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THANK THE GOOD LORD ABOVE! LARRY CULPEPPER IS RETIRING!

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WE’RE FREE!

Dr Pepper - 2016 College Football Roadshow - AdvoCareClassic Photo by Peter Larsen/Getty Images for Dr Pepper

The best college football news of the year:

Larry Culpepper, a corporate mascot who ran his course about 13 minutes after first being trotted out in 2014, is no more, according to a report out of Nebraska, from where the actor who portrays him hails.

How well you receive this news depends on two things, based on a review of social media reactions: 1. Whether you’re also from Nebraska, and 2. How much college football you watch, which translates to how much Culpepper you’ve had to watch during the last four years.

The following people, like me and probably you, watch a shitload of college football:

Some people are sad about Culpepper’s exit, which I can’t begin to comprehend.

As far as Connor goes, you should know this:

He’s an actual actor who was in tons of movies and shows you’ve seen! Parks and Rec! A Will Ferrell movie! A Jack Nicholson movie! And so forth! He’s doing great, and now the rest of us are as well.

Thank you, Larry, for all you’ve done today.