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Here's what a football team full of 'Stranger Things' characters would look like

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There’s a small, oft-unread clause in the NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement that almost everyone missed during the 2011 lockout: A provision that allowed teams to field players with telekinetic powers beginning in the 2017 season. The idea was that teams would have ample time to prepare and bolster their scouting departments, but it had an unfortunate byproduct. The 2017 season is also scheduled to be when the San Diego Chargers relocate to Indiana and become the Hawkins Electric.

NFL players aren’t keen on moving to small-town Indiana. Everyone opts out of their contracts or is granted a release. Hawkins, in dire need of players, turns to its citizens to fill the roster. This is the fantasy draft for that team, where every position is filled with a character from Stranger Things.


Position Name
QB Eleven
RB Mike Wheeler
FB Dustin Henderson
TE Jonathan Byers
WR1 Nancy Wheeler
WR2 Benny
LT Jim Hopper
LG Officer Powell
C Karen Wheeler
RG Officer Callahan
RT Lonnie Byers

Obviously Eleven is the quarterback here. Telekinesis gives her elite throwing skills, and if anyone tries to tackle her she'll just make them bleed through their eyeballs and collapse. The real problem here was finding good receivers for her.

Nancy Wheeler was an obvious choice. Her hand-eye coordination was stellar when she learned how to shoot a gun, and she's got some speed. Who do we put across from her?

Mark: I can't recall anyone in the show catching anything.

James: The diner owner caught a bullet. Receiver potential IMO.

Mark: Rest in peace, Benny.

James: RIP, sweet prince.

The backfield has to be Mike and Dustin. The former had the speed to get away from the bully, Troy -- while Dustin carried Eleven around. That's a strong combo. Tight end is a difficult position, but Jonathan Byers is up to the task. Good size, strong work ethic and he probably has quite soft hands.

The line is a mixed bag anchored by Jim Hopper at left tackle and Karen Wheeler at center. Both are strong protectors. Hopper would lock down the blind side, while Karen would make damn sure there was a good hole for Mike to run through.


Position Name
LDE Tommy H.
DT Troy
DT James
RDE Carol
OLB Will Byers
MLB The Demogorgon
OLB Barb Powell
CB Steve Harrington
CB Lucas Sinclair
FS Lead Agent
SS Agent Connie Frazier

There's a ton of meanness on this defensive line. All of Hawkins' bullies are in one place -- but it's linebacker where this crew really shines. The Demogorgon is just impossible to get past. It can rush the passer, drop into coverage and if it's a night game it can cut the lights off mid-snap. You can't deal with that. On the flanks we have Will and Barb. Both have experience in "The Upside Down," and this means the trio of 'backers could drop underground when needed and pop up anywhere.

Steve Harrington is that asshole corner who isn't nearly as good as he thinks. He'll be a liability Hawkins will have to deal with. Lucas, on the other hand, will be our lockdown corner. Sinclair Island will be a reality.

Mark: That's our corner. He's got shit from 'nam.

Safety was an odd spot to figure out.

Mark: What about the creepy Hawkins Lab lady that keeps popping up as people she's not supposed to be?

James: Oooh, yeah. Strong safety. She pops up where you don't expect it. Benny is our receiver, and she has a history of blowing up receivers.

Mark: :( I miss Benny.

James: RIP. He was so good.

Special Teams

Position Name
P Mr. Clarke
K Mr. Clarke
LS Karen Wheeler

Mr. Clarke has the power of science on his side. This is a dude who definitely can judge wind resistance with his science powers. Also, you want to feel at ease when your kicker takes to the field and Mr. Clarke is a chill and welcome breath of fresh air.

Coaching staff

Position Name
Head Coach Joyce Byers
Offensive Coordinator Flo
Defensive Coordinator Dr. Brenner
Equipment Manager Ted Wheeler

Joyce has to be head coach. She's an outside-the-box thinker with a little eccentricity and extremely goal-oriented. Joyce will stay up all night going over plays, stringing up lights -- doing whatever is needed.

Flo is the beating heart of the Hawkins police force and with so many cops on the offensive line her presence will be welcome. Appointing defensive coordinator is where this got dark.

Mark: Here's the downside to Dr. Brenner: When his people die on the show, he straight up ignores them.

James: Defensive coordinator?

Mark: That's a f***ing dark joke.

Ted Wheeler is the equipment manager because Ted Wheeler sucks.

* * *

This is a young, dynamic and violent football team with the right demeanor at every position. However, Hawkins Electric is all of our team. Think we got a position wrong? We're ready to defend this roster with honor.