SEC quarterback names tend to have a certain Southern je ne sais quoi. There’s a theory popularized by the gentlemen of the Shutdown Fullcast podcast that the perfect SEC QB name is a first/last name combo that is completely interchangeable. For example, former Georgia QB Hutson Mason could’ve easily been Mason Hutson.
But we can take it a step further. Some QB names work, as you’ll see from our list of only the most SEC names from among 2018’s SEC QBs, but others need improvement. For that, I needed Fullcast co-host Ryan Nanni’s expertise.
The perfect football name, regardless of conference
Rip Kirk — Mississippi State: Rip Kirk becomes Kirk Rip. Bonus: RIP on the back of a football jersey is extremely badass.
Don’t fit the first/last rule, but still SEC-ass names
Let’s get the good ones out of the way first. All of these just work.
- Emory Jones — Florida: This name isn’t perfectly SEC, but he goes to Florida. That’s the school that so badly wishes it was Old South but, well, it’s in Florida.
- Mason Wood — Georgia: Does it get more Georgia than a young man with a last name that is also a golf club?
- Walker Wood — Kentucky: Does it get more Kentucky than a young man with a first name that is also a whiskey brand? (Yes, it’s not from Kentucky, but still.)
- Bo Schneider — Texas A&M: You have to have a Bo around to keep up appearances.
- John Stephen Jones — Arkansas: We are convinced John Stephen Jones has been called “John Stephen” by his grandmother — wife of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones — for his entire life.
- JT Shrout — Tennessee: We hope either his legal name is literally “JT,” or “JT” stands for something totally unrelated to his legal name.
- Lowell Narcisse has the perfect LSU quarterback name because it appears on a list of LSU quarterbacks who have transferred out. It’s also very French, which is Louisiana-appropriate.
The names that might be a little too SEC
- Corbett Glick — South Carolina: Corbett Glick is great, but imagine going by “Larry Glick.” Is Corbett Glick’s first or middle name Lawrence? Doesn’t matter. In the SEC, anyone can become a Larry. It’s the online marketing degree of first names.
Should football not work out for Larry, an online marketing degree will serve him well if he were to end up working in insurance, because every Southern man works in insurance at some point.
- Cord Sandberg — Auburn: Cord William Sandberg should go by Bill, but not until he’s at least 32 with multiple kids. Bill Sandberg a steady name. A Rotary Club name. A nine holes before church name. A belt with some shotgun shells on it or a Golden Retriever name.
These names are tremendously SEC, but it’s always good to have options.
- Allan Todd Walters Jr. — Vanderbilt: That sounds like a NASCAR driver, which is obviously SEC, but not really Vandy’s kind of SEC. He could just go by Chip Walters. Using Chip/Skip/Tripp whenever possible should just be an SEC bylaw at this point.
- Braxton Barker — Alabama: For Braxton Barker, let’s recommend Champ Barker as an option. This is also father-based, which is quite Souther. If your dad won a national title for an SEC team — as Braxton’s dad, Jay, did for the Tide — he gets to name at least one of his children Champ or King or Conquistador.
- Jake VanRonzelen — Ole Miss: Jake is a fine name, but Fromm and Bentley have that covered for the conference, so we have the wiggle room. Here, we’re imagining a fiction in which 1) VanRonzelen’s parents were huge Tennessee fans 2) and named him after Heath Shuler 3) but he didn’t go to Knoxville. All of that is very SEC.
- Jack Lowary — Missouri: Jack Lowary could consider upgrading to Jackson Lowary. See, this doesn’t have to be drastic.
So what’s in a name?
A name can convey SEC-ness in general, or show a vision of the future. Some may be more SEC than others, but there is room for all in God’s conference.