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Tom Brady's gonna cut his dang thumb off if he keeps chopping radishes with a meat cleaver

There is very little in this world that Tom Brady needs help with. Throwing a football? He’s got that on lock. Having a ridiculously pretty family? Nailed that one, too. Cooking? Well — here’s an area we can confidently say we’re better than Brady.

On Wednesday, the Patriots’ QB posted photos of him preparing a meal from his “TB12 Performance” line, which was unveiled last month as a way to “eat like Tom Brady.” This is the first time we’ve seen him prepare his own food. His task: Make “Beluga lentil tacos,” which sounds a ton more fancy than “black lentils,” which is all they are. Lentil tacos? No thanks. Either way there were some astonishing realizations.

Problem 1: Taking a dang meat cleaver to a radish.

Tom Brady, Instagram

If you fancy yourself as a “foodie” then you can leave right now, because I don’t want to hear that “Chinese cleaver is the only knife you’ll ever need” bullcrap. Yes, I know people have written about this topic, but there is absolutely no way Tom’s cleaver is the only knife in his kitchen. Heck, this thing doesn’t look like it’s ever been used.

Truth is, this is a bad tool for the job. You can also tell from how the blade is resting on the radish that he’s not chopping with the cleaver, but sawing with it. This will produce uneven slides and ....


Brady is literally holding the radish in the most dangerous way you could in the kitchen. This is how people cut or lose fingers. He needs to turn his hand so his knuckles are facing the flat of the blade, tuck his fingers in and use his knuckles to guide the blade. Worst-case scenario you knick yourself and bleed a little, not need a trip to the ER because you just hacked off a chunk of your finger with your extremely sharp, never-used cleaver.

Problem 3: More like “mess en place” amirite?

Tom Brady, Instagram

This prep station needs a ton of work. Everything is haplessly laying on the counter, he mixed one sauce in a coffee cup — it’s all a bit of a mess. Clean prep = clean food, Tom. This is nitpicky, I know, just try to do better next time.

Problem 4: Look at these f**cking vegetables!

There’s no uniformity at all. Every slice is on the diagonal, probably because he cut them with a friggin’ cleaver. This is what bad chopping looks like. Those radishes are such a hot mess it’s going to be difficult to evenly distribute them into a taco. Someone is going to get way too much radish (see radish offender on the bottom right) and some too little (paper thin radish offender on the bottom left).

Problem 5: The result.

Tom Brady, Instagram

Truth be told, this was probably very delicious. Cabbage, radish, and guac are the holy trinity of a good taco. However, Tom done messed up his ratios. Using these ingredients I think it’s safe to say the proper way to build this taco would be as follows:

2 parts lentils.

1 part cabbage.

1 part guacamole.

Cilantro, radish and whatever that white crap is to taste.

What Tom did was:

0.5 parts lentils.

1.5 parts guac.

0.5 parts cabbage.

Cilantro, radish and whatever that white crap is to taste.

Bad protein-to-everything else ratio in this taco.

Anyway, the important thing is that Tom gave his personal chef the night off and had some fun in the kitchen with his kids. Don’t let his poor cooking skills distract you from the fact that the Falcons blew a 25-point lead in the Super Bowl. Brady is the GOAT at QB, but the ... opposite of a GOAT in the kitchen. Which is some sort of sea sponge I suppose.

Shut up jingo95, you leave the Food Network out of this.