The UFC just announced a bunch of new celebrity investors, which requires us to ask: which of them are mostly likely to win in a fight?
1. Serena Williams. This is obvious, stop overthinking it.
2. Maria Sharapova. Has youth on her side as well as a willingness to fail a drug test, a skill any fighter needs.
3. Venus Williams. Prime Venus might have beaten Prime Serena in the octagon. She would have had devastating kicks.
4. Li Na. Hasn’t played professionally in two years and had injuries to both knees which would likely reduce her agility and speed.
1. Guy Fieri. Years of eating The Food Guy Fieri Eats haven’t slowed the man down. What hope does some mere human have against him?
2. Cam Newton. He’s used to taking physical punishment (great job, NFL officials), ridiculously athletic, and totally prepared to be weird in press conferences surrounding the fight. Cam Newton smiled after getting in a car accident. He’s totally ready for this.
3. Tyler Perry. He’s 6’5, and there’s a big difference between “47-year-old” and “47-year-old from New Orleans.”
4. Mark Wahlberg. Probably the person on the list most eager to actually try this.
5. (tie) Anthony Kiedis/Flea. Ideally, this is the first match UFC sets up so we can determine who’s better. It’ll be one of those brawls where one guy breaks the other guy’s ribs and then they hug afterwards and call each other brother.
6. LL Cool J. Had him higher on this list given that just four years ago, a burglar broke into his home and LL broke the dude’s nose and jaw. But that opponent is described as “a 56-year-old transient.” Needs to step up his opposition if he wants to climb this list.
7. Tom Brady. Is he the second best athlete in this field? Yes, clearly. But one shot to that beautiful face of his and he’ll be tapping out.
8. The Weeknd. Doesn’t really seem like much of a fighter, but there’s a decent chance he can musically convince his opponent to do drugs and fall asleep.
9. Ben Affleck. Has had several fake movie fights and possesses one of the most important attributes for a successful fighter: he’s extremely confident for no discernible reason.
10. Sylvester Stallone. It’s a credit to Sly that we’re picking any 70-year-old man to win a fight. He’s probably still got one big punch left in him.
11. Rob Dyrdek. Before becoming a reality TV star, Dyrdek was a very good street skateboarder. He’s been in some fights. He’s probably even won some fights. He’s also 5’7” and maybe 170 pounds soaking wet.
12. Calvin Harris. No DJ has ever fought.
13. Trey Parker. To be this funny, you need to get your ass kicked several times.
14. Jimmy Kimmel. Would probably make a fake viral video convincing everyone he beat Cam Newton, though.
15. Michael Bay. It would be fun to see an opponent talk shit about the Transformers movies, so Bay would get angry, strip down to shorts, and write a harshly-worded blog post about how they’re wrong.
16. Robert Kraft. You would either have to convince Kraft to take off his shirt and tie (impossible) or let him fight in it (extremely inadvisable, and definitely how he gets choked out).
17. Adam Levine. He once wrote a song about using a payphone. In 2012.
18. Conan O’Brien. Uhh ...