I have exciting news, Internet. I have been selected by the Augusta National Golf Club to cater Adam Scott's Champions Dinner! You may be in shock or disbelief, as my previous history of creating memorable meals has lead to toxic waste accusations, lawsuits, and unrefunded apartment security deposits. Still, my bid of an entire banquet meal for a couple hundred people came in at $27.32, significantly lower than my nearest competition. That's what you get when you cut out all the extra fluff like separate courses, vegetables, and dishes. All we need now is to figure out what Aussie dish Adam Scott wants me to make.
According to this Brisbane Courier-Mail article, Adam Scott wants to serve ‘Bugs' at his dinner. As exciting and already Spillerific as that sounds, it's not a request for ACTUAL bugs, but the name of a local type of flat-headed lobster. Well, I can do lobster. The only issue here -- my $27.32 will be a bit … insufficient for ACTUAL lobster. That's okay. Internet chefs are nothing if not resourceful, so let's just make our own.
STEP 1) Lobster is seafood, and as we've established, all seafood is exactly the same. A few meals ago, I put a rubber band on a fish stick and no one batted an eye. Since we have such a small budget, let's see what we can find.
I've had this in my cupboard for months! It's cheap, already pre-blended, and most importantly: packaged. That means you can find packs at a discount store that have already expired for pennies on the dollar. Once you microwave it, the radiation kills whatever was growing inside. Plus, it's seafood, which fulfills all of our prerequisites.
Still, that little pack isn't going to feed a lot of people. We need what we in the Internet foodsmithing business call "heinous amounts of filler meat."
STEP 2) If that salmon is ‘Chicken of the Sea', then really, adding in ‘Chicken of the Forgotten Back Corner of the Freezer' isn't really lying, right? I mean, it's all chicken.
It's not freezer-burned. It's chicken that has been in a loving, time-honored relationship with the freezer for years. That icy buildup there? It's just Frost of Compassion. You could probably even charge more for that if you put in on the bag. I'm so good at ideas.
Anyway, nuke that meat for 20 minutes or until the chicken breasts resemble dry, tan prunes.
STEP 3) Of course, you're going to need to hide that filler meat in with the seafood so no one realizes what you've done. To mask any sort of difference in flavor, let me share with you a special ingredient I keep in reserve for cases like this:
Ignore that "for dogs" line. They just put that there so they can include delicious parts of animals that are unfairly deemed "unfit for human consumption" by the Obama probably. Look at all these nutrients: PREBIOTIC! GLUCOSAMINE! OMEGAS IN MULTIPLES OF THREE! Sure, it SAYS beef, but your nose will tell you: these are definitely made from chicken asses.
STEP 4) Now then, blend it up good and pasty. You're ready for the Aussie ingredient. I know very little about Australian foods outside of preposterously stereotypical Outback Steakhouse ads. And since we're on a budget, I can't fit an entire Bloomin' Onion into the blender. So I have this:
I tried to find Vegemite, but the internets charge a lot to ship it, and we're trying to hornswoggle our way to fabulous riches by making the cheapest lobster possible. This Marmite will do the trick, I guess. I mean, it shares a lot of letters with Vegemite. WHATEVER. Spoon it in.
STEP 5) Now, no one is going to believe this is a lobster if it doesn't look like one. This gives us the opportunity to also introduce a bit of Masters branding to our meal! Lobsters are great, but do you know what's even better? GREEN lobsters! Now then, let's see what we have in the fridge.
Green vanilla milk from St. Patrick's Day! Sure it's … I mean … it's a week into April at this point but it has to still be GOOD, right? It's lucky!
(hint: it is not good)
Lime Cucumber Gatorade is abysmal. It smells like … well, exactly like citrus cucumber would, and that's a bit unsettling, if I'm honest. I'm not sure if this was a regional thing, but I've only found it at a local store once, where I snagged it. I'm guessing it's good if you're expecting it. Anyway, it's green, which is what we're going for. Let's mix this and that milk together with something a little more substantial:
Oatmeal! This isn't even that gross, really. Okay, well, maybe the expired milk is. But it sure looks awful! Make sure to let it sit for awhile and absorb all that green.
STEP 6) Now, if we're going to sell this to Adam Scott, we need to make it look like a lobster. Now that you have this oatmeal, you can spread it around to make the base of the flat-headed crustacean.
I mean, those look like claws, right? Kinda. ANYWAY, spoon that meat goo right on top of the base.
Excellent. Now, we need to put on the shell. Pour on the rest of the oatmeal around the meat. It will eventually harden into a shell. This charade is nearly complete. But to be a true Masters meal, we need one thing: pimento cheese. I forgot this crucial ingredient last year. I won't do the same today. Again, we'll make our own:
Mash that up with the blunt end of a Sharpie you have lying nearby. Afterwards, spread it on top of your lobster. Now it's FANCY and will command more MONEY. To help convince everyone, I decided to add eyes, claws, and shell markings with a spare can of spray-frosting. Our vehicle of bamboozlement is finished. Let's take a look at our newly completed lobster:
STEP 7) Now, of course, we can't serve this to our guests raw. We need to cook it first! You can get sued if you give an entire party of rich white people food poisoning, and then we will have no money at all. TO THE OVEN:
Oh no, our lobster's eyes have melted into its head. :(
No matter. Prepare for serving by lifting up the foil and dropping it in front of each guest. Forks and plates are an unneeded cost when you have hands and tin foil.
Enjoy your Masters Champions Dinner, Adam!