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The Puppy Bowl is a sham

Why won't anyone do something about this?

Cindy Ord, Getty Images

DeflateGate, Marshawn Lynch and the media, Richard Sherman's strong words for the NFL -- these are all scandals manufactured to distract you from the real scandal, which is that the Puppy Bowl is a sham. The NFL's foremost canine competition is an ill-conceived, rigged event, and its blatant corruptness is a slap in the face to:

- Fans

- Competitors

- Advertisers

- Viewers who bet $18,060 out of their daughters' college fund on Shyla the Great Pyrenees to win MVP even though their wives said not to because Shyla was a sure thing after all her preparation and if that bet paid off there would be enough money for a down payment on the party submarine AND the girls' college fund so what's the problem Ellen seriously just trust me on something for once

That's just a few kinds of people who have been ROBBED by this mockery of organized sport. Don't believe me that the Puppy Bowl is an abject sham? Well, I can prove to you that the Puppy Bowl ref is an unabashed game fixer who is very likely on the take.


(Cindy Ord, Getty Images)

Dan Schachner is the Puppy Bowl's ref-for-life. Yeah, it's just one guy and it's always him. Can you think of another major sporting event that has the same ref every single year? No, because that would raise all kinds of red flags and people would make a big stink about potential corruption. And yet no one says a word when one man has free reign to manipulate the Puppy Bowl unchecked.

And in case you think Schachner keeps getting to officiate because he's an even-handed, scrupulous judge of the game -- nopeFrom an old interview:

Favorite Puppy Bowl VIII Moment: Watching our MVP (Most Valuable Puppy) carry a chew toy across the goal line for the third time. I celebrated by blowing my whistle and jumping for joy; he celebrated with a "puppy foul" in the end zone. It was at that very moment that I knew I was witnessing history.

Favorite Penalties to Call: "Unnecessary ruff, ruff, ruff-ness," "Unpuppylike conduct," "Illegal Use of the Paws," "Illegal Retriever Down Field" and "Excessive cuteness on the Field."

The ref celebrates plays during the game itself. How is that acceptable? And what kind of ref has favorite penalties? If an NFL ref told us he loves calling pass interference, wouldn't we be highly skeptical every time he did so?

That's not all. Schachner also trains with the athletes (link if video doesn't load):

So we're okay with a ref fraternizing with competitors in the lead-up to the game, probably developing relationships and biases in the process? Schachner is, by his own admission, not an objective viewer of the game, and yet he's the one who makes the calls, determines the outcomes, and denies MVP awards to worthy puppies like Shyla.

Oh, and how about this, via The Washington Post:

Schachner, a veteran TV host who freely admits he's not a real referee, loves it. "I'm the only human (on camera), so for people who need constant attention and validation, this is great," he said laughing.

Yeah, this guy keeps getting officiating jobs, including one in the notoriously shady Celebrity Deathmatch, despite openly admitting he's not a real ref.

I mean, I don't know what else to say. If you're not appalled already, then we have to go to the tape. I could pick pretty much anything from Puppy Bowl X to show you what a joke of a ref Schachner is, so here's a play I picked at random:

Tell me that wasn't unnecessary ruffness. Tell me one dog trying to eat another one isn't TEXTBOOK UNNECESSARY RUFFNESS. No call. Nothing.

It gets worse. I'm sure you were as dismayed as I was about Shyla's MVP snub in 2014. We all remember Shyla kicking the first field goal in Puppy Bowl history (link if video doesn't load):

Instant classic. This was a Puppy Bowl legend's defining moment -- the kind of thing that validates those who wagered $18,060 on her greatness -- but somehow not enough to earn Shyla the MVP trophy she deserved.

You know who got MVP? Ginger. The same Ginger who clearly indulged in marijuana -- a banned substance -- before the game:


Look at those eyes. (And never mind Mr. Schachner's reptilian avatar/probable drug pusher congratulating Ginger for her unearned award.)

The drugged-up Ginger's defining moment in Puppy Bowl X wasn't a great play or anything -- she didn't make scoring history like Shyla did. No, she just committed a ton of penalties, including terrorizing the ref:

That's your MVP. Someone who literally attacked the official and bit his whistle. You'd think that would count against her, but remember, this guy is, in his own words, "not a real referee."

Of course, we don't know the extent of Schachner's perversions because the broadcast of the game is edited:

The Puppy Bowl players are untrained dogs, given their age, and that means that there's unavoidably a great deal of pooping on the field. Toporoff said the pups defecate as much as every 20 seconds at times, but it's easy to fix it all in post with careful editing.

Yeah, they definitely only edit out the defecating and don't lay a finger on Shyla's highlight plays that should have earned her MVP and put cash in the pockets of people who predicted her greatness and just want to have money for a party submarine and put their daughters through college. Noooo reason to doubt them there.

Those people deserve a fair Puppy Bowl. We all deserve a fair Puppy Bowl unsullied by favoritism, drugs, and systematic corruption. If I'm the only one brave enough to speak up about this travesty, so be it. FREE THE PUPPY BOWL.