Marshawn Lynch likes hitting people, running for touchdowns and winning games. He doesn't like being forced to sit down and answer pointless questions. How dare he?! Doesn't he know there are livelihoods on the line? Reporters desperately need those quotes to finish their columns, and Lynch wants to avoid that process at whatever cost. We're at a stalemate; time for WWE 2K15 to settle it.
Beast Mode started a furor on Sunday after he answered the media's questions using a string of monosyllabic, one-word answers. It was hilarious, but some crusty old NFL media members were taken aback and bloviated on the need for him to be "responsible," which was tantamount to making their job easier. Lines are drawn. This is a fight we can determine with science. If Lynch wins, he'll never need to answer another dumb question. If he loses, he'll be forced to conduct a 15 minute presser after every game and answer all the questions.
Marshawn Lynch vs. A Reporter
It's surprisingly easy and terrifying to import a real photo into the game. It just requires a little effort and Photoshop. Am I saying this is the best picture of Marshawn in the world? Hell no, but it's better than I could have done free hand.
Let's get to the fight!
I set up a Last Man Standing match. It's simple: No pinfalls, no submissions, just beat your opponent down until he can't get up from a 10 count. I imagine this count is symbolic of 10 Marshawn Lynch answers, each lasting a second.
Marshawn walks out and his shirt clips through his chest and reveals there's a giant hole going straight through him. We'll need to see if this hurts him in the fight to come.
You'd think this would be an immediate beat down, but instead the two engaged in a near 20 second string of chain wrestling.
For a while things didn't look good for Marshawn — even though statistically there's no good reason for it. Lynch was a golden God of wrestling compared to A Reporter, because I needed to mimic their athletic differences. Beast Mode's overall rating was 100, his opponent was a 22 ... suddenly A Reporter was fired up, delivering a flurry of elbows and even a suplex to a man who outweighed him by 100 pounds.
This jubilation didn't last long. Soon enough Beast Mode was on top, and he wasn't letting go of the advantage.
Then this happened.
Marshawn thrusted over A Reporter's lifeless body knowing he was victorious, he was free. No longer would he be asked to talk about the Cardinals defense, or explain his Skittles for the 9 millionth time.
You can watch the full match here, if you're so inclined.