I don't like to get too serious in this space, but I have no other alternative. On Thursday, I discovered that the Padres could construct a lineup -- a realistic, mostly plausible lineup -- that would spell out "ASS FRACAS" on the lineup card.
Here is an artist's conception:
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I'm pretty sure you don't have to be told how important this is. I've started a petition, hoping to enlist the help of President Barack Obama. He will certainly see it if we get enough signatures. Here is the full text of the petition:
The San Diego Padres are in the middle of one of their worst offensive seasons in franchise history, which means they're in the middle of one of the worst offensive seasons from any team in history. They have a chance to salvage this season.
Padres manager Bud Black has the capacity to start a lineup that spells out the term "ASS FRACAS," which would change the world in a very real way. Black has the chance to be the real-life Wyld Stallyns of his time, and our nation's president should support him. Or possibly put pressure on him.
We need this. San Diego needs this. America needs this. America needs the ASS FRACAS that the Padres can give us. Thank you for your consideration.
The Braves can spell out FLASH JUGS. The Royals can spell out AMEBIC PIG. But only the Padres can spell out ASS FRACAS.
Again, thank you for your consideration. Please consider sharing this on social media and helping our cause.