Cristiano Ronaldo's World Cup is being threatened by tendinosis and there's only one person to blame -- a Ghanian witch doctor.
That's right! Witch doctors are still alive and well, and more importantly they're continuing to curse people. Nana Kwaku Bonsam is described by The Guardian as Ghana's "most influential witch doctor," which is to say there are a lot of witch doctors in Ghana. There has been no comment from Ghana's least influential witch doctor, Ted.
"I am very serious about it. Last week, I went around looking for four dogs and I got them to be used in manufacturing a special spirit called Kahwiri Kapam."
We don't want to know what happens when you "manufacture" dogs, but it probably doesn't mean making small porcelain statues in their image.
"I said it four months ago that I will work on Cristiano Ronaldo seriously and rule him out of the World up or at least prevent him from playing against Ghana and the best thing I can do is to keep him out though injury.
The battle is on. Modern medicine vs. a witch doctor's curse. Everything is on the line for Portugal but thankfully the nation can rally its resources around Ronaldo, right?
"This injury can never be cured by any medic, they can never see what is causing the injury because it is spiritual. Today, it is his knee, tomorrow it is his thigh, next day it is something else."
TOMORROW IT COULD BE HIS GROIN. SOMEONE STOP THIS RIGHT NOW.
Nana Kwaku Bonsam is known as the "Devil of Wednesday," in Ghana and guess what day it is folks? Ooooh ... this is getting spooky. If you feel like spending the rest of your day with the Devil of Wednesday go ahead and watch this 30 minute video of him explaining his powers, because why not?