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2022 Winter Olympics will be held in frigid ice capital Beijing, where it does not snow

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Beijing, a city where it does not snow, will host the 2022 Winter Olympics.

Chinese officials, who promoted the country's Olympic bid under the slogan "Joyful Rendezvous Upon Pure Ice and Snow" where "pure" means "completely artificial and very expensive," have insisted that they will manufacture all requisite snowflakes, a project that has worked well in the past.

Beijing was awarded the Games over sole competitor Almaty, Kazakhstan, whose two-pronged sales pitch was that a) Kazakhstan is not as bad as you think it is and b) frozen water does in fact fall out of the sky there.

Four other cities — Oslo; Krakow; Stockholm; and Lviv, Ukraine — withdrew their bids, because the Olympics are, in almost every possible sense, bad.