If you had gone back in time and told a high school version of myself that a plumber from Brooklyn named Luigi Mario would be 2014's greatest athlete, I'd probably have run away terrified. Time travelers are frightening. But say I'd been able to comprehend the brevity of the situation: I'd likely then have scolded you for not properly christening your device the "Timulator"; that's non-canon.
All Mario nerdery aside, just about all of us lost countless hundreds; thousands; ten of thousands (I'm not embarrassed) of hours to various versions of Mario Kart over the last several decades. The latest iteration, Mario Kart 8, showcases far and away the greatest polygons-to-shade ratio in the history of the franchise, courtesy of a brazen make and model of Luigi that could make even Yasiel Puig blush.
But what if Luigi was ... well, a baby. That drives. Because Mario Kart reasons:
What is this I don't even:
If you still somehow had any doubts as to Luigi 2k14's bonafides:
Finally, it wouldn't be SB Nation if we didn't: