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THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE, a Michigan Man’s 1,600-word thesis links the Wolverines to the decline of the Midwest

Plus: Miami fans tell it very much how it is. Maryland works with Big 12 refs to screw Texas. Would Belichick replace Herman? Braylon Edwards tweets through the pain, and FSU fans show the new coach all the patience he could ask for.

NCAA Football: Michigan at Notre Dame Matt Cashore-USA TODAY Sports

THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE is back for 2018. Welcome to your weekly trip around the angriest corners of the college football internet.

Normally, these pages will focus primarily on one team’s scorned fans, with a few side dishes from elsewhere. But Week 1 brought losses from a large handful of the sport’s legacy programs, and at SB Nation College Football, we go where the story takes us.

Let’s begin our journey.

No. 14 Michigan (lost to No. 12 Notre Dame, 24-17)

We start, as we always do when Michigan is featured in these pages, at the MGoBoard, the Wolverines’ largest internet water cooler.

Do you want to read a 1,600-word opus titled “Quantitative demographic data and qualitative cultural commentary” that is actually about how Michigan football is no longer elite? Yes, you do.

That is here, by poster therockman.

It begins, “Michigan football has not been competing at a high level since 2006,” which excludes the time two years ago when Michigan was No. 3 and a couple of millimeters away from the Big Ten Championship.

Between 1980 and today, the population of the state of Michigan grew by less than 10%. The national average during that time is almost 50%. I don’t need to belabor this point; we all know why this happened. And the region of the state most likely to produce excellent football players (metro Detroit) has been hit hardest, demography-wise. Ohio experienced similar demographic trends, but the South, Texas/Oklahoma, the Southwest, and the West have all had higher population growth rates. The end result relevant to Michigan football is relatively fewer and fewer high school football players in the state of Michigan compared to the rest of the country. Michigan football is starting with shittier and shittier odds year after year that a Michigan kid will become a very good or great football player and put on a Winged Helmet.

This also explains why Ohio State has struggled to recruit well.

It goes on:

Michigan’s winters probably even play a minor role in our ability to recruit nationally, too. After I graduated from UM, I went to UW. Madison is colder than Ann Arbor, but winters in Wisconsin are better than eastern Michigan because the sun isn’t concealed by an impenetrable layer of suicide gray clouds from November through April. For every Florida kid like Denard and California kid like Brady who are willing to brave the Michigan winter, how many kids from states with nicer winters visit Ann Arbor and come away thinking ‘everything was great but the weather?’ Michigan kids are used to it, but Michigan doesn’t produce that many great high school football players. Not surprising that many of our more recent standouts are from Jersey, where winters are also terrible.

Michigan having to recruit players willing to live in cold weather is new.

So where do we go from here? First, accept that Michigan football is not an elite football program, if you haven’t already. Second, accept that Michigan football is highly unlikely to ever be an elite football program again. Third, look at the rise of Wisconsin and Michigan State. Both focused on two things: beating their primary rival and more importantly, developing three and four star recruits. Harbaugh has not demonstrated the willingness or ability to do either of these things. Ohio State is no longer our main rival – Michigan State is now our primary rival because they steal the state’s 4 star recruits from us, and we are losing that rivalry. We’re 2-8 against MSU in the last decade. That’s bad!

And that’s that: Michigan football will never be elite again.

Interjection: Braylon Edwards will not log off.

Jim Harbaugh got mad about that deleted tweet, so Edwards is now suspended from his Big Ten Network job and formally at BEEFCON 1 with the program he used to play for.

Elsewhere, here’s some anger at Jim Harbaugh’s general attitude:

I don’t want anyone but Harbaugh, but his attitude sucks.

Clapping on sideline after we go down 14-0 is absurd. Reminds me of Hoke.

One poster says:

That was some of the worst click management I’ve ever seen.

Seriously if Harbaugh is such a genius, what the fuck was that?

And a helpful commenter responds:

If you want bad click management, we click trained our dog but we did it with diced hot dogs and now we have to keep buying fucking hot dogs to reinforce good behaviors on walks.

One person asks:

What is wrong with this entire program?

We have been laying eggs for literally decades in big games. MSU gets better results than us with lower rated recruits. So does Wisconsin.

I’m on a small vacation right now, and I wonder why I’ve wasted the last few hours watching this. I used to be the biggest Michigan fan anyone knew as a kid, but I’m now 24 as of 3 days ago, and I haven’t seen us do shit since I was 10. Even that year we lost to a 6-4 OSU and Notre Dame coached by Charlie Weis.

I’ve been texting back and forth with my uncle who has had season tickets since the 70s, he says this is the last year for tickets and I don’t really blame him. This stuff is too predictable and I don’t get that many free Saturday’s anymore with my job.

On the other hand, at least someone’s found reason for optimism:

We would have destroyed App State, Utah State, and Oregon State. Our conference looks beatable.

This loss means very little in the scheme of things.

No. 8 Miami (lost to No. 25 LSU, 33-17)

After surviving a decade of Randy Shannon and Al Golden, this message board poster declared Miami football dead. The cause? A loss to a top-25 team in the first game following a 10-win season.

Miami football is dead

It was a good run fellas, but this program is dead.

This poster is infuriated and ready to act about the presence of Mark Richt’s son, Jon, on staff as the Canes’ QBs coach:


I feel violated that junior is on the staff. He clearly sucks at his job.

... I have not paid tuition in decades and don’t donate a lot, but I still feel like this guy is stealing from me.I have sent 2 emails this morning to friends of mine on the board to see if they can fire him.Nepotism sucks and it’s hurting our team. Does anybody think that this kid with no credentials could possibly do a better job then Dorsey?I’m sick to my stomach about this.

“Why didn’t we hire Orgeron?” another thread posited. Someone responded:

Go play in traffic.

To which the original poster replied:

You go play in traffic. Coach O --W, Coach R -- L

At 247Sports, one person with an enticing Mark Richt press conference offer to media:

I will legit get a go fund me and get up to $5k for the person that calls him out to his face in a presser. I legit don’t think the guy has a clue right now his play calling is bad. He needs to be publicly called out.

But in Miami’s fanbase, the real ground zero is Twitter.

After any tweet sent by the Canes’ official account during and after the loss, you’d find people letting these social media managers have it.

Let’s follow along throughout the game. Notice how the tenor changes as we go.

No. 23 Texas (lost to Maryland, 34-29)

TEXAS IS BACK to not being back, following its fourth consecutive loss while playing as a ranked team, and the second in two years at the hands of scandal-mired Maryland.

Now that Texas is going to have to fire Tom Herman in the second year of his five-year, $28.75 million deal, let’s zero in on some realistic replacements.

One message board poster’s idea:

10 year 100 million NFL coach

Since Jimbo got a 10 year 75 million dollar contract and Gruden got a 10 year 100 million dollar contract. I believe Texas can afford to throw the bank at someone. Which NFL coach would you like to see get the job?

Nick Saban isn’t coming.

Could we possibly land

Bill Belicheck (Could leave because of drama with Patriots)
Sean Payton (Was my position coach at Indiana State and would be great for recruiting)
Pete Carroll (The energy around the program would be at an all-time high)
Mike Tomlin (Would be great for recruiting and setting a standard)
Andy Reid (Offense would for sure be a strong point)
Sean McVay (Offensive mastermind and just get an awesome DC)

Perhaps a simpler option:

Charlie Strong

Should have never been fired. Yes I said it.

The reasoning? Losing to Maryland twice isn’t any better than losing to Kansas.

I swear Maryland is not a better loss than Kansas two years in a row. At least Kansas only got us once. Herman and his arrogance not calling plays and having a decent offense is totally on him. Charlie wasn’t def not any better

I usually make jokes in this space, but I don’t really have a strong counterargument.

But this fan might be getting a bit ahead of himself, comparing Texas to a program that won more games in 2017 and hasn’t lost in 2018:

We’ve become Iowa State

At what point do we stop expecting to get back to 2004-2010? At a certain point do we need to begin expecting Iowa State, Kansas State, Texas Tech kind of seasons? 7-6 is acceptable. 8-5 is a really good season. 9-4 is a once in a decade kind of thing.

Is this something we all need to come to a realization about?

Maybe by 2019, if the Longhorns play their cards right.

A Redditor looked for other ways to spend time:

What are some obscure Texas Longhorn sports we’re really good at? Preferably something that runs concurrent to football season. I want to utilize my positive energy for something worthwhile, at least until the Football team gets it together.

Was Maryland in cahoots with the game’s Big 12 officiating crew, conspiring to keep Texas down?

(Maryland was the home team, so yeah, probably.)

One guy was angry that the refs didn’t penalize Maryland true freshman Jeshaun Jones for looking at a Texas player while he scored a touchdown.

WOW!!?? Bad call by the refs in the Texas vs Maryland game....Maryland player Jones clearly showing disrespect by...

Posted by Jonathan Wittmis on Saturday, September 1, 2018

During the game, these were the subjects of various threads over at Orangebloods, the biggest UT board:

All was well.

No. 19 Florida State (lost to No. 20 Virginia Tech, 24-3)

At 8:16 p.m. ET, about 10 minutes of real-life time into Willie Taggart’s first game leading the program, it began:

Things got serious, and they got serious quickly.

Business really picked up after FSU fumbled inside the Virginia Tech red zone in the fourth quarter.

Some longed for the lover that recently left them.

But Noles fans are a reasonable people. They wouldn’t rush into something like this.

At least it’s been carefully considered.