January has arrived and you’re probably stuck back at work or school after weeks of binge-eating, sleeping in and “working from home.” You probably thought the holidays were over, long-gone — but then, Inside Lacrosse dropped their annual All-Name Team on the internet and suddenly life has meaning again.
So please read through and enjoy the best names from this year’s list. Sorry to all the bros who didn’t make the cut — it was the hardest decision-making of my sportswriting career.
- Shackleford Stanwick, Jr., Johns Hopkins
Shackleford Stanwick (or just Shack for short) is the unanimous No. 1 pick for best lacrosse name on the roster, or maybe just in history. There is no name that I would rather have on my team than ‘ole Shack Stanwick. Shack is the youngest of eight children who have all played D1 lax, so you know his parents were like, “This kid has to have an absolute haymaker of a name or else no one will take him as seriously as our other fifty children.”
At least that’s what you thought until you found out HIS ENTIRE FAMILY HAS THE BEST LAX NAMES OF ALL TIME. Don’t just put this kid on the All-Name list, put the whole family on the Best-Lax-Family-of-All-Time-List, because no one will EVER top this.
2. Brickman House, Sr., Utica
Brickman House’s parents were the biggest Commodores fans of all time and thanks to them, he is now haunted by All-State Insurance commercials every step he takes. Not that he lets it bother him. Does this look like the face of someone who cares about what other people think of his name?
3. Brewster Warble, Fr., Brown
I bet Brewster is the dude they call on for Nattys before every party.
4. Griffin Woodfinlevine, Sr., Montclair State
Griffin for sure snipes top cheddar. Like Shackleford, he was born to play lax. He chills hard with his bros and takes pride in his lettuce. Griffin also enjoys occasional trips to the Hamptons to shred the gnar and chill nice with his boys.
5. Dallas Creamer, Jr., Stevens
If you think about it, Dallas is named after two pretty big-deal things: Dallas, Texas and coffee creamer. During my 9-5 shift at the old SB Nation HQ, I witnessed souls crush when employees realized the kitchen ran out of creamer. So really, Dallas, you have a lot going for you.
6. Rich Mix, Jr., Benedictine
Rich sounds like a guy with some serious lettuce. It probably cascades out of his helmet, er ... bucket, down his back and distracts everyone on the damn field right before he absolutely demoralizes them with a dangler top shelf. In fact, I’m distracted so much by Rich Mix’s hypothetical hair situation that I am now mixing up hockey and lax terms. #nice
7. Declan Swartwood, Fr., St. John’s
Now Declan here wrote on his school bio that his favorite TV show is Entourage and his favorite movie is Wedding Crashers because yes, obviously. That is like asking a sportsblogger if their favorite thing to do is sleep and watch TV. YES, OF COURSE IT IS. This kid is a quintessential lax bro.
I’m just kidding, I’m sure Mr. Swartwood loves Wedding Crashers for the gorgeous cinematography and profound character development.
8. Joseph Joseph, Jr., York
It turns out Joseph Joseph is a family name. Joseph-squared is named after his father, Joseph Joseph. The absolutely least surprising thing you could tell me about Joseph Joseph is that his grandfather is named Joseph Joseph, as well.
Seriously though, there were too many good lax names to choose from. Check out the whole list and decide for yourself.