It is well known the Norwegian curling team is going to bust out some awesome pants. We knew this before the Olympics started:
They have done this at past games, earning a sponsorship from a company called Loudmouth Golf. And after winning silver in 2010 and gold in 2002, why would they change anything?
Now the Olympics have actually come, and it is time for us to look at their pants.
The Norwegians beat the USA in Day 1 of play, winning 7-4. And they did it in a Norway-colored Piet Mondrian painting:
(Clive Mason, Getty Images.)
For comparison, here is Mondrian's "Composition in Red, Yellow, and Blue"
The Norwegians took on Russia, and despite the home team earning three points in the final end, Norway moved to 2-0 with a 9-8 victory. They did it with paint splotches on their pants:
We prefer Day 1's look, because this really looks like it could just be dirty pants.
This earned them an 8-5 win over Germany.
Your Norwegian curling pants update for Thursday: pic.twitter.com/C93YNDmYFX— SB Nation Olympics (@SBNOlympics) February 13, 2014
These are the most Norway pants you'll ever see, hands down. However, it wasn't enough for the W: The Norwegians suffered their first loss, 5-4, to their Scanadanavian counterpart Swedes.
NORWAY! THESE PANTS AREN'T EVEN NORWAY COLORED
They're just flowerpants. This is bad. You have to wear Norway pants, Norway. You can't wear flower pan- OHHHHH, OF COURSE, IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY!!!! Norway just stole our hearts again. They were punished for not wearing Norway colors, though, getting walloped, 10-4 by the Canadians.
They lost their third straight, though, falling to China 7-5.
After a day off, the Norwegians had two games. First up, the British, and they wore the pants they wore in that promo pic at the top of the page:
Paul Gilham, Getty
They eked out a 7-6 win by landing a decisive stone in the final end.
After that, they took on the Swiss, and these pants actually have more Norwegian flags than any other pants:
Norwegian Pants vs. Switzerland. Day 7: Checkerboard pattern w/Norway Flags! pic.twitter.com/oTdaBVCvKo— Phil Hecken (@PhilHecken) February 16, 2014
And they won, 5-3, so they could still hypothetically make the medal round.
Streeter Lecka, Getty Images
They end the round robin 9-9 in terms of new pants. However, a 5-3 loss to the Danish dropped them to 5-4, tied with the British for fourth place. This sets up a tiebreaker game to decide who advances to the medal round. This raises two questions:
1. Is this the last game for the Norwegians?
2. This tiebreaker raises their potential maximum number of games from 11 to 12. If the Norwegians win, they'll end up in a semifinal with Sweden. If they win that, they go to a gold medal game. If they lose, they'll go to a bronze medal game. But do the Norwegians have a 12th pair of pants on hand, or did they only pack for 11?
Best of luck to our be-pantsed heroes.
Tragedy! The Norwegians did not, apparently, expect to need to wear more than nine pants. Against Great Britain, they repeated a pair of pants, wearing the splotchy kit from Day 2.
They carried a 5-4 lead into the final end, but the Brits took two points for a 6-5 victory and a trip to the medal round, ending the Norwegian's trip to Sochi.
This teaches us a valuable lesson: if you're going to commit to wearing a different pair of pants every game, wear a different pair of pants every game. Ensure you have enough pants for all possible contingencies: tiebreaker games, mustard spills, last-minute realizations that the tailor has made your pants too short, the works. If you don't have what it takes to pull it off in the closet, you won't have what it takes to pull it off on the field of play.
Norway achieved sartorial brilliance in Sochi, but in the end, they flew too close to the sun. They bit off more than they could chew, and the great weight of their pants-related responsibility crushed them.
However, we still salute you, Norwegian curling team, for your excellence in the field of pants. We look forward to more pants, brighter pants, and most importantly, a medal in 2018 in South Korea -- but please, pack enough pants.