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Skunk rescue: Sport of the future

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A brave Canadian man saved a skunk on Monday morning. He saw the poor animal roaming the street with a coke can stuck on its head and with no fear for himself of the odor he stepped in.

If necessity is the mother of invention, then happenstance is the mother of sports. I suggest that this brave act become the sport of the future. Skunk Rescue is precisely what the world needs, and here are the rules.

SKUNK RESCUE -- OFFICIAL RULES

This document entails the full rules of Skunk Rescue, a registered trademark of “Skunk Sportz LLC.” For sanctioned events and franchise opportunities contact:

Skunk Sportz LLC

1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW

Washington, DC 20500

Terms and field of play.

Official games of Skunk Rescue will be played in no smaller than a 30-foot diameter circle. Indoor arenas are preferred, but outdoor can be officially inspected and allowed with written permission by Skunk Rescue’s governing body.

No skunk will be used in more than three rescue rounds during a tournament without the express written permission from the SRPA (Skunk Rescue Player’s Association).

Glossary:

“Rescue”: Used as both a noun and verb. The act by which a “skunk” has its stink hood removed during a round of Skunk Rescue.

“Rescuer”: Human competitor attempting to rescue a “skunk.”

“Skunk”: American mammal of the Musteloidea super family.

“Sniffer”: Official in charge of smelling rescuers at the end of a rescue round to verify the rescuer was not sprayed.

“Stink hood”: A small, leather hood covering the eyes of a sport skunk. Stink Hoods can be made using patterns found on the Skunk Rescue official website, or fashioned by modifying a standard falconry hood.

Official rules:

A skunk rescuer and skunk are placed in the play area for a five minute round. The rescuer will then approach the skunk by any means and attempt to remove its stink hood. When the skunk is free of its stink hood and able to move under its own control the round is over.

Competitors are awarded 100 points to begin the round and have deductions based on several core components, known as the “Four S’s”:

Speed. Five points will be deducted in 30-second increments beginning after the first minute of rescue. The maximum score allowed for a five-minute rescue is 60 points.

Spray. A player who is sprayed will have half their maximum points removed, after all other deductions.

Style. Players who remove the stink hood with using a trick (such as a one-handed Pepé removal) can be awarded style points up to a maximum of 20 per round.

Skunk happiness. At the conclusion of a round, a skunk will be given a heart rate test following a one-minute rest period. Points will be deducted at judge’s discretion for an over-stressed skunk.

Reporting:

Scores must be reported to the Skunk Rescue governing body no later than 48 hours following the conclusion of any event. Failure to comply will result in a 0 (zero) score for any rescuers and immediate disqualification for the “World Series of Skunk Rescue.”