Kobe Bryant has spent his entire career chasing Michael Jordan's legacy. All things considered, Bryant came pretty damn close -- five rings, more points, a mid-career number change, at least one three-peat with Phil Jackson as his coach, and we could go on.
But there's one thing left that Jordan has that Bryant doesn't: randomly coming out of retirement to play for the Washington Wizards.
How could we have been so foolish? Did you think Bryant would just let Jordan hold that record alone? Unfortunately, the surprise has been ruined. Randy Wittman let the secret out of the bag. You might think he was just joking around, but no, Wittman doesn't joke around (besides that time he tried to play Nene and Marcin Gortat together). Clearly this was ominous foreshadowing of what's to come.
Wizards coach Randy Wittman on Kobe: "I don't know why he's retiring. I might ask him to come play for the Wizards next year."— Baxter Holmes (@BaxterHolmes) March 28, 2016
Some rational, reasonable people will tell you this won't be happening. You might think this won't be happening, because you're a self-aware basketball fan who understands people aren't always serious all the time. But you're all obviously wrong. This is why you can start ordering custom Wizards jerseys with "Bryant" on the back.*
Why it makes sense for Kobe to join the Wizards
Look, you're either for the wizened mages of the occult, or you're against them. Wizards are very powerful and Bryant would be foolish to get on their bad side. Plus, one of Kobe's best games all season was a 31-point performance in Washington on Dec. 2. Clearly, the magical powers in D.C. are alive and working through Bryant already.
Why it makes sense for the Wizards to sign Kobe
Bryant is shooting 36 percent from the floor this season and 29 percent on threes. Randy Wittman will LOVE him!
Why it wouldn't make sense
My editors are making me write this section, you know, as a devil's advocate or something. But there aren't any reasons. On one hand, you have a 37-year-old superstar who can barely play 60 games, has never played for a franchise other than the Lakers and simply isn't an efficient, effective scorer these days. On the other hand, you have a team angling for a Kevin Durant homecoming this free agency with four starters under the age of 26. I don't know about you, but that sounds like a match made in heaven. Plus, wizards have magic and stuff, remember?
Chances this happens
100 percent. 200 percent. (Insert large number here) percent.