On Saturday, the Portland Trail Blazers hosted a promotional event known as Mascot Night. There really aren't words suitable in our language to describe the barbarity that took place, so you might be best off just watching it above. Truly, who could have known all those cuddly mascots were capable of committing such heinous acts.
Anyway, we have questions.
1. How did the Trail Blazers get so many mascots to fly out to Portland for this event!? Some of them were already on the West coast, it looks like, and several of the mascots are local, but that would still seem like a difficult sell.
3. How did anyone with any iota of sportsmanship sign off on the "last man standing" rule!? Of course the Rockets bear, who goes into the ring last, is going to have the best chance of winning!
4. Apparently the Blazers were celebrating the "birthday" of Blaze the Trail Cat, who is 14? When I was 14, I celebrated my birthday at On the Border but refused to let my parents tell the waiters that's what it was because then they'd come over and sing something in exchange for my free piece of cake, which would have mortified 14-year-old me who had negative social skills at the time. Why didn't I get to referee fighting mascots? This is your fault, dad.
5. Why can't Moondog rip his shirt? WHY DOES HE NEED TO RIP HIS SHIRT? Nightmares.
6. Why did the PA guy say the Seahawks' mascot came from the "Seattle Superhawks"?
7. Who thought this would be appropriate for children!?
8. Why can't I stop watching this video?