Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini were suspended by FIFA today, much to the joy of the world and the chagrin of Sepp Blatter. The FIFA president turned Bond villain is always willing to give a good quote, but these are on a whole other plain of existence.
Sepp warmed up by telling the truth. A refreshing change of pace for him.
Blatter on 8-year ban: "To say it's good day for me or for FIFA... would be totally wrong"— Rob Harris (@RobHarris) December 21, 2015
Just remember one thing: Sepp Blatter is your punching bag (ball).
Blatter: "I'm really sorry. I am sorry that I am still somewhere a punching ball and in sorry for football. I'm sorry for FIFA"— Dan Roan (@danroan) December 21, 2015
Wait for it...
Blatter: "But I'm also sorry about me - how I am treated in this world of humanity..."— Dan Roan (@danroan) December 21, 2015
Let's stop right here for a sec.
Dude, you got caught for corruption and fired for it. This wasn't some grand conspiracy between the entire world (of humanity) to attack you. One can only hope that Sepp's grandiose talk about how he's been treated is simply naivete and not fully appreciating how many people have been treated worse than Sepp Blatter.
Blatter highlights how he's sitting in room where Mandela where when won 2010 World Cup bid (which has payment subject to allegations)— Rob Harris (@RobHarris) December 21, 2015
Let's take a break to appreciate Sepp Blatter's daughter staring into your soul.
Banned: Blatter flanked by his daughter Corinne says he has been treated like a punchball by ethics committee pic.twitter.com/KrpNsHXiSj— Martyn Ziegler (@martynziegler) December 21, 2015
It's too early for this. Anyway, Sepp decided to take a turn and detail how his ban is really like a disaster movie.
Blatter on 8-year ban "This decision has put a new tsunami inside FIFA ... it has created a lot of collateral danger"— Rob Harris (@RobHarris) December 21, 2015
"Starring The Rock and Sepp Blatter -- 'Collateral Danger' coming this Summer"
Sepp then decided to drop the always-popular "I'M IN CHARGE!" line. It's a technique that has warmed people to dictators in the past.
As the press conference came to a close he wants you to know two things.
Blatter: "I am still here thanks to my good heart. And I have never lost my mind ... I am back and I am doing better"— Rob Harris (@RobHarris) December 21, 2015
The final quote of a press conference is always tough. You need something memorable. I've got it! Close with Schwarzenegger.
Sepp Blatter closes news conference with "I'LL BE BACK"— Rob Harris (@RobHarris) December 21, 2015
Can't wait for his album to drop in May.