.

Bielema has a particular affinity for speaking in sexual terms about various college football things. The latest example, from a Tuesday press availability at the SEC’s spring meetings in Destin, Fla.:

It appears Bielema just launched into that gorgeous, five-word riff, like it came out of thin air or something.

Here are four other times Bielema has spoken about football in what I’m going to describe as at least mildly sexual terms

“Borderline erotic”

This was Bielema in 2015, speaking of the ending to a 2014 bowl game in which Arkansas beat the pants off the Texas Longhorns:

Bielema referred to the act of kneeling down several times to close the game as “borderline erotic.” Who’s to say lots of people don’t have the same tastes?

Suggesting Arkansas was like someone getting ready for a date

At last year’s SEC Media Days:

At Arkansas we're not built very sexy. We're just kind of a work in progress. We need a lot of time in the bathroom to get ready and come out and look great. But when we do, we'll stop time.

Arkansas went 3-9 in Bielema’s first three years but has won between seven and eight games in each of the last three. So there was quick improvement but not, since then, a lot of progress. Perhaps this is like going to the bathroom, poking your head out, being told you look decent, and then heading back in for some touching up?

Longing for a Michigan-Arkansas game

Also at those media days:

I understand how the Michigan-Notre Dame thing sounds sexy to everybody else, but I think Michigan and Arkansas sounds sexy. I was very excited about Big Ten versus SEC. I made a comment in the spring I'd love to see an SEC challenge at the front end. My commish gave me a josh back, said that's called a bowl game.

I agree. Michigan-Arkansas would be hot.

Wanting the pro-style offense to get a fair shake

The spread offense is popular now, just like avocado toast and the Nintendo Switch.

Bielema just wants people to look as passionately at the pro-style scheme as they do at all of these newfangled spread looks. Is that so much to want?