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Flights of fantasy (football): The thoughts I thought

Here, we delve into the mind of one who watches games. Insights! Analysis! Bad jokes!

Al Messerschmidt

I have thoughts. Some of them are dumb thoughts, but maybe some of them aren't! But they are all thoughts. While watching the early games Sunday, I wrote down my thoughts. Because I'm a nerd!

Anyway, these were the thoughts I had. They are probably worth reading. Judge for yourself.

12:53 p.m. - Local telecast just took us to the Jaguars game some reason. If I paused the TV, I might be able to get an accurate attendance count. Lotta empty seats.

12:54 p.m. - Wait, Marcedes Lewis is active? (a) I didn't really realize he hadn't been active. (b) I didn't really realize he was back. Doesn't say a lot for Marcedes' fantasy relevance, I suppose.

1:03 p.m. - Watching the games with my brother today. He is the most schizophrenic remote controller ever. He'll switch channels while a pass is in the air. It's helpful for seeing a lot of games on one TV, but man is it confusing sometimes. Maybe Geno Smith will pass the ball to Vincent Jackson or something.

1:04 p.m. - He's also a Jets fan. Basically, my brother is bad at being a football fan.

1:05 p.m. - I also have the Yahoo StatTracker up on my computer screen, despite it confusing me so drastically a week ago. But the green "someone scored a touchdown" line showing up within five minutes is interesting. And now Carolina and Buffalo both have defensive TDs. Quick.

1:06 p.m. - We're on Falcons and Bucs. I'm really curious if Harry Douglas can...nope, my brother changed it back to Patriots-Jets. Regardless, I am intrigued by Douglas.

1:07 p.m. - So it's seven minutes into the day, and there have been three defensive touchdowns. Fantasy football! Where defenses apparently do things!

1:11 p.m. - My brother waves his child's toys for Jets touchdowns. Or his dog's chew toys, I don't really know. Either way, the Jets just had a touchdown on a drive carried by Chris Ivory and Jeremy Kerley. That's...exactly what Bilal Powell owners expected.

1:13 p.m. - 82-yard touchdown to A.J. Green. I kind of want to just save a macro that says "XX-yard touchdown to A.J. Green" and fill in the yardage. It would get a lot of use.

1:17 p.m. - Just spilled a Coke in my lap. Wasn't even celebrating anything. Now my pants will be sticky all day for nothing.

1:21 p.m. - Marcedes Lewis just caught a pass and knocked people down and looks enormous and now I feel bad for making fun of him.

1:22 p.m. - Gronk for a 30-yard gain. If he can be Gronk, that changes a lot about the season. Yo soy fiesta.

1:24 p.m. - The Bears are the most end-around-running team, other than maybe Green Bay. I'm not saying you should use Alshon Jeffery in fantasy because of his rushing yards, but it's a nice occasional perk.

1;26 p.m. - There's only one scoreless game left, 20 minutes into the games, and it's Dallas-Philly. Just like everyone predicted...?

1:28 p.m. - My brother is a savant when it comes to channel numbers. He doesn't use the guide, or the channel recall, or the up-down buttons. He just decides he's switching to, I don't know, Cowboys-Eagles and puts in the channel number. I feel like he studies on Saturday nights.

1:29 p.m. - The fact that I'm devoting any time to a Falcons-Buccaneers (combined record: 1-10) game just to see what Harry Douglas and Doug Martin do is both the best and worst thing about fantasy football.

1:30 p.m. - Brandon Pettigrew sighting. And now he returns to witness protection until Week 3 of next year.

1:31 p.m. - Matt Forte just jumped over a whole group of dudes for the touchdown. Every year, he's ranked in the teens among running backs in preseason, and most years, he provides better value coming back. When do we realize Matt Forte is always good?

1:33 p.m. - Geno Smith just threw a pick-six that I could have intercepted. That was hideous. That was Sanchez-esque. That was...holy cow.

1:34 p.m. - "We'll never know if somehow, some way, we can affect the outcome of the game." Yes, Bud Light, we do know. We can't. We are on the couch.

1:35 p.m. - Dallas-Philly? Still scoreless. SHOOTOUT, Y'ALL!

1:37 p.m. - Wait, my brother let me see a commercial? Is he sick? I'm worried about him.

1:38 p.m. - Where did the name "Hightower" come from? Why did someone feel the need to point out that a tower is high? If a tower isn't high, isn't it just a...lean-to, or something? I'm going to start calling all people named "Hightower" just "Tower."

1:40 p.m. - First pee break of the day. Always an emotional moment.

1:44 p.m. - End of the first quarter in Philly, Cowboys-Eagles still scoreless. Shootout with blanks.

1:45 p.m. - The Jets seem bound and determined to have Josh Cribbs and the wildcat be a thing. Could result in value later. Or they give up on it soon, because it's been a waste so far.

1:48 p.m. - Roy Helu with a 14-yard touchdown, just to troll all fantasy owners.

1:50 p.m. - Crazy touchdown catch for Vincent Jackson. 59 yards. One hand. Everyone involved seemed shocked he caught it.

1:55 p.m. - The fact that Heath (my brother) owns Justin Blackmon in a couple leagues means I am seeing WAY too much Jaguars football today.

1:59 p.m. - If Jacksonville can score here (they're in the red zone), literally every team will have scored points except for both Dallas AND Philadelphia. Weird. Weird weird.

2:05 p.m. - Falcons have a ten-point lead. Dallas-Philly still scoreless. Pats-Jets with a lot of points. Defenses really involved in Chicago-Washington. No one knows anything.

2:08 p.m. - Josh McCown in for the Bears, and immediately makes a dicey run-and-dive for yards. Because that was worth the risk? I could not possibly name the Bears' third-stringer.

2:11 p.m. - Oh, by the way, my fantasy kicker? Dan Bailey. In case you were wondering why Dallas-Philadelphia is STILL SCORELESS.

2:13 p.m. - Harry Douglas touchdown. On one team, I'm starting him and Jacquizz Rodgers, thanks to Steven Jackson and Roddy White injuries. They've combined for 45.7 points so far. Um...wow?

2:21 p.m. - I used Jordan Reed as an example of a tight end I'd definitively start Gronk over earlier today. He's at 84 receiving yards in the first half. Even my jokes are failures.

2:34 p.m. - I was writing actual writing-stuff for 13 minutes. In the meantime...nothing really happened. Philadelphia is going to go to halftime scoreless.

2:35 p.m. - Jordan Reed touchdown. My brother is still making fun of me, but I did hype him in The Ticker this week, so I still look sorta smart.

2:38 p.m. -  As they said on the telecast, "Jay Cutler has a groin and is questionable." BREAKING: Jay Cutler has a groin (The word "injury" is so helpful there. Everyone has a hamstring. Not everyone has a hamstring injury. I've never gotten that shorthand).

2:48 p.m. - My brother was so sure Doug Martin was going to score a touchdown just now that he celebrated it when the ball was still in the air. For a second, it looked like he was right. Instead, Martin didn't catch the ball and he looks to be really hurt. So...that was something.

2:53 p.m. - Yahoo's StatTracker highlights it when your player's team is in the red zone. That's nice and all, but when it's Doug Martin in the red zone, and I know he's already off the field? That's just mean. It's like a tease. It's the fantasy football equivalent of seeing pixelated porn in your hotel room on your first post-puberty vacation.

2:58 p.m. - The Eagles still haven't scored. That is all.

3:04 p.m. - My brother just yelled smack talk at a security guard on the sidelines who got knocked down. Because my brother is normal, y'all.

3:14 p.m. - There's a very real chance that, in my primary fantasy league, I'm going to fall to 1-6 today. My running backs are Ray Rice and Doug Martin. My quarterback is Aaron Rodgers. If I had told you all this two months ago, you would have assumed I was starting no wide receivers at all, not guys like Josh Gordon and T.Y. Hilton.

3:17 p.m. - The fact that Philadelphia is still scoreless really makes me and my "Don't start Nick Foles; the Dallas defense is actually good" point look good.

3:20 p.m. - Heath just accidentally took a detour to a home shopping channel. He is fallible!

3:27 p.m. - I think I should quit fantasy. Open up a shop that specializes in personalized sarcastic comments. Something I'm actually good at (My team has yet to crack the 20-point barrier).

3:32 p.m. - I'm over 20! It's 3:30 on Sunday and I've broken 20 points! This is the saddest thing that's ever ended with an exclamation point!

3:35 p.m. - And within minutes, my opponent gets a touchdown from Calvin Johnson to put me behind by even more. I wanna go home.

3:36 p.m. - Did I mention I also have Doug Martin, and he's hurt?

3:39 p.m. - My brother just celebrated a Stephen Hill touchdown so loudly that he scared his daughter, then the touchdown got called back. Not his best moment.

3:42 p.m. - I'm pretty sure Philadelphia has been in the Dallas red zone for 30 minutes. And it's 4th and goal from the 13. No idea. None. On the other hand, it's the start of the fourth quarter, and Philadelphia is still scoreless.

3:45 p.m. - The Eagles scored! They scored! Our long national nightmare is over!

3:57 p.m. - And now I have actual work to do. Lessons learned in today's games: My brother is a remote-control savant. All "Hightowers" are now "Towers." I should only write about fantasy and not actually play it. If they say it's a shootout, it's a tight game. If they say it's a tight game, it's a shootout. HARRY DOUGLAS AND JACQUIZZ RODGERS. Bye-bye.

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