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Rob Gronkowski is the perfect 'Family Feud' contestant

By Seth Rosenthal
Robin Marchant/Getty Images

Rob Gronkowski and his family taped an episode of Celebrity Family Feud. I have not seen the episode, nor do I have any insider information as to how the Gronks performed, so this is a prediction: Rob Gronkowski is going to be the greatest Family Feud contestant of all time.

See, Family Feud is a special game. Exceptional minds thrive on shows like Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, because those games test the limits of individual knowledge and identification. Feud does not test for brilliance. It tests for averageness. A great Family Feud contestant must have each of three qualities, all of which Gronk possesses:

1. In tune with the average American

Feud requires you to guess the thoughts and feelings of 100 regular Americans. Gronk can relate, because he's just a normal guy.

"I'm just a normal guy," said Gronkowski

See?

He's just a regular dude who, like any American, uses Tinder, once had a dumb email address and AIM screenname, chugs beer, guzzles vodka and water, enjoys iced coffee, doesn't understand time machines and loves to scrap. He also has experience relating to regular Americans, whether it's on his party ship, on his party bus, or at his football clinic for women. Gronk is of the people and for the people. Gronk is the people.

2. Super horny

Feud questions are often designed to generate sexy responses, and the sample of 100 Americans almost always follows through:

You need someone in your family with sex on the brain at all times. Gronk is that someone.

In every setting on every occasion, Gronk is thinking about sex. This is good for at least one answer per round.

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3. Prone to dancing

All winners on Feud must dance. It's an unwritten rule. Gronk will dance.

It is for these reasons that I foresee the greatest individual performance in Family Feud history from Gronk. I am willing to stake my professional reputation on this prediction.

★★★

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