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Presenting the All Dog, the true ultimate in ludicrous ballpark food

By Seth Rosenthal

Stadium food is trending upward and outward.

The only way to distinguish yourself in this crowded space is to offer food with more and more varied toppings than other ballparks.

The basic process is:

1. Take regular stadium food

2. Slather it with whatever awful garbage you can find, disregarding coherence and heft

But how far does this go? Are we just going to keep gradually adding more and more stupider and stupider ingredients to concessions? I say we cut to the chase.

As a student of the trends and an adventurous eater as well, I am proud to present the end-all be-all in the quest for the most elaborate stadium food.

This is the All Dog.

earthdog

This hot dog has it all, and I mean that literally. Some of the many ingredients:

All-natural 100% beef frankfurter

Mustard

Relish

Ketchup

Jalapeños

Marshmallow fluff

Chicken parmesan sandwiches

Tennis balls

Bowling balls

Basketballs

Clay

Geese

Baby geese

Eggs of geese

Geese corpses

Hospitals

Sponges

Shoes

The children

Cobalt

Hyundai Elantras

Tents

Hair

Helen Hunt

Caves

Oceans

The concept of forgiveness

Scallions

Coins

Archaebacteria

Lava

Fire

Black olives

The Internet

Magnesium

Your uncles

Cheddar cheese sauce

Hinduism

The Sears tower

What remains of J. Crew's 2011 Fall collection

Grasshoppers

Manatees

Life, generally

Pickles

Marbles

Brotherhood

Caramelized onions

Raw red onions

Raw white onions

Belize

Light

Sound

Tractors

The 1998-99 Toronto Raptors

Arsenic

Strontium

The rest of the elements in their entirety

Human souls

All of the desks and other assorted office props they used in Jerry Maguire

Hummus

Water

Dentistry

Feathers

The Arctic

Circuses

Whole wheat bun

The All Dog costs $28.50, but if you can finish it, it's free!