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The complete and future history of Terrell Owens begging for an NFL job

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Terrell Owens wants to return to the NFL. He's wanted to return to the NFL ever since he was cut by the Seahawks in 2012. Ever the opportunist, Owens saw Dez Bryant's injury as a chance to make a new sales pitch to the Dallas Cowboys, where he left with much acrimony in 2008. In 2008 Marcus Mariota was 14 years old. That's to say: Owens is kind of old.

Age will never stop Terrell Owens. This pattern will continue forever. It's destined to continue. Today we map out 100 years of Terrell Owens comeback attempts.


- Terrell Owens is signed by Seahawks after being two years removed from the NFL. He's cut after 20 days.


Owens' agent tells the media that "teams are interested" in his client. Nobody calls.


- Terrell Owens appears at Cowboys' training camp and talks to Jerry Jones (among others). He tells ESPN Dallas that he can still play. Nobody calls.


- He claims he hasn't retired, and Owens tells Sports Illustrated that he's "training with current NFL players."

- Owens' agent reaches out to the Dallas Cowboys after Dez Bryant is injured.


- Owens enters his name into the supplemental draft for the NFL's two new teams in Mexico City and London. He is not selected.


- Terrell Owens becomes a poster child for the transhuman movement and undergoes surgery to turn himself into a cyborg. He makes a failed attempt to gain four years of college eligibility under the name "T.R. Owns 2.0 " with the hopes of entering the 2043 NFL Draft.


- Owens tells Adam Schefter Jr. that he's "better than he ever was," claiming "I'm just waiting for a team to neurally interface with my cranial chip." Nobody calls.


- Terrell Owens removes all human parts from his body, becoming the world's first full-robotic athlete. Nobody calls.


- An A.I. imbued with Roger Goodell's decision making reveals that the NFL will no longer have human athletes.


- The NFL announces two new positions for its all-robot league: "Grindback" and "Whir Receiver." TR0WENZ1011011 contacts the Dallas Cowboys about becoming their WR. Nobody returns his y-mail.


- Catchbot 10,000 suffers an oil leak vs. Detroit, effectively ending the Baltimore Colts' season. Robo-Owens sees his chance and announced that he's been "lubricating himself for the last 15 years."


- Robo-Owens reveals he has been working out with Brett Favre, who isn't a robot but nobody has thought to look into why he's still alive. No NFL team calls Owens.


- Owens announces his retirement from the NFL concurrently with the news he will be leading the Interplanetary Defense Forces campaign to Tau'vessa 7 as part of the Insect Colony Wars. He receives a medal for bravery after sprinting to catch a larval mortal fired by a Densari high queen that would have destroyed an infantry platoon.

Terrell Owens was right all along.

robot 2.0