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Russia picked a goggle-wearing party wolf to be its World Cup mascot

James: Have we talked about Russia’s World Cup mascot?

Mark: It’s a wolf. A soccer playing wolf — with goggles.

James: Gogglewolf.

Mark: That wolf looks like he fell down a chimney while wearing goggles.

James: I haven’t seen a Russian wolf before, but I find it hard to believe they have that weird patch of nothingness around their eyes.

Look, they even made him a bio.

James: Wait... are they admitting the wolf cheats using his target-finding goggles?

Mark: Maybe he has an astigmatism?

James: They look like those yellow-tinted sunglasses you get at Best Buy that are supposed to help you with first-person shooters.

The wolf is fine, I guess, but Russia screwed up. TAKE A LOOK AT COSMONAUT TIGER!

Mark: Couldn’t they hedge a bit and have the wolf and tiger be dual mascots? Like, the wolf could be the Steve Harrington of Russian animal soccer and cosmonaut tiger is like Martin Prince.

James: At least make it a cosmonaut wolf. I’m very upset by this.

Mark: Soccer wolf just wants to play soccer and party. Cosmonaut Tiger is a skilled soccer tiger, but he's also very studious and can play a sweet clarinet solo on the side.

I want NOTHING to do with soccer cat, by the way.

James: Soccer cat is absolute trash. I’m genuinely upset it came within 7 percent of cosmonaut tiger.

Mark: It reminds me Bubsy or Knuckles from the Sonic the Hedgehog games.

James: Totally. Soccer cat is some weird second-rate mascot nobody likes.

Mark: The wolf has goggles, the tiger is an astronaut, the cat is just a f**king cat.

OK, it's red and it's got stars on it, but that's about it.

James: Needs more hammers and sickles IMO.

Mark: One more reason why I would pick Cosmonaut Tiger: he'd also be really great on a cereal box

James: So we're in agreement that Cosmonaut Tiger is the absolute best mascot, because I'm right there with you.

How would you grade all three of the prospective mascots out of 10?

Cosmonaut Tiger: 9.8/10.
Gogglewolf: 6.3/10 — wait, no ... 6.9/10.
Borderline Communist Soccer Cat: 3/10.

Incredible Space Tiger: Sputnik/10
Gogglewolf: 5.8/10
Communist Soccer Cat: Tear down this wall/10