To do exactly what the Warriors have done to basketball, we’re going to start with the team already closest in college football.
Actually, until the Warriors win five out of 10 titles, it will technically be Golden State doing the Alabama thing, not Alabama doing the Golden State thing.
But we can still make Bama far more obnoxious by stealing the best things about other teams and adding them to what was already the most loaded program, just as Golden State has done.
So here’s all the stuff that now belongs to Alabama. (In many of the following categories, Bama already is the best team, so we might or might not choose to just leave something as is.)
Alabama’s new head coach: Still just Nick Saban, but with a clone understudy
Once, Saban’s dad took him down to a coal mine to show him what happens to kids who don’t work hard in school. No, really. Is your coach motivated to this day by the horrors of a life spent in the mines of West Virginia?
The resume is filled with accomplishments beyond just the national titles. Saban worked with Lane Kiffin
happily effectively for years. He has Bill Belichick’s private number. Other coaches are measured by who has the least-losingest record against him. For fun, he destroys every coach in his conference and then hires them as assistants.
How can we possibly improve Alabama’s coaching situation?
Simply begin cloning Saban. No team can afford to take its foot off the gas for a second. What better way to keep Alabama ahead than by making sure that foot is the same (slightly undersized) foot forever?
Alabama’s new scenic backdrop: BYU’s and Tennessee’s combined
We’re going to have the boosters relocate the Wasatch Range to Tuscaloosa. Then, we’ll reroute the Tennessee River to make our stadium the only one with both scenic mountains and its own deepwater-vessel-navigable river.
Vol Navy, you’ve been conscripted by the worst overlords possible. This might sound like yet another defeat at the hands of the Tide, but consider your new life. Now you can watch a team with a 50 percent chance of winning each title, rather than a 50 percent chance of missing bowl season.
Alabama’s new offensive coordinator: Lincoln Riley
He’s a head coach somewhere else, you say? Not for $8 mil a year he’s not. Poach him to run Alabama’s attack, which accomplishes three goals at once:
- Scoring a lot of points.
- Entertaining everyone.
- Irritating Saban by having too many points in a football game.
Alabama’s new arena: Tiger Stadium, LSU
Big ol’ concrete reverb machine from hell. Gigantic subwoofers. Classic coliseum looks to go with old-school, H-style goalposts. Pressbox can drop the top and open the windows when the weather is nice. Seats an intimate, cozy-ish 100,000, if that makes any sense. Doesn’t have the biggest video board, but there’s a solution in this list. Comes with free live tiger.
Bama’s gonna put Death Valley on a trailer and take it a little ways up the road. Bryant-Denny will be the backup stadium, because a Saban team is prepared for anything, including a situation requiring a backup stadium. Maybe store all those trophies in it.
Alabama’s new defensive coordinator: Kirby Smart
Saban is a sneaky bargain as a head coach. Whoever gets the title of defensive coordinator is just a robot programmed by Saban anyway. Twice the Saban at the same price? That’s affordable luxury, y’all.
Failing that, if we have to answer the question for real? Well, if Alabama is the Borg and has made Lincoln Riley OC despite him being head coach at Oklahoma right now, then find the price that works for Georgia head coach Kirby Smart. His keys probably still work, since he was Bama’s coordinator until 2016.
Alabama’s new fight song: USC’s “Tribute to Troy”
Step back, pedantic types. Yes, this is not even USC’s official fight song.
That said, a great fight song not only sounds like a gladiator’s walkout music, but also burrows into the skulls of the opposition like a hungry brainworm. And this, more than any other piece of college football music, is that.
Best on its 35th or 36th repetition, so play it frequently. Too frequently to be reasonable, even.
Alabama’s new defensive line: Clemson’s
It’s really not fair when a college line has one elite player. Clemson has four of them, all healthy and peaking at the same time. One played safety in the spring game for fun! Effectively! Good luck, and bring snacks!
Alabama’s new secondary: Washington’s
Returns every starter from the Pac-12’s top defense. Has experience defending passes frequently, unlike SEC secondaries.
Administration: Still Alabama’s
In a 2013 interview, University of Alabama Chancellor Robert Witt said, ”Nick Saban is the best financial investment this university has ever made.” That was five years ago, and Saban makes even more money and has even more resources than he did then — and he was already making $5.6 million, with the largest support staff in college football.
Alabama’s administrators are going to pay someone whatever they need in order to win. Might as well be you.
Alabama’s new entrance: Clemson’s
We’re already rerouting the Tennessee River and trucking an entire mountain range in from Utah. In comparison, a few tons of dirt and some sod doesn’t seem like too much.
Be sure to drag it out as long as possible by busing the players around the stadium before they trot down the hill. It ramps up the anticipation and shows you’ll pay to rent buses just to go an eighth of a mile.
Exclusive rights to celebrity fandom: Drake
Stop wandering, Aubrey, and settle down with one winner: Bama.
Boosters: Alabama, still
They pay up without messing around, and that’s what gives them the edge over somewhere like, say, Texas. (Where boosters might write bigger checks, but also want to be petted and listened to because: rich dude stuff.)
Alabama boosters paid off Saban’s $3.1 million house and pay the taxes on it every year. Win, and they will set up whatever you need. Hell, lose, and they’ll write the buyout check with a quickness.
Alabama’s new offensive line: Wisconsin’s
There are two massive things I’ve always wanted. One is a huge, impractical, gas-guzzling, and unkillable Land Cruiser. The second is a Badgers offensive line.
There might be more critically acclaimed and efficient units, yes, but are they as cool? Do they make the same THUD when they smash into something? Are they as fantastically heavy? They could not be. There are no substitutes for a perfect blunt object moving at speed.
Alabama’s new uniforms: Oregon’s, but just for safe-keeping
Every last variation. Just taking them wholesale, because we do not want you to have them, Oregon.
Is Bama going to wear them? Let’s answer a question with a question.
Have you seen how those things do in a national championship game?
No, no we aren’t going to wear them, ever.
Alabama’s new video board: The Auburn JesusTron 5000
We’re going to steal Auburn’s 190’ x 57’ flatscreen and duct tape it over LSU’s scoreboard. The heat might set the stadium on fire, but that would only add to the atmosphere of a night game in Tuscaloosa’s historic Tiger Stadium. Also, Bama recruits will play Fortnite on it.
Alabama’s new linebackers: Michigan’s
Devin Bush might be worth the pick of the entire unit by himself. Then again, the Wolverines also have a very good linebacker-turned-DE named “Chase,” which is like having a punter named “Boot.”
Alabama’s new tradition: Dotting the I
“Alabama” doesn’t have an “I” in it, so I’m only taking this to make Ohio State mad.
Alabama’s new local burger chain: Whataburger
The burger needs to be big like a Hardees burger, but definitely not served at a Hardees. It needs to be consistent like an In-N-Out burger, but not confuse drunken tastebuds with too many obviously fresh ingredients and lackluster french fries. It needs to be as deliciously hefty as a Five Guys burger, but not overpriced.
The chain at the center of these overlapping circles is Texas’ finest. Throw in the hangover-killing, shovel-sized breakfasts, and this is a no-brainer. Like a three-star center who turns out to be a four-year starter, it’s big, cheap, consistent, and makes no promises it can’t keep.
Running backs: Just Alabama’s
Damien Harris might be the best back in America. None of us will ever know this for sure, because Alabama’s depth chart is always so deep that he’ll get like 10 carries a game while Najee Harris and whichever other hellbeasts soak up carefully rationed reps.
Alabama’s new Twitter army: UCF’s
There are only seven of them on the internet at any given hour. After claiming a national title, though, all seven stayed awake for six months straight, boldly defending UCF online and antagonizing the Tide.
The posting power of a legion of thousands, at a fraction of the cost? Willing to take on college football’s largest fanbases? A commitment to never, ever logging off?
That’s who you want: a guy in Lakeland with an unlimited data plan, two backup batteries for his cellphone, and a 450-page manifesto about how ESPN has conspired for 30 years to keep Orlando from greatness.
Alabama’s new receivers: Ole Miss’
Not trying to spread the ball around at Alabama. I just like productive receivers who are used to getting mugged at the line. That’s A.J. Brown. The Rebs get bonus points for having a big, headband-wearing tight end from a private high school named “Dawson Knox.”
Talk radio: Alabama’s, as it is
What you want is a focus on college football so complete it eclipses everything else. This is Alabama talk radio, where even political tangents are only permissible if they somehow lead back to football.
“Paul, have we considered how a more restrictive immigration policy is going to affect recruiting? Just a thought, since we get our QBs from Hawaii now.”*
*No, this is not an exaggeration about an Alabama fan not knowing Hawaii is part of the United States. He felt real bad about it.
Alabama’s new mascot: The Duck
No other symbol of a university straddles the line between absurdity, comedy, and terror better than The Duck.
Quarterbacks: Alabama’s, yes
Jalen Hurts and Tua Tagovailoa have had the kind of QB controversy capable of destroying most teams. Most teams are not the Tide, who will come out stronger somehow, win the national title, and claim they learned a lot from the experience.
Tagovailoa is a title-winner. Hurts has a 26-2 record. Perfectly normal.
Alabama’s new special teams: Kansas State’s
Special teams are annuities, so the obvious pick is a Bill Snyder team. It’s not that the Wildcats are always in the top five. It’s that over the lifespan of the investment, Kansas State consistently lands in the top quartile in all the little things, like extra points, kickoff returns, and punting.
And also field goal kicking — literally the only on-field improvement that Alabama actually needs.
Alabama’s new postgame tradition: Clemson’s
We’ll steal Clemson’s tradition of storming the field after every win, but with a few slight alterations. We’ll change “the field” to “University Boulevard to beat traffic,” and by “every win,” we mean “every second quarter with a 38-9 lead.” We already do all that, but now at least Clemson can’t embarrass itself by having fun in public.