New at @astros games: Irish Nachos -- kettle chips with jalapeño queso (via @AramarkSports) pic.twitter.com/99HSkDQ3WW
— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) March 24, 2016
Stadium food is trending upward and outward.
Say hello to T.E.D. (The Everything Dog). Part of your new @Braves dining experience. pic.twitter.com/psggppPi4s
— FOX Sports South (@FOXSportsSouth) March 22, 2016
The only way to distinguish yourself in this crowded space is to offer food with more and more varied toppings than other ballparks.
Meet PNC Park's Cracker Jack & Mac dog, topped with caramel sauce, jalapeños, Cracker Jack & macaroni and cheese. pic.twitter.com/166CDx790u
— Alicia Jessop (@RulingSports) March 24, 2016
The basic process is:
1. Take regular stadium food
2. Slather it with whatever awful garbage you can find, disregarding coherence and heft
But how far does this go? Are we just going to keep gradually adding more and more stupider and stupider ingredients to concessions? I say we cut to the chase.
As a student of the trends and an adventurous eater as well, I am proud to present the end-all be-all in the quest for the most elaborate stadium food.
This is the All Dog.
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This hot dog has it all, and I mean that literally. Some of the many ingredients:
All-natural 100% beef frankfurter
Mustard
Relish
Ketchup
Jalapeños
Marshmallow fluff
Chicken parmesan sandwiches
Tennis balls
Bowling balls
Basketballs
Clay
Geese
Baby geese
Eggs of geese
Geese corpses
Hospitals
Sponges
Shoes
The children
Cobalt
Hyundai Elantras
Tents
Hair
Helen Hunt
Caves
Oceans
The concept of forgiveness
Scallions
Coins
Archaebacteria
Lava
Fire
Black olives
The Internet
Magnesium
Your uncles
Cheddar cheese sauce
Hinduism
The Sears tower
What remains of J. Crew's 2011 Fall collection
Grasshoppers
Manatees
Life, generally
Pickles
Marbles
Brotherhood
Caramelized onions
Raw red onions
Raw white onions
Belize
Light
Sound
Tractors
The 1998-99 Toronto Raptors
Arsenic
Strontium
The rest of the elements in their entirety
Human souls
All of the desks and other assorted office props they used in Jerry Maguire
Hummus
Water
Dentistry
Feathers
The Arctic
Circuses
Whole wheat bun