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The complete 2017 Cam Newton hat rankings

My scouting report on Newton's hats

Cam Newton is the best steampunk quarterback in the NFL. His bold looks are nothing new, but 2017 has been the Year of the Hat for the Panthers QB. As such, I, a man with no fashion sense, will rank Cam’s hats.

No. 9: This brown hat

It’s a good hat, but not a special hat. If Cam was 14 feet tall and had a giant head, this would be a good old-timey hat with a “PRESS” card in the brim.

No. 8: This tan hat

I like that the light color of the hat really shows off the pronounced hat dimples. It’s a slightly more showy hat.

No. 7: This black hat with paint drips

This hat might deserve a higher ranking. It’s really quite a good hat, and I like the juxtaposition of the hat’s formality with the haphazard paint drips.

No. 6: This black hat with blue writing and a feather

I like a hat with a message. Cam only put “C1N” on the hat, which is obvious a reference to himself. I think it was a missed opportunity. I would have put “HONK IF YOU LOVE COOKIES” on the hat. It’s a fun thing everyone can be a part of.

No. 5: This shiny black hat with a feather

I like the sheen of this hat. It’s like a tuxedo hat. It’s a hat that wants to go to the opera.

No. 4: This slouchy hat with tassels

This “Upscale Gilligan” look is really nice. I love those tassles. This is the kind of hat that looks good on a fishing trip, or the red carpet. A multi-use hat for all seasons. It’s not flashy, but it doesn’t need to be.

No. 3: This hat with little pink hats and a family photo on it

I’m still torn whether these are pink birds or pink hats, but I hope it’s hats on hats on hats. The family photo is a nice touch and looks interchangeable. This is the hat that says “Hey, I like hats.”

No. 2: This puffy hat

This hat is so different to the other hats that it gets a bump purely by being different. It’s also a very good hat. I enjoy the ode to Huggy Bear. There aren’t many outfits this hat works with, but Cam found a good one.

No 1: This tall white hat with gold tassels and a feather

LOOK AT THIS HAT!!! Everything about this hat is speaking my language. It’s sophisticated, it’s debonair, it tops off a look that says “I am going to harvest your organs for sale on the black market.” If Hannibal Lector enjoyed hats, he’d have his haberdasher make this.

I want this hat. I can never pull off this hat. Good hat.