A film breakdown of Patrick Reed ranting at a camera man for jingling pocket change

The highlights of Patrick Reed’s golfing year should be ranked as follows:

1. Telling a European cameraman that he “lost his privileges” for jingling change in his pocket.
2. Telling a PGA Tour rules official he was discriminating against him because he’d give Jordan Spieth a free drop in a similar situation.
3. Winning the Masters.

The new No. 1 joins the ranking thanks to Thursday morning’s first round at the Porsche European Open in Germany. It was there that Reed encountered the European Tour broadcast crew. With his ball in the rough on the left side of the green away from fans and the hustle and bustle, the broadcast crew dared disturb the Reed universe (shoutout Pete Bevacqua). To the tape we go:

As a whole, it’s arguably the best golf clip of the season. I may be exaggerating or I may just have different tastes. But I need to go into a few — not all, because we’d be here for hours — specific parts that make it so great.

A looper’s panicked plea

You know when you were kid and you’d be getting into some mischief out of view of your parents. Then you hear them coming down the stairs and you scramble in a complete panic to try and pick up or erase the evidence of any wrongdoing? That’s the state of the caddie feverishly gesticulating here because he knows a sh*t-hitting-the-fan moment could be imminent. Only he missed an empty Natural Light can over in the corner and ... oh shiiiiiit there’s Dad standing in the doorway with that look. The jig is up.

“Privileges”

But Dad, I wasn’t drinking. My idiot friend I barely know brought that beer over and it was the only one and he just wanted to see how it tastes. Doesn’t matter, you’re guilty by association and it was poor judgment even being around him!

That’s Reed here telling the camera man, who appears to be tethered to the actual guilty change-jingling equipment guy, that he’s gotta go too. So he delivers this all-time quote about privileges:

“Camera guy, too, since he’s a part of ya, sorry. He’s lost privileges by going like [AMAZING DEMONSTRATION!] with change.”

Privileges! The camera man should feel so honored to be able to record a Patrick Reed shot up close. I am going to use this line for the rest of time and in approximately one million future tweets about Patrick Reed.

[AMAZING DEMONSTRATION!]

Reed, dripping with disdain for the nearby humans, goes to his own pocket for a dramatic rendering of the crew member’s crimes. Meanwhile, the nearby sound guy, refusing to move, picks up the demonstrative jingle of ballmarkers and divot tools and oh this is all so beautiful.

Defiant sound guy

I do not know if Reed allowed the sound guy to stay because he was not “a part of ya” like the camera guy tethered to the offendant. Or if the sound guy defiantly stared down the barrel of a fuming Reed and did not budge. I’d like to presume the latter and award the sound guy a badge for his courage under fire. Reed flinched.

The wrist wave

Reed’s words excoriating the two are not enough. In the middle of it, he does this little wrist flex maneuver to accompany his “Keep going!” command. It’s subtle, but a critical addition to the clip of contempt.

The on-air talent trying to move on

The European Tour broadcasts are some of the best in golf. The production is great and the commentators are the appropriate voices to sooth you into those early weekend days. But I was howling as they tried to figure out what to say when Reed had finished ranting on their colleagues.

There’s this awkward-as-all-hell silence that lingers in the air, and finally a “Well, it will be tough to see how he gets on without a camera there.” There’s some banter, and then Warren Humphreys, in his accent perfect for the occasion, adds “Slightly on the aggressive side, you might say there.” Yes, slightly, you might say.

“Ridiculous!”

The duo has already been embarrassed. They were told to “Go.” They were told they’d “lost privileges.” They were told to “Keep going.” They were told “I’m not hitting until you get the heck out of here, like completely out of here.” The point, uh, had been made.

But Reed waited one more beat, and then decided to go back in for another kick as their carcasses lay on the ground. To punctuate the ordeal, he drops a “Ridiculous” that is just oozing with disgust. Even his caddie and brother-in-law, who started the dramatic scene with that panicked flailing, was amused by the extra kick. You can see the smile that comes across his face after Reed says “Ridiculous!”

Reed likes to dabble with European Tour events. It’s commendable. He tries to play more than the average stateside PGA Tour player. But you have to wonder if this crew member was a Euro Tour agent sent to test him. Reed is a lock to make the U.S. roster for the Ryder Cup in Paris in two months. Now I expect the everyone in the massive 6,500-seat first tee amphitheater (Hazeltine had only 1,668 two years ago) to greet him with a collective jingling of their pockets.