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JEFF TEAGUE CARRIES HIS PIZZA SIDEWAYS

The Hawks forgot Jeff Teague at the Palace following a game against the Pistons on Saturday. That's funny and a memorable story, but today we have far bigger fish to fry.

WHY IS JEFF TEAGUE HOLDING A PIZZA LIKE THAT?!

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Consensus on the Internet seems to be that Teague procured himself a Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready, which, let's face it, is the saddest dinner on earth. Don't argue this, it's true. I've done it, you've done it. There's been a time in all our lives that a Hot-N-Ready seemed like a good idea but it only ends in regret. Regret that you didn't cook something. Regret that you didn't get a better pizza. Regret at the twists and turns your life took to make you decide you needed a pizza but absolutely could not wait 30 minutes for it.

Despite all this, there's only one acceptable way to hold a pizza and sideways under your arm like a textbook is 100 percent not the way you hold a pizza. The reasons here are obvious: Topping slippage, greasy drippage and overall messiness. So who the heck taught Jeff Teague how to hold a pizza?

This leads us to a curious situation. Did Teague know he would be photographed and plant an empty box under his arm to make us all think he carries pizza sideways? It sounds ridiculous, but it's possible. Remember the seminal Internet story of "Smith," the man who bought pizzas and carried them the very same way.

There's another possibility here -- what if Teague IS Smith from Internet pizza folklore. It would explain a whole lot. However, one would think workers at a local pizza joint would at least know if an NBA star was in their midst. We might never get a good answer to this conundrum.

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