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THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE, LSU prays Saban becomes ‘the Lance Armstrong of coaching’

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Your tour of the angry college football internet spends the day in Baton Rouge.

NCAA Football: Alabama at Louisiana State John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome back to THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE, your weekly submarine voyage through the lowest, angriest depths of the college football internet.

This feature is sometimes a hodgepodge of reactions from fans of different teams. Other weeks, LSU gets shut out by Alabama in the biggest game of the year.

LSU lost 29-0 to Bama, letting the Tide double up the silliest point spread in the history of college football.

The Tigers have still not scored on their own field against Bama since 2014. They have not beaten them since the first of two meetings in 2011.

LSU has a tremendous fanbase, and in my house, we respect Tigers fans. But today, it is their moment in this spotlight. In this post, we’re primarily hanging out at the always-vibrant Tiger Droppings forum.

Some LSU fans sought comfort in the knowledge that one day, Nick Saban (probably) won’t be Alabama’s coach anymore.

As one fan rationalizes it:

Shula, franchione, dubose

Y’all remember these names? Not so long ago, Bama was garbage. When Saban retires, Bama will come back down to mediocrity.

LSU’s road back to SEC West supremacy is thus cleared.

But what if Bama crashes even harder than that? This Tiger fan sees how it could happen:

Saban will be the Lance Armstrong of coaching

I’m not ancient, but I am old enough to know through life experience that things that seem too good to be true are in most cases.

I know without a doubt from multiple sources with direct knowledge that Saban bought players at LSU.

We have reason to believe in Louisiana that Saban is buying players here too.

The common retort is LSU buys players as well. Funny enough, in Lance’s day, he was the best of the cheaters. Everyone was blood doping back then, but Lance was better at it and much more vindictive at ruining those that pointed this out.

There will be a story at some point that will ultimately reveal systemmatic cheating at Bama that is unparalleled in sophistication and which likely reveals corruption at SEC and NCAA.

Saban’s legacy will be ruined, championships removed, sanctions levied. It’s gonna happen. It’ll likely change college football forever because it’ll usher in paying athletes.

It’s coming. It may not be as quickly as many would like, but it’s coming.

This LSU fan makes a strong case that LSU should forfeit its 2003 national championship.

Meanwhile, it’s obvious that Ed Orgeron must go, now that he’s failed to beat the Tide for a third consecutive year. But who should replace him?

A few people suggested Orgeron wasn’t at fault at all ...

I don’t care what anyone says…

Les Miles is still culpable for what happened last night in my humble opinion.

... but more fans than not had their anger fixed on Orgeron. All of the usual suggestions are being bandied about to replace him, or at least to take the keys to LSU’s offense:

Hugh Freeze is the solution

I don’t care what the SEC wants. LSU needs to hire Hugh Freeze to modernize our offense so we can actually compete.

Big deal, he hired a hooker. Who really cares. If we’re going to go the route of Ole Miss, we might as well go all the way and put the band back together again.

... except it can’t work, someone points out, for this obvious reason:

The only thing is the minute LSU attempts to hire Freeze Birmingham will step in because they fear it will pose a threat to Alabama. Remember Nick Saban wanted him as well and they didn’t allow him to have him. If Nick can’t get him, no one in the SEC will get him.

And, of course, we’ve reached this stage:

If u want to win and compete with bama and win ncs Lane Kiffen.

If the SEC does indeed block Freeze-to-LSU as part of a pro-Bama conspiracy (which was being aired on ESPN by one of famous LSU’s most famous fans, hours before kickoff), there’s another option the program might consider for a job of some kind.

The best guy is at home sitting on the couch.....

Art Briles

Absurd? Well, think again: The disgraced Baylor coach is already on the line, per this poster:

Just talked to a family friend of Briles...

He’s in...and has plans to utilize LSU skill players on offense. Said he can turn those 4-5 star WR’s into route running machines. Also said he will recruit a gun slinger

All Orgeron has to do is fire his good buddy ole pal Ensminger

29-0 is embarrassing

“K.... keep me posted,” someone responded. Really, any of these might work:

Lane Kiffin, Kendal Briles, Kliff Kingsbury, Hugh Freeze... one of these needs to be the new offense coordinator for LSU after the bowl game, sell recruits on a changing offense to a spread system

No QB is going to want to come to LSU with this scheme... same story different year...

Lest you think those are unrealistic ideas ...

Our best and most sober judgments and evaluations come after the first weekend in November every year

They sure do.

If none of those happen, it might be time to shoot bigger.

All kinds of fan suggestions are right here, including:

Give Jimbo two years to build his roster & they’ll be making championship runs

I’m not making fun of this at all, for the record. Jimbo Fisher’s buyout if he leaves Texas A&M is zero dollars and zero cents, so nobody should laugh at this notion.

Another idea:

So... how much do I have to spend?

Unlimited... I go get Dabo

Mid range budget- I get Brohm from Purdue

Tj Maxx (the sequel) I go get Charlie Strong or Gundy.

“Dabeaux,” someone else agreed, would be the ideal hire.

Remember: When Bama alum Dabo Swinney leaves the only program currently worse than Bama to go to LSU, the Tide will collapse. Upon Saban’s retirement.

One devastating part is that a lot of Alabama fans live in the state of Louisiana.

Louisiana Bama fans

By far the worst part of losing to these frickers year after year is hearing the constant trashing from the weak spineless tools who where born and raised in our state but latched on to the bandwagon instead of the flagship university of their home state. Morons who probably think bear bryant is kobe’s cousin. Idiots who where probably Miami or Florida state fans back when Bama sucked. I for one can’t wait till we beat those pompous assess again whether it’s next year or in 2050

This type of Bama fan raises an important question:

I can understand why a La born and raised baw would jump on the Alabama football wagon and wear Bama gear around town.

BUT, I can’t understand why they would want to taunt their own LSU-fan neighbors and friends. I mean, you have to live around the LSU fans, why taunt and antagonize them?

Yeah. I wonder why.

Even the hot dogs at Tiger Stadium were a significant problem.

What’s going to change with concessions soon?

Something has to be done.

Out of hot dogs and burgers at half time with two shite sausages left. (Which I’m sure we’re gone 3 minutes after I left)

It’s an absolute joke.

If you aren’t going to be able to feed us, then let people take in as much fricking food as they want.

Alabama fans were like fish out of water in this environment:

I’ve never seen anything like it. Bama fans were constantly going back and forth to concession stands in east upper. It’s like they have never had nachos or hot dogs before. It was weird for sure

One fan sought to get over the loss, with, uh ...

Deer antler spray

Where can I get some? Because I wanna work it like a 300lb bar of soap

Either my editor will explain this reference to me, or it will make it into the final draft of this post and one of you will. Whatever works. [Editor’s note: this website has literally sent a Bama fan to buy deer antler spray before. I do not wish to comment on the large soap.]

As usually happens when a team loses a game of this magnitude, LSU fans on message boards were turning against each other in the aftermath.

This MILLENNIAL ENTITLEMENT and the thirst for INSTANT GRATIFICATION have poisoned the minds of LSU fans who don’t like losing to their rival eight times in a row.

MELTING

This forum is a disgrace. You pathetic fans are pious dicks.

This can still be a good season. There is not one of you that thought we’d be sitting where we are right now.

Now, run along to the drive through where you can get your instant gratification.

These SNOWFLAKES:

Entitlement

...has permeated the fanbase.

Downvote away girls.

Why, oh why, would LSU fans not be cool with this game’s result?

Sorry if I feel entitled for wanting 1 damn point of offense in two back-to-back losses when we have had Leonard Fournette, Derrius Guice, D. Williams, DJ Chark, Malachi Dupree, Travon Dural, Russel Gage, the two 5-star WRs we have this year, Ethan Pocic and Will Clapp.

Oh, right. That is why.

Here’s one way to get over losing to Bama: Just stop caring about it.

Just wave the white flag! It’s easier that way. A commenter at And The Valley Shook says:

It’s time to stop treating this game like the Super Bowl and our entire season

Nobody is challenging Alabama. Not until something changes, with Saban leaving or some sort of investigation or something.

We don’t have the players to compete. Everyone is lining up to take shots at the coaches but the players fail too. We simply aren’t good enough to compete with them and won’t be without major changes to our entire program, like a willingness to do whatever it takes to get the best players.

I don’t even care about this game anymore. Just take our loss and move on. We can have a hell of a good/fun season going 10-2 or 11-1 and going to a great bowl game.

Life is too short to let Alabama define your college football viewing experience. I urge LSU fans to treat the Peach Bowl as the national title, root for UAB, or figure something else out.