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7 questions for Chuck the Condor, the Clippers' inexplicable new mascot

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This is Chuck the Condor.

The Clippers unveiled their new mascot at halftime on Monday night and it represents an increasing invasion of avian influence in the NBA. Los Angeles is following New Orleans into the bird realm with this guy, who (thankfully) is nowhere near as terrifying as old Pierre, the Pelicans' mascot of doom.

That said, I have a lot of questions about Chuck the Condor.

chuck questions

1. Why does Chuck look like the mascot for an Eastern European breakfast cereal?

cereal

Every mascot has a certain "Saturday morning cartoon" vibe to them, but Chuck might be this ideal taken to its natural conclusion. He's a Malt O' Meal off-brand Toucan Sam that comes in a cereal you buy in bags, not boxes and likely imported from Russia. I think it's the twinkle in his eye.

2. Why is Chuck wearing so much safety gear?

The idea here is that Chuck is an extreme sports condor, I suppose -- but it raises questions in itself. The California Condor is critically endangered. Why would you want a condor to participate in gnar gnar shreddage and potentially risk himself. He's one of the last condors left. Maybe leave the skateboard at home, bro. This also opens up a whole host of quandaries with Tony Hawk.

3. Is Chuck wearing Chucks?

They sure look like Chuck Taylors. Was this intentional? Did the Clippers write some alt-history where Chuck the Condor was the true inventor of Chuck Taylors? By extension this likely means that Chuck shops and Hot Topic, which would make him the only mascot in the NBA who shops at Hot Topic.

4. Why does it look like Chuck the Condor is wearing a bathing suit from the 1920s?

Photo via Amazon.com

I understand that this is just a likely transition to the leg area, but it's confusing.

5. Why are Chuck's wings so small?

These are tiny, crappy, useless wings. There is simply no way he could effectively leave the nest with such a small surface area for gliding. If Chuck tried to fly with these he would crash into the ground. This could be why he wears so much safety gear.

There's an alternate theory that is much more devious. Perhaps the Clippers clipped Chuck's wings to prevent him from flying out of the Staples Center. Did Steve Ballmer just capture a condor and hold is hostage to perform at games? Sickening.

6. Why is Chuck wearing his helmet so poorly?

I understand that there probably aren't many manufacturers of condor-shaped helmets, but this is highly problematic. It's loose, it barely covers the crown of his head. If Chuck gets in an extreme sports accident this will not adequately protect his head. It's a bad message to the kids.

7. Why is Chuck's jersey so short?

This really pairs with No.4. Let's assume for a second that Chuck isn't wearing a 1920s bathing suit. This is a weird half-jersey that doesn't cover his bird junk. It ends well above his hips, which means his midriff is exposed. Also, if you're wondering why he's No. 213, well, it's because that's the area code the Staples Center is located in.

Is Chuck a good mascot?

Great art challenges us. It confronts us. It makes us ask questions. To this end Chuck is the perfect mascot. Why does he look the way he does? I really have no idea, but I want to know more. I want to understand this condor's life and motivations. I want to dive deeply into his background and discover what makes him tick.

I give Chuck the Condor a score of three condors and two Tony Hawks out of 5.

score

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