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Washington actually wants people to surf in its proposed stadium's moat

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Undeterred by the incredulity that followed the team's announcement that their proposed D.C. stadium might include a moat, the Washington football team has doubled down, explaining that the shallow pool of fetid water could be used for surfing, kayaking, tanning, rappelling and rollerblading, in addition to the brawling, spitting and bladder-relieving that anyone who has ever been to a professional athletic event before has already imagined.

Seriously: there is a beach. A beach! Wouldn't it be lovely to have a beach outside your favorite NFL team's stadium? No. The answer is no, it would not be lovely. There is a world, probably, where a beach would be a welcome addition to an NFL game, where we could all sit in the sand and build sandcastles and dip our toes in the water and be happy. This world is not that world. In that world, they do not sell Coors Light.

And let's not lose sight of the symbolic value of the moat in the proposed design. Moats keep invading forces at bay. Poor Dan Snyder, perpetually under siege from forces demanding that he be ever so slightly less bad: to minority groups, to his players, to D.C. residents, to good taste and sensibility generally. Now Snyder can pull up his figurative drawbridge and let his piss moat keep those forces away for a little longer; long may he live.